Smashing Days the Super Smash Bros Way
by Cali IX
Summary: Depicting life in the Smash Mansion through the character's eyes, one by one the Smashers say their woes. Has no connection with my other stories.
1. Secret Crush

**Dear Readers,**

**It's me, Caliban the Wizard, and here's hoping some reviewers from my other stories are reading this. The sad truth is, I'm leaving for England very soon and won't be able to update for a while. I'm hoping there's a computer where I'm going so I can finish Chapter Eight of my 'Don't Mess With My Crazed Sword-less Guy', but that's probably not going to happen. So I made this story, which is dedicated to Sapphirecat, you wonderful you! This story is about life at the Smash Mansion BEFORE this whole cloning nonsense began. You can understand this story and not have to read my old ones. Anyway, here's hoping you forgive me for being such a lazy ass, Sapphirecat! **

**_One: In Which We All Suffer…Jigglypuff Style_**

Heyit's me, the pop-star to be. You have to help me out here! The whole mansion's going bonkers because of today's heat wave. The only way I'm staying alive is by tuning out the rest of them, staying in my room, and practicing my best songs. But it's hard you know. Mario, Dr. Mario, and Luigi have their hands full giving out Italian ice packs to make sure no one dies of heat stroke. Link is probably freaking out in his room because Young Link broke his air-conditioner. And Zelda, poor lady, the heat's made her magical skills go haywire so she can't go Sheik. Mr. Game and Watch's beeper's broken, so now he sounds like a telephone on dial-up internet. Pikachu and Pichu are shocking each other, literally. But those are just to name a few. However, there is one other person besides me that's not going bananas.

Currently he's cooped up in his room with the air conditioner on the highest level, watching soap operas. Do you know how hard it is to find a guy sensitive enough to watch them? The only type of guys I know are the kind that go into disgusting burping contests that drown out my beautiful singing voice! But as I take a peek into his wonderfully clean room, free of burping contests, I see him watching the best soap opera ever 'All My Jigglypuffs' about a Jigglypuff who can't sing. And he's crying over it too! Isn't he just the perfect guy? I've been practicing my best songs all for him! I went shopping yesterday for the best ribbons and make-up. I've gone through the trouble of going to self-help classes to help me speak Japanese and learn pottery and everything! All for him!

However, each rose has its thorns, and for my perfect rose, it's a psychotic half-dragon with a bloody sword that catches fire every two seconds! Imagine sharing a room with a crazy, gluttonous, pyromaniac Godzilla reject that has never cleaned his side of the room at all! He's always making my perfect guy into a complete mess, calling him a girl, making him always do the cleaning, and to top it off he always breaks everything my perfect guy thinks is perfect! He's just SO darn annoying!

For example, the heat wave's made him HYPER! Isn't he weird? Anyway, so he's rampaging around the mansion, breaking anything and everything he can get his hands, what a maniac. Thank goodness my guy took his sword away, or things would get a lot worse! But when he broke the prized vase that belonged to my boyfriend to-be, I saw my perfect guy get mad for the first time ever. He started yelling in Japanese, thank goodness I took those lessons, and then he slammed the door shut so hard the ground shook. Then the crazy Godzilla reject just walked off as if he didn't totally ruin my perfect guy's life. I was so angry at him I thought of using my strongest Pound attack, but then it wouldn't be very even-tempered, would it? So I just puffed up and turned bright red.

I tiptoed over to my perfect guy's door, and peeked inside. He was watching the soap opera, just like before, but he looked pretty angry. Now this is a guy with perfect composure. I've never seen him even think about being mad, and here he was, angry beyond all reason. That vase meant a lot to him. So I figured I'd put my pottery lessons to use.

I went over to Ness's room and borrowed some pottery supplies, and then got to work in my room using my pottery sculptor. It was hot work, because Pichu didn't put in the air-conditioner this time, but every time I was about to give up I just thought about how happy it would make _him_. Then finally, I finished sculpting the vase which took a lot of precision, then set it in the kiln to bake. It took about an hour to bake, but I was overjoyed when I took my Jiggly-oven mitts and carefully pulled out the vase, still piping hot. I waited about ten minutes for it to cool in my freezer, and then began using my special paints. The vase was a terribly fancy one that showed a splash of water in assorted inks, and believe me when I say it took Herculean effort to paint in just that way. It took me THREE hours to paint, and half an hour to dry. Finally, the vase was finished, perfect down to the last detail. It was a token to show just how much I loved him. Then I got myself ready. I wouldn't be caught dead in my dirty smock and messy curl, so I took another hour to freshen up, tie on my best ribbon and put on my best make-up. I went for the flashy look with my sparkly blue ribbon and matching make-up, just because blue is his favourite color.

So I trotted over to his room, with my prettiest bow tied around the vase, ecstatic. Confident, I threw open the door with my best Jigglypuff smile on! And I saw a horror no pop-star Jigglypuff should see. My perfect guy was KISSING the Godzilla reject! He was kissing him so hard that every five seconds he had to take another breath, just to go down and kiss him some more! My heart shattered into pieces. I let out a soft whimper, but that caught his attention and he looked up. The stupid pyromaniac Godzilla boyfriend stealer's eyes suddenly snapped open and he gave a series of coughs from underneath my no-longer boyfriend to be.

"Jigglypuff, it's not what it looks like!" the evil no-longer boyfriend of mine cried, but I just dropped the vase, which broke into a million pieces, and ran off. I knew he was following me. I knew that my mascara was dripping, and I still had to give back Ness's art supplies. But I didn't care. I was running so fast I didn't notice the Pokeball lying on the ground. Of all the rotten luck! I always did hate those stupid PokePrisons. My tripping gave that evil idiot time to catch up with me. Darn it. He also had to time to connect his stupid Poketranslator. Darn. **Mind you people, Jigglypuff talking normal is just what somebody hears out of the Poketranslator, so no, Jigglypuff does not speak regular English. **

"Jigglypuff, it's not what-"

"I don't want to hear it! I spent all that time making homemade blueberry chocolate, and making that vase for you out of scratch, and learning Japanese, and-" I cried out the next part "ALL FOR NOTHING! YOU TURN AROUND AND START MAKING OUT WITH THAT GODZILLA REJECT!" After that I just burst into tears, not caring about anything any more. The love of my life had gone and betrayed me. He seemed to stop functioning for a while, probably because, being the EVIL IDIOT that he is, just figured out I loved him! Then he seemed to go back online.

"Oh Jigglypuff…I never realized, I'm sorry. But as for the making-out part, that's utter nonsense! Roy was choking on a pistachio, so I used the Heimlich Manoeuvre, but he wasn't breathing so I had to use CPR. Trust me, I didn't enjoy it," he said, laughing. I was considerably calmed down by this, but I was still worried.

"So do you…like me back? Even a little bit?" I asked him.

"I like you a lot!" He said, and I was about to jump and use CPR on him when he added "But just as a friend. You have to understand, I already have a girlfriend. But if it makes you feel any better, the vase was beautiful, and your chocolates are better than store bought ones," he said.

"Oh…I guess I can live with that. But you're going to have to make it up to me," I said.

"Okay, how?" he asked.

"You're going to say that my ribbon looks lovely, and then you're going to listen to my newest song that I made up just for you," I said.

"What's it called?"

"It's called "New Day" dedicated to Marth Lowell, the former love of my life!" I said. And Marth listened. He listened to every word with the Poketranslator on, so he could understand my lyrics. I don't think anyone's ever listened to my songs and not fallen asleep. Oh yeah, Marth's a keeper.

I don't know what you think, but it looked like the beginning of a beautiful friendship, which will grow into a beautiful romance once I kill his girlfriend.

**_Author's Notes: Loved it? Hated it? Was it too short or too long? Confused on who's who? Okay, the Godzilla reject was Roy, the 'I' guy was Jigglypuff, and HIM was Marth, okay? No, people, this is not a one-shot, there will be many more chapters about all the other Smashers once I get down to it. And remember, Jigglypuff has the greatest singing voice in the world, and you'll face the wrath of her Magic Microphone if you fall asleep. _**

_**Dedicated to Sapphirecat. **_

**_Bye-bye everybody! See you in London, England until August! Caliban the Wizard is signing out! _**


	2. Fight for the Air Conditioner!

**Author's Notes:**

**Hey, everybody! It's me, Caliban the Wizard, who is leaving in but a day! So I decided to at least continue this story of mine before people lose hope. My newest chapter of "Don't Mess With My Crazed Sword-less Guy" is completed, but lots of my sibs are working on important university stuff so it's likely that it'll be up in three days, at least, as soon as I find my disk to save it on. Anyway, to keep Totallystrange happy, I'm gonna keep working on this through writer's block or not! **

**Reviews: I just can't survive without answering them! **

**Demon of the Black Fire: YES! I was hoping that the Jigglypuff and Marth pairing was super-random, but it isn't really all that uncommon, sadly. Yeah, Jigglypuff is way too good for Marth anyway! **

**Urby: Yeah, your name is SO a knock-off from Kirby's name, because the universe REVOLVES around Super Smash Bros. Melee. Anyway, what do you mean you put me on Author Alert? Is that a bad thing? Are you REALLY gonna stock me? IS IT SO HOT OUTSIDE YOU CAN COOK AN EGG ON THE SIDEWALK?**

**So many questions…**

**Ri2: Ri2, I was referring to Princess Sheeda of Talis, who is like Marth's girlfriend in the Fire Emblem series. I don't know THAT much though, so don't bomb me with questions. I'm just sick and tired of all the retarded pairings they put Marth through. MARTHJ IS TOO GOOD FOR ANYONE! Except for me, of course.**

**Totallystrange: Move over Superdave, Totallystrange is my favourite now. You are truly the most loyal reviewer, really! You've reviewed for each and everyone one of my stories to date! WOW! Everybody give this guy a big fat Subway cookie!**

**In case you're wondering, my newest chapter IS in fact finished, I just need to get it on disk and freaking put it on the darn site! Sorry for the delay. **

**Kim Kinne: A new reviewer, I'm glad. Really glad. Glad enough to make this chapter for you, Kim. And yeah, that last sentence was probably the only part with humor in it, methinks. Anyway, I've gone and gorged on chocolate and now I'm too hyper to type normally. EVERYBODY MMMM….I LOVE TURTLES! **

**Anyway, I look forward to some more reviews from you, if you please? **

**Dear PLEASE DON'T KICK ME OFF FOR ANSWERING REVIEWS. Thanks a bunch. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Brothers. Simple as that. **

_**IT'S SO HOT OUTSIDE YOU CAN COOK AN EGG ON THE SIDEWALK! By: Link. **_

"This is Mew the Psychic Kitty with the latest weather announcement. It's hot. Really hot. It's so hot that the Cat in the Hat's eyebrows has gone red-hot without reading with his eyes shut. It's so hot that that candy bar that doesn't melt in your pocket IS melting in your pocket. In fact, it's so hot outside you can cook an egg on the sidewalk and it would burn! I've used my psychic powers to see that the extreme heat will continue without the possibility of parole. So, all Links from various Zelda video games, take off those silly hats before you roast, turn on your air conditioners, and don't go outside because of the harmful UVA and UVB rays which will fry your skin, and eventually kill you! Now here's Celebi with the environmental news,"

"Wow. That weather forecast really got through to me. Well, better take off my hat, turn on my air conditioner, and don't go outside because the harmful UVA and UVB rays will fry me," I said. So I took off my hat, which I normally hated to do because my hair always has a bad case of hat hair.

"Putting in air conditioners is such hard work. Better have a sugar boost before I go," I said, taking out my heat-resistant Mr. Big.

"AW man! Mew was right! It melted in my pocket!" This was an understatement. Mr. Big, you know, is mostly chocolate coated newspaper with caramel holding it together, so it wasn't nice finding a gooey, sticky, nasty mess where no hand can return. So I changed my tunic, and went into my room to turn on the air conditioner when I found the younger me struggling under a pile of circuits, bolts, metal, and air-conditioner filters soaked in Freon.

"Hey, little me, is that our air conditioner?" I asked. He didn't answer, but a sudden bolt of static ran through what I saw of his hair. I can't believe I was such an idiot when I was younger! Wait…yes I can. Especially that time I broke my foot when I kicked the Door of Time for not opening. But so what? I'm still going to yell at him.

"You idiot! Didn't you see the news? Now we're going to die! Mew said the Links MUST turn on their air conditioners or fry!" I said. Yeah, it was bad enough that I had to over-react. The younger me didn't do anything, but somehow managed to get out from under the pile of broken air conditioner machinery.

"When someone is dying from lack of air under a busted air conditioner you don't just stand there watching them die!" he snapped, scowling.

"Well it's just as well because you broke the air conditioner! Didn't you see the weather report?" I asked, glaring back.

"I did, that's why I was trying to put it in! But that retarded 80's air conditioner was so heavy I collapsed!" he said.

"Well you should have just asked me," I said.

"You don't seem to understand that if I die, you go down with me!" he said.

"Yeah, well at least I'm not stupid enough to get myself killed just because I didn't want help!" I said.

"Are you saying that I'm weak?" he asked.

"No. I'm saying you're stupid AND weak!" I retorted.

"Well this weakling's gonna cream your ass, Goldilocks!" he roared.

"Bring it!" Just as, literally, the fight of a lifetime was about to happen, Master Hand barged into the door.

"Hey guys, we need ideas for a new event match before the human finishes the next one. Wait…what are you guys up to?" he asked. Crazy Hand just came in as well and quite randomly if you ask me.

"Look's like they're about to have a fight. Hey, we could make this the next event match! We could call it 'Seven Years'! It'll be a real hootenanny!" Crazy Hand said. **Who uses the word 'hootenanny' anymore anyway?**

"That is the stupidest name I've ever heard for a fight like this. I was thinking of-" I was about to say an extremely witty and appropriate name, but Crazy Hand wouldn't let me talk.

"That's enough trash-talking from you. I say we make Link the bad guy!" Crazy Hand said randomly.

"Indeed! We can have them fight right now!" Master Hand said.

"Are you nuts! The harmful UVA and UVB rays will fry us, no matter what stage we go to!" Young Link said. I had to agree with the little snot.

"Oh, come now. If you fight at the Great Bay Marine Laboratory, you can go for a dip whenever you want. Just make sure you use that Sword Spin thing to recover before you get a KO. Oh, and Crazy Hand will give you some Super Smashing Sunscreen to help," Master Hand said.

"Well, what do we get out of it?" I asked.

"A non-punishable fight and a new air conditioner. Pretty sweet, huh?" Crazy Hand asked.

"DEAL!" Both my Mini-Me and I said at the same time. **Whew! Anyone need a map to that sentence?**

The rules for the fight were simple. You just needed to KO the other twice to win. Now we'd see who'd beat who into the ground!

I'd give you the details on what happened in the fight, but it's not exactly rated K+ material. Oh, and the author go lazy again. But it wasn't pretty. Fencing never is. In about an hour we were both lying in cots in Dr. Mario's clinic, groaning from getting Neosporin rubbing alcohol in our many, many gashes.

"OW! Did you have to use that much rubbing alcohol? That stuff is worse than iodine!" Young Link said.

"Sorry," he said, but then he burst into laughter. "Okay, I'm not sorry! SUCKER! What did I tell you about using that 'I'll cream your ass, Goldilocks!' comment?"

"Don't?" he asked.

"Exactly," Doc said, bandaging Young Link's forehead "Wow. Link really did a number on you."

"Don't remind me," he said. I would have laughed if I didn't have so many broken ribs. He finished fixing up Young Link and came over to me, not even bothering to change the cotton ball.

"Eww! Doc, you're supposed to change that thing before you use it on someone else!" I said.

"Oh, quit whining. You both have the exact same blood type, so it's okay. It's not like Young Link has SARS or Ebola or anything," Dr. Mario said.

"I don't know about that. You don't know where I have been when I was a kid. I was once inside a diseased whale's belly," I replied.

"Hey, it was worth it, getting the Zora's Sapphire," the Mini-Me said.

"Yeah, but fighting that nasty parasite thingy wasn't pleasant. I remember that jellyfish wannabe," I replied.

"Okay, that's enough talk about of you," Dr. Mario said, dumping half the bottle of Neosporin over one of my bigger gashes.

"OW! God, did you have to put so much?" I asked. Hey! You try having a huge cut and then someone dumping rubbing alcohol all over it!

"Hey, you're a Hylian, right? So wouldn't you use 'Goddesses' instead of just 'God'?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Don't change the subject," I said.

"Why do we Smashers ALWAYS have to have dead-end conversations like this?" Young Link asked.

"That was random," I said.

"Okay, you're done. Now just stay off the combat with Beam Swords, Home-Run Bats, Fans, Hammers, Bob-Ombs, Chikorita, Scizor, Unown, any Pokemon that use unpredictable Metronome attacks, and the Nikujaga, Lasagne, Turkey Dinner, and Champagne type food, and you'll be fine," Dr. Mario said. **Newsflash people, Nikujaga is like this really heavy Japanese stew I've seen a lot when you use food, and it replenishes a lot of health, but not good for digesting with broken ribs. Oh, and the Metronome move is used by Clefairy and Togepi for example; you never know what's going to happen next. **

"What? But I love Nikujaga!" I said. It was just so crunchy yet steamy…and really filled you up unlike those stupid salads girls eat for no reason, like cough **Zelda **cough. **Unlike majority of girls, I'm so skinny if someone hit me I'd be halfway to Texas! Don't worry though. I'm skilled in fire magic, and have a machine gun called Eternal Flames. **

"Too bad. Now get your carcass in bed. I have to get that eyeliner pencil out of Falco's eye," Dr. Mario said, and shoved both my younger self and I out the door.

We both raced to get to our room, and stood right in front of the air conditioner, pushing and shoving to get to the good parts.

"My air conditioner!" he said.

"Mine!" I growled.

And we stood there, with our hats off, fighting over the air conditioner. At least, until both of us fell asleep and pranked each other in the morning…

_**Author's Notes: Smashing chapter, ne? I'm actually proud of myself on this one! GO LINK! Byesa, for now! One day till London! **_

**_This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out. _**


	3. Cooking's Fun, Saving the Food Isn't

**Reviews: **

**Urby: When I figure out what the verb 'nerfed' means, I'll come back to you. **

**And you lucky duck! Playing with the Minish Cap while we're burning at Boot Camp hell or suffering with the awful British fast food! I'm watching you, Sonata. **

**Blazing Fool: Hi! And thanks for not losing hope and not reviewing. And…what's this? BOOT CAMP! And I thought London was bad…. You are a true devotee or cough **addict** cough. But the good news is you can have some Super Smashing Sunscreen. Just e-mail me the money. Just kidding of course. I hope you live through boot camp, you brave little soldier. **

**Demon of the Black Fire: Wazzup? That's right. Crazy Hand used 'hootenanny'. The one who owns the hands 'we all suspect Mario' has a split personality. So, while Master Hand talks all fancy and stuff, Crazy Hand talks Texas-style! Isn't that fun? Blah blah blah. Blah. **

**And, yeah…maybe I will do Roy. Or maybe I'll do Marth and Roy together! Or…not. Well, anyways, this chapter is about DK, so I hope that doesn't bug you too much. **

**Totallystrange: Hi, how's life? Yeah, I missed you too. I missed you a lot. I missed you so much it's just Totallystrange level. **

**I have thought about what you said about the answering reviews problem, but I'm putting that note below in each chapter just to be safe, okay? Okay. I hope you enjoy your summer with a new, twenty-first century air conditioner and eggs that aren't cooking on the sidewalk beside the bacon and sausages. Here in Ottawa that's unfortunately happening, but I have not one, but TWO air conditioners that are 21st century! Envy me, as you read this new chapter in the boiling hot Canadian sun! **

**Dear Sorry for answering da reviews. Please don't kick me off! Please? ;;. **

**Dear Reader: It's about time I updated. Enjoy this brand-new, finished five-minutes ago chapter! **

**Disclaimer: Caliban the Wizard no own Super Smash Bros. Ugh. **

_**The Joys of Cooking; Donkey Kong's Culinary Views.**_

Today happens to be my day to cook. They even gave me the 'Don't Kiss the Cook' apron. Unfortunately, some Smashers happen to be allergic to bananas in general, so I have to get creative today. Sigh. It's so complicated cooking for twenty-four very different people, so each of them came up to me today suggesting dishes they thought might suit everybody. Boy, were they ever off the mark! Only Fox likes those nasty intergalactic beans sprouts. Just the same, he absolutely despises garlic-flavored lasagna, Mario's favorite dish. And believe me when I say that everybody paled when they heard that Roy wanted to eat only things cooked with extra spicy jalapeno sauce. So I ordered about fifteen different cook books, and compiled the information everybody left me. For example, Roy liked VERY hot stuff, and Peach only wanted mild flavors. Link liked stuff you could really pack in, while Zelda had a delicate stomach and could only handle salads, really. Some people requested food not even of this planet! What a job my computer had. In fact, it nearly blew up when it found out Mr. Game and Watch wanted a big block of cheese. So I added the information from the cook books and it made a whole bunch of new recipes for me.

The first one was "Sweet and Sour Eggplant and Egg Curry with cheesy Japanese Bean Sprouts". So I gathered up the eggplant and eggs, the red bell pepper and cheddar and bean sprouts, and chopped and cut and added lime juice as needed and shredded cheese here and there, when Mario came into the room.

"DK, what are you cooking? It smells great!" he said.

"It's a secret," I told him, and he stopped snooping and flew back to the living room to watch more sumo wrestling with Roy. I finished the curry and placed tin foil over it, and left for my room to make the second dish. I typed for at least ten minutes, until the next dish came up, called "Fish and Re-Fried Soybean Tacos w/ Soy Sauce, Lettuce, & Green Tomato". Now this seemed like a really weird dish, but never question PIPPI, the super comp.

I was re-frying the soybeans, when Sheik came into the room.

"Uh…Donkey Kong, what are you cooking?" she asked.

"It's a secret," I said. She turned into Zelda.

"Well, it smells divine! Won't you let me peek?" she asked, giving me puppy-dog eyes.

"Sorry, Zelda. A secret is a secret. You don't find out till dinnertime," I said. Gee, everybody seemed to love my cooking! Then I shooed Zelda out the room so I could continue cooking.

I finished the tacos, and went back into my room to make the next and last dish. I typed, and typed, and typed for at least half an hour when finally, PIPPI came up with "Leek and Beef Nikujaga with Sweet Jalapeno Broth." I didn't even know what Nikujaga was, but it must have been some kind of stew. So walked back into the kitchen to find Marth holding back Roy with his sword, and apparently having a hard time.

"Must…Have…Delicious…FOOD!" Roy roared.

"No Roy, NO!" Marth said, pulling him back. I just stared for a little while; when I threw the bickering duo out the door so I could cook. The stew was quick and easy, but by then I was almost out of original ingredients for dessert, so I decided to just improvise with a pie.

It was fun applying the sweet lemon curd glaze to my apple, cranberry, peach, and blueberry pie when I saw Roy holding back Marth with his sword this time, and having an even harder time.

"BLUEBERRIES!" he cried.

"No Marth, NO!" Roy said.

"Look, guys, we just went through this. No food until dinnertime. Now out or I'll throw you out," DK said. Marth let Roy carry him out, and I padlocked the door behind them. I ate some of my own dinner, which turned out to be 'Secret Recipe Sweet Noodles', which tasted like a mix between Belgian waffles and egg rolls.

Finally, it was time to test out my new dishes, as Ness set the table and I hit the dinner gong, calling out to the Smashers. You should have seen them race to the dinner table.

"Okay, the first course is served!" I said, passing out the curry. They started wolfing it down, even Zelda, who has very pleasant table manners.

"Hey, DK, this RULES!" Ness said, eating even faster.

"Thank you. And what do you other people think?" I asked. None of them answered. They were too busy fighting over my food.

"Now that's what I like to hear!" I said "Now you can sample my tacos!" I quickly distributed them. They all tucked in robustly.

"Mm. I never been much for fish, but this isn't that bad…" Mario said.

"You know, these soybeans are highly addictive," Sheik said, picking them out of her taco.

"These little green things are lovely! What are they, Donkey Kong?" Peach asked in the high-pitched voice of hers.

"They're green tomatoes. I hope no one is allergic to tomatoes," I said nervously.

"Don't worry! No one is allergic! We want more food!" they all shouted.

"Alright, alright. I'll go get Nikujaga," I said, and left the dining hall. I heard the others wonder about what on earth Nikujaga was. I'd done some research and found out it was the Japanese word for 'extremely nutritious stew'. It took some real work, and a few towels but I managed to carry the huge, steaming pot of stew without scalding myself.

You could hear the theme for the Dawn of Time playing as I brought the pot in.

"Ooh…Aah…Oh…" they all gasped.

"Okay, time to serve it," I said. I ladled out the soup.

"Hot…!" Roy hissed.

"Roy, you're supposed to eat slower until the soup cools down," Marth said, annoyed.

"Okay, I put ice blocks into the soup so it should cool down right about…now," I said. It was like there was kind of machine in each of the Smashers' head that told them 'Eat, because that verb is going to leave the dictionary soon.' They literally drained that soup into their stomachs like a dishwasher sucks away dirty dish fluid.

"I guess this means you like the soup, no?" I asked.

"Do we ever! What's for dessert?" they asked.

"That's a secret. I'll bring it in now. But, stay in your seats or else," I said.

"Bring on the dessert!" they said. I sighed and went into the kitchen. My pie was carefully covered up so no one could tell what it was. I walked back out of the kitchen. The suspense was tight. The Smashers all held their breath.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the dessert for today is…apple, blueberry, cranberry, and peach pie with a lemon glazing. Enjoy. Oh, and save a slice for me this time," I said. This time they actually fought over the pie, regardless of whether or not I was there. When they all managed to get a slice for themselves…

"This is probably the only sweet anything I actually like," Fox said.

"This is weird…but I like the lemon part," Link said.

"BEEP!" Mr. Game and Watch beeped.

"I'm glad you like it, Game and Watch. But maybe I should have put more whipped cream…" I mumbled.

"Please do!" Marth chirruped. Roy knocked him in the head.

"Not today, Marth Vader," Roy said.

Soon, they were finished decimating the pie. They did leave me a slice, but they scraped the bottom of the pie dish clean…and wiped off the lemon paste from my slice.

After I'd eaten my slice, I asked them "How did you like dinner, guys?"

"IT RULES! WE WANT YOU TO COOK AGAIN!" they shouted.

"Well, I doubt it. It took me hours to make a banana-free dinner, since it seems Roy got allergic from eating too many. Roy, I'm going to ask you one last time. Did you steal any of my bananas?" I asked.

He was currently chewing on one that had 'PROPERTY OF DONKEY KONG' stamped on it and tiny colorful spots broke out on Roy's face.

"No…of course not, DK!" Roy said through a mouthful of banana.

"I don't understand. How do these spots keep coming back? I guess I'll just have to use the super cream again. Come on Roy," Marth said, dragging him out of the dining hall.

"Guys, I'm really bushed from cooking today. I'm going to turn in," I said, which was true. I had soy sauce all over my apron, I smelled of lemons and bean sprouts, and I'm sure there was lemon paste stuck to my left cheek. And there was cranberry mix on the very top of my head, and nothing gets cranberries out of fur.

A conventional shower wouldn't work, so I had to use the garden hose that waters Bowser's Piranha plants. And after freezing my furry hide off, I burrowed under my covers and slept, never to cook again.

At least, not until I ended up frying up meat for the annual summer barbeque…

**_Author's Notes: After being gone so long, it was the least I could do. Nay, there was no internet in London. No internet, no scanners, how could fanfiction be? At least, there wasn't any internet at me uncle's house. But send in your suggestions for a life with more smashing days! Translation: Which character next? _**


	4. Bowser's Prankariffic Problem

**Reviews:**

**Thanks so much everybody for reviewing! You guys all RULE! But today, I'm letting Alannah do the reviews, you know, my good, crazy friend who enjoys fighting games? **

**Alannah: Hey! I also like collecting stuff! **

**Me: Maybe I should have thought that through when I decided to bring you into this. Sigh…Anyways-**

**Urby: **

**Thank you for your definition of 'Nerf'. It really helped. **

**Your question about Zelda made me wonder if I should do her this chapter. But I don't think she has to eat twice as much if she has an alter ego. It's like asking whether or not a pot of soup needs twice the water when you add, like, chopped vegetables to the soup. Wait…'gears start turning…' is that right? Ah well. **

**I've never really tried soybeans before, believe it or not, but if you like them that's what matters. **

**And if the blueberries thing with Marth is a Fire Emblem joke we're both missing out. **

**Well, if you don't review next time, it's not the end of the world. See you! **

**Alannah: Don't listen to her; it is the end of the world if you don't review. Caliban's world, at least. **

**Demon of the Black Fire: **

**PLEASE do NOT make any of the recipes in there. I know absolutely NOTHING about cooking, or recipes, or anything like that, and if anyone tries to make those recipes it'll turn out as a disaster. So, for the safety of your families, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make any of the recipes. They'll only appeal to lunatic fighters. **

**Alannah: Or you, Cali. **

**Stop cracking the me jokes! **

**Alannah: That didn't make any sense. **

**Blazing Fool: **

**I live too. **

**Dude, you might want to rewrite that review, because it sounded dirty. Okay, I've been around my friends for WAAAAAAAAAAAY too long. I know what you mean, silly! And you're right; so far the most suggestions are for Roy! **

**Maybe I SHOULD do Mewtwo. I don't have that character; someone in this crazy house of mine erased the file while I was on vacation…so he's a neglected character sometimes…**

**Hey, your smuggling a laptop into school reminds me of… me and my friends! We're just as addicted to fanfiction! **

**Alannah: She's the only one addicted, really. **

**Totallystrange: **

**I don't mind the spelling mistakes. I make enough for the whole freaking site! **

**Anyways, I hope you had fun at your camp, and I'm SO glad you care about my story enough…really…I'll make the best darn chapter ever! Just for you. Because you think I have talent. I-I've never felt so good!**

**Alannah: Sure you have. Remember that time you found two prizes in a cereal box? I added the one you gave me to my collection! **

**Me: Shut up, you're scaring away the readers! **

**Alannah: The only scary thing here is you. **

**AshRB: **

**Hey there! Thanks for reviewing! It…means so much to me! **

**Hmm…I sure am getting a lot of suggestions for Zelda. And Link…will that soup come back to bite him? And what about Young Link? It's questions like these that make me want to make a chapter… **

**Dear Please don't kick me off for answering reviews! I'm only doing my job, honest! **

**Disclaimer: Who said I own Super Smash Bros.? I don't! Nope, not even a little bit! **

**Alannah: We get the stupid point! Get on with the chapter! **

**Fine, fine. Readers, please enjoy this spiffy, prank-a-riffic new chapter! **

_**Bowser's Prank-a-riffic Problem! **_

"This is Mew the Psychic Kitty with an urgent news report! Metroids are falling from the sky! The region is on Samus Alert until further notice. I repeat-" I changed the channel.

"Boring!"

"I'm Lola Likitung, and it's the much awaited final match between sumo team Magnificent Muk and home favourite Vicious Venusaur!" I changed the channel again.

"Double boring!"

"This is Celebi the Forest Fairy with the weather. It's overcast this mid-morning with raining Metroids in the afternoon, followed by sunny breaks of Samus bounty hunting. Please mind that the environment will be unnaturally shocking, literally, until the evening, so try to stay indoors, and if you must go shopping please the health organization advises that you carry one-time use Charge Shots at all times, found at your local J-Mart. Protective clothing include-" I stomped on the remote, took out a spare, and stomped on that one.

"BORING!"I roared. "Hmm…there's got to be something to do…" I rose from the comfy couch and into the hallway, where Fox, Falco, and Dr. Mario stood chatting about calling a truce over the bathroom. I decided to eavesdrop a little.

"I need to polish my beak twice daily! Haven't you ever wondered why it has such a lovely yellow sheen?" Falco asked. Wait a sec…Falco polished his beak? I knew it was too shiny to be real!

"Admittedly, you do have a nice beak, but-" Dr. Mario began.

"It's not as nice as my eyeliner job, right?" Fox asked. Eyeliner? I gotta ask him about that, because seriously, he did a good job.

"Your eyes are very nice, but-" Dr. Mario continued.

"My beak is so better, right?"

"No, my eyes are!"

"My beak is much more important!"

"Well, eyes are top-priority!"

"Beak!"

"Eyes!"

"Beak!"

"Eyes!"

"Both of you shut up and let me talk!" Dr. Mario snapped. They were both quiet.

"Falco, your beak is very nice. And Fox, your eyes look well cared for. But neither is a good excuse to get into silly fights in which Falco gets an eyeliner pencil in his eye or Fox has to dry clean the yellow out of his fur. The extra bathrooms in the mansion won't be installed for quite sometime, so Master Hand and I have thought of a proper compromise," Dr. Mario said, taking out a piece of paper from his pocket and unfolding it.

"No, not the time-share! That was the worst ever!" Falco complained.

"For once, I actually agree. Anything's better than the time-share," Fox agreed.

"If you guys don't want the time-share, I suggest you be mature and practical about the bathroom. That means no hour-long bubble baths; showers are twenty minutes max, if you have medical reasons for overusing the bathroom I suggest you show the bathroom license to your roommate, signed and distributed by me. Is that understood?" he asked.

"YAAY! No timeshare!" they both cheered, and left the hallway. Dr. Mario went back to his clinic. I couldn't help but start laughing. Yeah, bathroom fights were common, VERY common. Fox and Falco are still the worst bathroom fighters in the mansion even after the timeshare treatment.

But as for the award of who does the craziest things…? I get that one, or at least, I will, because I just remembered one of my better inventions…!

I ran into my room, which I don't have to share with anyone! I opened up one of the chests, which was my inventions box, and dug and dug.

"Come on, I know you're in here somewhere! Ah…here it is! Man, when was the last time I used this?" I blew the dust off a chrome cylinder, which had a loud red label. It read 'Ka-BOOM All-Purpose Cleaner. It's the notion that's causing a commotion!' Oh yeah, it'd cause a commotion when I was through. The cleaner was tiny pellets that floated into water…but if water actually soaked through the coloring on the outside of a pellet…well, I don't need to tell you much anything past that.

Where'd I come up with such genius? Seriously, I mixed Windex with pop-rocks and look what happens. Hey, I've got a chemistry set and I've got a lot of time on my hands. In fact…I've got a lot of great ideas that never really see the light of day. I think a walk down memory lane would be something.

_Invention One: Ka-Boom All Purpose Cleaner. Location: Bathrooms. _

Here we are at the bathrooms next to the pool. Everyone uses the toilets there. I dropped the little pellets into each of the toilets and you should have seen people shoot through the roof!

"JIGGLYPUUUUUUUUFFF! **OH NO! These Jigglypuff Pink shorts cost thirty dollars!**"

"OUCH! Hey, somebody get my baseball cap, it fell off!"

"PICHU PICHUUUU! **My butt is going to have scorch marks for weeks!**"

"My ARM! How am I supposed to swim now?"

"GAH! The PAIN!"

"He's down! Someone get an ambulance! Give him some space, you animals!"

Um…oops. That last one didn't sound so good. Ah well. That's the beauty of pranking! It's always somebody else! But maybe it's time to move onto a better prank…one that'll totally kill someone! Ha-ha. Just kidding.

I stomped back into my room, which had a "Caution! Dangerous and Pyromaniac! Approach with fear." I dug through the trunk labelled 'Inventions'. Man…I should really get a shelf or something, because keeping all this crap in one chest was retarded. Anyway, I blew the dust off what looked like a chocolate bar in a blue foil wrapper.

"Ka-Boom Bar. Guaranteed to make mischief!" it read.

"This is just what I need!" I said, cheering.

_Invention Two: Ka-Boom Bar! Location: Training Room. _

The Smashers that didn't spend their time arguing were normally working out. But I was surprised to find Donkey Kong in the training room, running on a treadmill.

"Hey, DK, what are you doing here? Your arms already look like they're stuffed with watermelons," I said.

"You're the last person, I think, who would say that, but I'm very much flattered. But alas, with my triceps my tummy has already begun to bulge. Perhaps I should have laid off the banana pound cake," he replied sadly, still running.

"What, you broke your scale? Well, if you feel that bad, you can try my new weight loss bar!" I said, handing him the Ka-Boom Bar.

"What's in it? The ingredients only list plastic explosives and such…I hate it when manufacturers make jokes out of their ingredient lists," he said, frowning.

"Heh…right, joke…Anyway, it's just like the stuff you find in Slim Fast bars, only it actually works. And it works shockingly fast! It explodes the fat away, I say," I said.

"How delightful!" DK said, stepping off the treadmill and unwrapping the bar like he would if it was a banana. I stepped back calmly with my hands behind my back, and watched him eat the bar, the whole thing. He exploded, furry hide and all, shooting into the air.

"What did I tell you? Explodes the fat right away! I bet it blew half your body fat as well! Isn't it 'delightful'?" I asked, roaring with laughter and walking away from the scene of the crime, over to the exercise bikes, where Zelda was furiously pedaling, one of the rare times she wasn't in a dress, but this awful floral pink spandex/cotton…thing.

"Did you see what happened over there?" I asked. She continued pedalling, dumping some water over her head with her water bottle.

"Hello…anyone home?" I waved a hand in front of her face, but she kept pedaling.

"Well, you wanna try my power snack bar? I'll even unwrap it for you!" I said, peeling the wrapper off, and shoving the bar into her mouth. She viciously chewed it, like it was stopping her from her life's goal of pedaling that exercise bike into the ground. She suddenly stopped, her eyes turning into dinner plates, and then exploded.

"NOOO! MY EXERCISE PLAN!" she screamed, covered in ash and smoking quite literally.

"Glad you liked it. Remember, it was Ness who pranked you, so pummel him into a mushy paste for me! Okay? Okay," I said, running toward the weight machines, where Link was training with a lift machine.

"Hey,"

"Hey,"

"How's it going?"

"Pretty good, actually. I'm lifting twice the weights I lifted yesterday,"

"Yikes. Want to try my new energy bar?" I asked, showing him the Ka-Boom Bar. Link stopped lifting.

"Why not? Normally, I wouldn't trust you with anything but you sure are being nice,"

"Yeah, don't expect it forever though. I just thought you were doing a good job. Here you go," I said, handing him the bar. He took out the bar and chewed on it thoughtfully.

"This tastes pretty- uh-oh…m-my ribs…I knew eating that soup and then exercising was a bad idea…!" he groaned, and then exploded. He landed on the floor face down.

"Uh oh, hey, wake up! It was just a prank! Oh…this isn't good. He's not moving. Maybe no one will notice…" I thought, shoving him underneath a machine with my foot.

"Maybe it's time for a different prank…" I thought, and ran out of the training room.

I went into my room and again dug through the trunk, until I found a red aerosol can.

The label read: _YaHOO Spray. No tongue is safe! _

By the way, I also invented this.

_Invention Three: YaHOO Spray Kitchen Pranks. Location: Living room. _

"This is Lola Likitung with the latest sumo update! The Vicious Venusaur are in the lead! Their captain, the sumo Neanderthal extraordinaire Kramer has this to say!"

"Well, Lola, our success is due to…" Kramer began. Roy was watching the TV with a slight angry look on his face.

"Screw the interviews! Get on with the match!" he growled, banging his fist, witched knocked over three snack bowls.

"Yeah! Come on, I need some aggression tips before I save the region from the raining Metroids…" Samus said anxiously, stealing one of Roy's snack bowls.

"Hey!" he complained.

"Roy, there are seven others. You'll live," she replied, her eyes glued to the screen. Both of them were dressed in 'Go VICIOUS VENUSAUR!' tees, shorts, and with Roy, a drink hat.

"Hey, shove over," I said. They instantly moved over. I grabbed a random snack bowl and sprayed it with the YaHOO aerosol, one by one until they were all spiked. Suddenly a stampede occurred.

"GO VICIOUS VENUSAUR!" the Smashers that hadn't been pranked yelled.

"Pika Pikachu! **I've been waiting for this match since forever!**" Pikachu cheered. They piled onto the couch. They all grabbed some snacks, while I managed to get off the couch before a stray chip or pretzel touched me. After everyone had gotten a taste, even Mewtwo, they all got the exact same look on their faces. A look of extreme shock.

"PIKA PIIIIKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAA! **The PAIN! THE BURNING PAIN! I haven't felt this GHASTLY since Team Rocket spiked my food back at the festival!**" Pikachu screamed.

"AAHHHH! This is what I get for eating your food, Roy! M-My tongue…" Marth screeched, pointing at Roy angrily, who looked ecstatic.

"This is the best! It's like jalapenos! I've never been so happy!" he said, stuffing his face with the snacks.

"I'm going to go save the day now…Time to get my Power Suit…"Samus said, running out of the room to her bedroom. Not everyone took the YaHOO pepper spray so well.

"It BURNS!" Young link cried. Mario started crying, Ganondorf paled, Kirby ran to the bathroom along with Luigi, where a fight resulted. The worst one by far was when Mewtwo fainted, and didn't even twitch or anything.

"Um…oops…" I ran out of the room before I got caught. I tried going to my room, but I saw Master Hand and Crazy Hand standing in front of the door.

"Where is he? He'll face cold hard retribution for pranking everyone like that," Master Hand said.

"Yep. Ness' baseball cap is still missing; poor Pichu has awful scorch marks on its rear, Jigglypuff ruined her drawers, Popo is in the hospital, DK lost half his body weight, Zelda's got a hair emergency, and we still haven't been able to find Link!" Crazy Hand said.

"It's got his fingerprints all over…" Master Hand said.

"Wow. That was actually a pretty… well, unsophisticated thing to say," Crazy Hand said.

"I have my moments," Master Hand said.

So they knew about my pranking scam…and it wouldn't be long before the pepper spray incident got around as well. When in trouble, there's only one thing to do!

Play it cool.

And the coolest place is…the pool! I ran out to the back of the mansion and jumped into the pool; only to find everyone else had already jumped…including the people I pranked!

"Uh…hi!" I said.

"It's your fault we had to jump in here! Normally, I dislike the swimming pool, but exploding really makes one overheat!" DK yelled.

"I still haven't found my baseball cap!" Ness complained.

"You ruined my exercise plan!" Zelda screeched.

Pichu PI! **I still have scorch marks on my butt!**" Pichu yipped, showing me its grilled fanny.

"Mewtwo's still out! Come on, buddy, wake up!" Ganondorf said, shaking the limp Mewtwo. After seeing that, I jumped out of the pool, and tried to run away, but they all cornered me.

"You…are so dead!" they all said, cracking their knuckles. I panicked.

"No way! I can turn you into charcoal! What's a bunch of half-baked losers like you going to do to me anyway?" I asked, sticking up my dukes.

Ten Minutes Later…

"I just HAD to ask…" I muttered, lying on my stomach pretty much half-dead with all the severe bruises and broken bones.

"If you don't want to die, I suggest you tell them where Link is. And where your pranking materials are," Master Hand said.

"Link's under a lift machine and my inventions are in a trunk in my room. You might want fire-proof everything before you go in there…" I grumbled.

"There, that wasn't so hard now was it? All we had to do was give you the beating of your life!" Crazy Hand snapped. They all rushed to get Link and probably, get him an ambulance. Me, I just lay there, defeated, unable to even breathe fire.

"Man…this is the last time I ever prank anyone…not even to Bowser it up!" I grumbled, and dragged myself to Dr. Mario's office.

No, really, I won't be pranking anyone, ever…at least until April Fools comes around!

**_Author's Notes: Get it? Bowser was the prank master! Nana was the one freaking out with the 'Get him an ambulance!' thing. DK eventually gets his body fat back, Roy keeps the pepper spray for himself, Marth becomes and even pickier eater, and Samus, in fact saved the day from the Metroids falling from the sky. Oh, and Vicious Venusaur sumo team won the finals. Send in your comments, questions, and chapter requests via review! This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out. _**


	5. Fight for Superiority!

**Reviews: Reviews! Already! That's SO a new record or something. Seriously, I can't wait to answer these reviews hot off the keyboard! **

**Ri2: Long time no see, dude! Or if you're a girl, long time no see man! **

**You know, I normally read so little Super Smash Bros. fanfiction I hardly know any important clichés. I'm usually into making some instead of reading them! **

**But seriously, who made it so the kids could only prank? That Kirby was the only one allowed to place a timely whoopee cushion? That Ness was the only one that wiped boogers on sofas? No one! **

**For all we know, I could've made Samus the prankster! It's just really about the motive. I could've, but I didn't because she's too extreme and might actually kill somebody, which we all know isn't in the summary or the rating requirements. Better just make it more cartoon-like, like when Team Rocket in Pokemon gets the shock treatment everyday but are never electrocuted. Therefore, DK and Zelda were blasted into smithereens, and yet the only one who actually got hurt from the pranking was poor Pichu. **

**Xiao Darkcloud: Hey…I just realized the origins of your name! I have Dark Cloud 1, and I really want Dark Cloud 2…Max rules! **

**Anyways, I'm glad you were so into my story you invented a noun. YAYNESS! And for the record, I ALWAYS do a good job! **

**Alannah: Didn't you have to use your dad's dictionary to remember the words 'treadmill' and 'compromise'? **

**That was between you and me! Don't listen to her guys; I'm a walking dictionary myself! I use words like 'tantamount!' **

**Alannah: Dictionary. **

…**And 'imperative!' And 'surreptitious!' **

**Alannah: Dictionary again, and…okay, the 'surreptitious' one was from fanfiction, but still! **

**I'm ending this review. Now. Goodbye, and thanks for reviewing! **

**RoyalFanatic: **

**Alannah: You've got another reviewer name to add to your dictionary! Wow, I guess this story IS pretty good…even for your standards, Cali. **

**Do I have to put a sock in your mouth to shut you up? Because I will! **

**Alannah: Somebody's unstable. **

**That's it, get out of my basement! **

**Alannah: Whatever. RoyalFanatic, I'm warning you. Don't review this fic, in fact, don't even read her fics. They're the spawn of evil! The poisoned result of hours on computers and video games! She wastes her life on this stuff! Discourage her! I mean it! Just go to someone else's fic- never mind, just get out of the whole freaking Super Smash Bros. category. Better yet, leave this site and never come back. Take the little white pointy thing and press the X on the top right corner of the screen. Disconnect from the internet. What? You're not listening? That's it. No more nice girl! RIP THE DARN CORD OUT OF YOUR DARN MODEM, AND SMASH YOUR DARN PHONE. BE FREE OF THE MENACE THAT IS INTERNET! **

**Ha! The readers never listen to you! Most of these people are addicted to fanfiction! **

**Alannah: … **

**RoyalFanatic: Will you PLEASE stop arguing and answer the stupid review? I've been scrolling down the page for hours!**

**Pushy aren't we? Fine. **

**I was looking for stupid, funny, and everything else a humor story needs. But when you say my story is a good one…well, that's when I break out the shrine stuff and start worshipping my reviewers. THANKS SO MUCH! ROYAL FANATIC YOU SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND! Couldn't help it. **

**Totallystrange: Good old Totallystrange… you make me feel so normal, which I'm not, of course. Normal is boring, like a plain hot dog…or a snow fort that is still in one piece… **

**Reading your review I realize you liked that chapter more than I did. That's impossible though, since I feel like I'm in the chapter some how instead of Bowser! But that's doing the impossible…maybe you should change your name to totallyawesomereviewer! **

**And as for camp…what do you mean no meat! Seriously, like on Monday all I ate was meat. Beef, chicken, whole chicken, steak, fish, goat liver, human kidneys…it's making you hungry right? Right? Well good, because I didn't cook anything... nothing's better than red meat raw! **

**P.S. You don't know the meaning of hyper till you see me and my friend after she came back from the Hershey Chocolate Factory. I didn't know you could get that much chocolate for five bucks! **

**Keba: Another new reviewer! YAYNESS! Seriously, reviews are like the best part of fanfiction! **

**Hmm…Captain Falcon isn't getting enough attention…you could be right. He's a fun character to write about, since he's so darn extreme…as for me, well, I've decided on a joint project between two very well known, very famous characters. But Captain Falcon, I promise, will have a major part in this one. You know, just to keep you reviewing…**

**Demon of the Black Fire: AH! Please don't blow yourself up! I'll get sued by the administration! **

**Bowser has a chemistry set, and he has adult supervision mostly, so that's why he got away with it. But you? No, no, no! You're too crazy for that. As for me…well, I prefer Windex on windows and not inside pop rocks. **

**Feel free to send in invention ideas, though. It's a new and funnier way to blow people up! **

**Anyway, that's it for reviews! **

**Dear Fanfiction Administration: Don't kick me off! Please? **

**Disclaimer: Never owned Super Smash Bros. Never did. But as for NEXT year…I've got talks going on with the guy who runs Nintendo. **

**Please enjoy the new chapter, typo free, I hope! Well, at least the title. **

_**Mario and Dr. Mario in…FIGHT FOR SUPERIORITY!**_

"Mario, this is the second fight this morning! We know you're getting paid to do this somehow, but it's got to stop. Dr. Mario gave you a real good shiner, and not even that blue-haired pansy's makeup will fix that. So no more brawls, understand?" Crazy Hand asked. We sat in the Hands' office. The door was labelled 'C. K. Hand. Psychiatric Medic.'

"But it's not hurting anyone else…!" I retorted. Crazy Hand beckoned several people in, all with injuries in some way.

"You smashed my visor into my face and now I'm bleeding!" Captain Falcon snapped, with ice covering most of his face.

"You elbowed me in the back…" Zelda choked, taking a deep, harsh breath "…and now Link has to carry me everywhere."

"Your stupid fights caused Marth to be body slammed!" Roy growled, carrying the limp Marth "Come on, Marth! I threw out all your stuffed animals!" But he didn't move.

"You…broke all my nails just for taking a sausage you two were fighting over!' Peach broke into extreme sobs, patted on the back by the others.

"BEEP!" Mr. Game and Watch beeped, showing his Chef pan that had been used to whack someone over the head.

"Okay. There's your evidence. Not to mention you yourself had to be hospitalized for a short amount of time out of blood loss!" Master Hand exclaimed.

"Where's Doctor Mario?" I asked. I was angry that he wasn't getting any of this crap either! I mean, how fair is that? You get rid of one hangnail for Master Hand and suddenly you're immune to all punishments! Ugh…ranting…I'm turning into Mr. Drama Queen over there with Roy.

"Oh. Well, he's helping Fox dry clean some odd yellow stuff out of his fur. But he looks a fright! He's littered with various cuts and bruises, and it took Fox three hours to get a coin that had been lodged in his eye, probably from your Super Jump Punch," Master Hand said.

"I told you that special effect with the coins was a bad idea," Crazy Hand gloated.

"Okay, okay, me and Dr. Mario fighting is a bad idea. But what do you want me to do about it?" I asked.

"You're suspended from all matches until you tell us why this is happening. And you're not getting any perks neither!" Crazy Hand said, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"But you can't do that! I'm all that's keeping the game industry alive!" I complained. Link cleared his throat suggestively, Captain Falcon bristled, and Mr. Game and Watch beeped indignantly.

"Oh shut up, Game and Watch. You're a million years old. No one knew you existed until this game," I replied. Hey, it was cold, but it was the truth.

"I double that sentence! You don't even look guilty!" Master Hand roared.

"Am I supposed to? This fight's personal and I don't care about who got hurt," I replied. Seeing the enraged looks on some of their faces, especially Peach's, I quickly revised that.

"Except for you, Peach. You know I'd never hurt you on purpose. I'm not sure about the drama queen in blue over there though…" I said.

"Okay, you don't like Marth! Just quit it already! You already took away his consciousness! Come on, Marth! I put YaHOO spray on your pancakes this morning! Oh man! He won't even rant like he used to! I'm outta here!" And Roy rushed out of the office, carrying Marth.

"People, stop being so LAME! The last thing we need is a replacement for the nose-drip," I said. Some people actually agreed with me.

"That's enough agreeing with the convict!" Crazy hand growled.

"Since when am I a criminal. This place gets brawls everyday," I said. Again, some more people agreed with me.

"That's it! Everyone out! You! No more fights. Not even if someone disses your momma!" Crazy Hand snapped. Everyone filed out of the room grudgingly, like they were missing a championship sumo match or something.

"Okay, the rules. No fighting, no brawling, no skirmishes…" Master Hand began.

"No punching, no kicking, no cheap shots…" Crazy Hand continued.

"No TV, not even for the finals of the sumo match, no matches until further notice, no stealing period…" Master Hand continued.

"No Mario games, not even the hard-to-get Game Cube edition of 'em, no Fire Emblem-" Crazy Hand continued.

"Don't worry. The last thing I want to play ANYTIME is Fire Emblem, not even for a million coins. Who would play a game about a bunch of gay losers running around in silly armour and toothpicks trying to beat a giant gecko?" I asked smugly, sitting back in my chair with me feet on top of Crazy Hand's desk.

"Oh man, you better be glad no one else heard that, or you'd be fried like steak on a buttery skillet," Crazy Hand chortled.

"Whatever…" I said, pushing my hat down over my eyes. The hands continued listing the rules. Man…how did a stupid video recording get this far?

**Two Hours Earlier…**

Mario and Dr. Mario were pushing their faces in front of a video camera, each trying to get more space.

"Okay, so the author decided we'd do this chapter together since she couldn't decide who was better," Dr. Mario began.

"We're going to show you what life's like for us in this silly house…if only Dr. Mario would give me some space to do the narration!" Mario growled, and tried pushing Dr. Mario out of the way, who punched him in the face and they continued struggling for camera space.

"Like your time here is anything interesting! Yeah, making a pastrami and rye sandwich for lunch is just SO important! Unlike my job. I'd make the better chapter. I see some pretty funny stuff in the medic office. Like that time Falco got an eyeliner pencil in his eye! I also give helpful advice to the less sane members of the mansion. That's the makings of a good and funny chapter!" Dr. Mario grunted, kicked Mario aside, who backhanded him.

"Watching you give the Smashes AIDS for not changing your needles, you lazy bum, is not something K+ readers care about! They want Mr. Nintendo at his best! And for your information, I fix more bathrooms in this house in the time it takes you to put a band-aid over someone's gouged kneecap!" Mario shouted.

Dr. Mario only gave him a bad punch in the face as a reply. After that a full-on fight erupted. The camera was thrown to the ground, going out of focus as the two wrestled each other to the ground. Dr. Mario was winning the fight for a while, turning Mario's face into an unrecognizable bloody splat by breaking his nose with an elbow, but the REAL trouble began when Mario threw the doctor off. They began using the most un-Mario like karate-Soul Caliber killing type moves. Dr. Mario, keen to win this fight jumped onto Mario's head, knocking him senseless with punches, the kind that gave Mario the black eye. Mario in reply threw him off so hard he slammed into a wall where Marth just happened to be standing. They kept exchanging blows, like punishing karate chops to the torso, Bruce Lee dragon kicks and don't get me started on the grabs. Dr. Mario snuck up behind him but Mario elbowed him, and punched him in the face with the back of his balled fist, and then threw him again, or tried at least, until Dr. Mario kicked him in the stomach painfully and began strangling Mario Homer Simpson style. Mario took the stethoscope and began whipping Dr. Mario with it, all the while slowly choking. Dr. Mario winced, which Mario an opening and the senseless battle continued.

Roy was walking into the living room for his lunchtime sumo match when he saw the fight going on.

"Whoa…what's going on? Guys, calm down!" he said. When they ignored him Roy charged into the fight, and subsequently got slammed into the wall like Marth.

"Ow…at least my landing was soft…wait a second. That's Marth! Are you alright?" Roy would spend the rest of his day trying to revive Marth.

Mario punched Dr. Mario to get him to stop strangling, and then kicked him away. He was going to kick him Bruce Lee style again but missed and hit Captain Falcon, who hit Zelda…who hit Young Link, who collapsed, with no doctor to take care of him.

Link walked into the living room, and saw that at least Roy was still breathing.

"What's going on!" he asked, shocked at the carnage.

"Dr. Mario and Mario are fighting over that camera over there! Probably because it's their turn to do the chapter. But they knocked Marth! They will PAY!" he roared. Link just backed away and tried to stop the fight.

"You suck! I'm so the better Mario!" Mario cheered, karate-chopping Dr. Mario, who dodged and tripped Mario, and then body slammed him with his elbow, leaving Mario unable to breathe.

"Who's the better Mario? ME! Ha! I AM SUPER-" he was about to yell, but Mario got up and dog-piled him, punch his face rapidly.

"NO WAY! This is the only time fights aren't censored and I'm taking advantage of it!" Mario roared, finally karate chopping Dr. Mario in the neck.

"Not so fast! Guys, you have to stop before you kill each other!" Link warned.

"SHUT UP!" They both yelled, and pushed him into a wall.

"I tried. Time to bring in the reinforcements," Link said, and rushed off to bring Peach.

Meanwhile the fight continued, with no winner in sight. **Seriously, this is like the only chapter that isn't completely in first-person view! Yeah, this fight is over who's the better Mario. No really, who is the better Mario? Time to find out. **

"Super Karate Chop!" Mario roared, and hit Dr. Mario so hard he skidded across the carpeted floor. Dr. Mario just got up and dragon kicked the other fighter, who collapsed.

"You can't win! I might not be as fast but I've got better endurance!" Dr. Mario said, and stepped on Mario's neck, which nearly choked, but Mario karate chopped Dr. Mario's ankle, which shattered.

"Ha! Lack of calcium turned your bones to glass!" Mario cheered, but since he talked, a bit of blood spurted out from his throat.

It was a stalemate at this point. Dr. Mario couldn't walk and Mario couldn't breathe so well. If you were wondering how this fight was ever funny here comes the humor.

"Guys! Please stop fighting!" Peach squealed.

"That little weasel Link!" Dr. Mario growled.

"He squealed! Looks like e have to stop for real this time…" Mario sighed, defeated.

"No way! I have to pay back for breaking my ankle!" DR. Mario said stubbornly.

"Please…stop fighting…for…me?" Peach asked cautiously, hopefully, with her best puppy-dog look on, which was twice as good as Zelda's and that's saying something. The two combatants felt a warmth well up inside and smiled and Peach, who smiled back mildly. They walked/crawled up to her.

"Will…you stop fighting?" she asked.

"HECK NO!" they yelled, and threw her out a nearby window. They continued fighting. They started getting creative, using whatever they could get their hands on to aid them in battle: lamps, remotes, the TV, Ness's head…

"Can nothing stop them! Is it the end of Super Smash Brothers Melee?" Link asked.

"Who are you talking to?" Roy asked.

"The readers. Now, to the author…" Link began calmly, clearing his throat "WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?" **Author cowers underneath her keyboard. **

Dr. Mario stopped fighting for a moment.

"Don't you mean 'What on Hyrule is wrong with you?'?" Dr. Mario asked.

"You throw Peach out of a window, but you stop fighting just to correct me!" Link asked, annoyed beyond belief.

"Of course. You're a fun person to correct. It's something of my hobby," Dr. Mario said. At that opportunity, Mario tackled Dr. Mario, and strangled him, ending the battle.

"Yes! He's finally out!" Mario cheered. "I AM SUPERIOR!" Crazy Hand and Master Hand came in.

"You bet you are. You're in a superior amount of hot water. We've had non-stop complaints about this fight for hours! Oh, believe me. Once we're through with you your face will have a superior amount of misery on it," Crazy Hand said.

"Capital idea. That was a superior pun, Crazy Hand!" Master Hand said.

"I have my moments. Now, I'll get him, you tell the Smashers to clean up the mess," Crazy Hand said, cracking his knuckles at Mario.

"Agreed! Okay people, if this living room is cleaned up in the next five minutes I'll let you make Mario the most superior when it comes to misery," They all rushed around cleaning things up. Master Hand carried Dr. Mario away to the hospital, where fifteen minutes later the worst of his injuries would be a bloodied lip, and he'd be back telling people what to do.

And so this story ends. But me, I figure the superior Mario is the one who ISN'T in a superior amount of trouble, in which one had to install the new bathrooms and clean the old ones. Mario never got into another fight for superiority again.

At least, not until the plumbing incident with Dr. Mario's clinic sink…

**_Author's Notes: Liked it? Hated it? Wondered why Dr. Mario didn't get something in first person? Maybe because this was a MARIO chapter the whole time, and I already decided Dr. Mario would get his own! Isn't that great? So why was it so short? Um…I…uh…?...This is Caliban the Wizard, making a hasty retreat-I mean signing out! Don't forget about sending in your comments questions and life stories via review! _** ****


	6. The LochNess Monster

**Reviews: **

**Wow! I got a lot of reviews this time around! I just love answering them! **

**Blazing Fool: You care as much about reviewing as much as I care about answering reviews! That's just peachy! Oh man…I'm turning into an old person…who says peachy anymore? **

**Anyways, aren't you glad school has started? Less fun, less food, less sleep, and less updates from Caliban! It's a horrible reality…that's why I'm making as many chapters of this story as possible! **

**Oh man…Newgrounds…I have big problems with that site…especially since my little bro got in trouble how many times for going there…please, this is a rated K+ site! Show some love for the little ones! Heh…just kidding! Your idea about Zelda and Peach fighting next is just a GREAT idea. Unfortunately, I have a more important battle scripted for this chapter. And no, it's not you killing Mario for insulting Fire Emblem. Not even close. **

**P.S. We BOTH have perverted friends…but believe me when I say that my friends are a million times worse. I GUARANTEE you that if you spend five minutes with them regarding doushinji, you'll never be the same again. **

**Ri2: Darn it! Again I mess up someone's gender! That's…one…two…five people and I just started writing! Oh man…**

**And yes, Crazy Hand is a psychiatrist…who's not entirely sane himself! And if you're wondering what the 'K' stands for in his title, it's Crazy Knuckles Hand, Psychiatric Medic! That's great huh? **

**But as for the fight…I'm going to tell the truth, which is something I rarely do. I'm not much for writing about actual punches and kicks kind of fights for the simple reason that I'm used to just beating the crap out of someone before they land a hit. Breaking their nose is a good way to stop someone in their tracks. **

**Alannah: The last time she pulled that stunt she was nearly expelled from her school! So don't try and break someone's nose. Ever. She was just being her silly, not-quite-sane self. **

**I'm ignoring her…I'm ignoring her…Anyways, glad you could review! **

**Demon of the Black Fire: You know, someone really ought to start calling you crazy more often. Your comments make for a good review! **

**Like, we all know that although he's got a make-up set, that SO does not make Marth…fruity. **

**Just the same, even though Mario won the brawl Dr. Mario won in the long run for not having to install bathrooms by himself. Mind you, Mario's not usually so mean but he IS a violent plumber after all…**

**And if you thought those ideas were random check out this TOTALLY random chapter! Heh…I'm feeling generous…I'll even dedicate it to you! **

**Urby: Your double reviewing is the bane of all fanfiction writers everywhere! Why couldn't you be nice like Blazing Fool and make separate reviews! And to think I actually went and read and reviewed your Tales of Symphonia story 'Teacakes'…! **

**Wait a sec…is your name really just 'Ruby' misspelled? That thought just struck me, seriously I'm only just figuring out the reviewers' names right now! But don't feel bad about the horrible, glaring misspelling that totally ruins your name! It's creative…at least more creative than Caliban! I found four other users with that name and it kills me! That's why I was forced to add 'the Wizard'. Life sucks, don't it? **

**Anyways…**

**Poor everyone indeed. I'd like to see how you'd feel in Pichu's shoes…man, someone give the poor little electric mouse abomination some love…**

**GO VICIOUS VENUSAUR! You know, they've always been my favorite team…although Amazing Alakazam IS pretty solid…we'll just have to see how he does this chapter, huh? **

**And now with Urby's Mario review. **

**To tell you the truth, I'm not crazy about Street Fighter much past the games and the anime. Wait…that's pretty much everything about Street Fighter…well, anyways, I don't know the characters or the attacks too well, but it would have been cool. It just didn't strike me at the time. But I'll be sure to get it into this story somehow! **

**RoyalFanatic: I'm sure you loved being in the review about as much as I enjoyed arguing with Alannah…who I argue with too much anyways. **

**And for the record, when someone asks me to read and review one of their stories, I have a record of doing so because you did, after all, take the time to review me! So, that's right, all authors, ask Caliban the Wizard to read and review, because I just LOVE to! **

**And Bowser, quit picking on poor RoyalFanatic! You're supposed to be a team here! **

**And you know, writing another fight for superiority chapter seems…well, monotone. Although…the idea of 'FIGHT FOR SUPERIORITY II' is pretty tempting…as a Pichu chapter, of course. I'll have to think about it…just keep bugging me about it and eventually I'll get pissed and write the chapter. **

**Keba: You ought not feel special. I didn't do Captain Falcon justice! He should have had a bigger part! MUST ADD MORE CAPTAIN FALCON TO NEW CHAPTER! **

**Of course, you didn't think I'd just forget about you and not put you in my reviews answering thing? I never forget a reviewer, even if I someday become so popular I have to write a separate story just to answer all my reviews, I'll never leave out a single one. It'd be my pleasure! **

**Now I feel special. You went and wrote down your extra-special favorites. Personally, we have the same tastes. I liked the throwing Peach out the window part and the Soul Caliber fighting too! But the Mr. Game and Watch comment…that must have bugged people as much as the Fire Emblem comment! Although would it be more offending to say Mr. Game and Watch sounds like a telephone? **

**AshRB: AshRB, the R in your middle name must mean 'Reviews Are Short And Sweet' because it was four words and the sweetness gave me a cavity! Reviews like those are the ones I like in particular because then I can sum up the thanks in four words. Awesome and sweet review. **

**Xiao-Darkcloud: Xiao? A stick figure! What was that one smoking? Listen people, Xiao in Dark Cloud is not a freaking stick-figure. She's a cat…thing that followed the main hero whom I call Drake home and drank his potion…stuff. **

**And your old, tired comments don't need replacing…I'm just happy with any I get. Yeah, I'm that desperate. **

**Anyway, reviews are done! Finished. Nada. Go home already! Wait, never mind. You still have to review for this chapter! **

**Please enjoy my short but funny chapter about Ness! After disclaimers, of course.**

**Dear Fanfiction Administration: Let me answer the reviews. I mean, I could care less; it just means less writing and merriment for me. But look at all the readers. What will they do? Who will give them the appreciation and sense of humor they so sorely need? **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. Melee. SO QUIT RUBBING IT IN! Seriously, that salt really makes my cut sting. **

_**Back By Popular Demand! Ness and Ness-essities.**_

Man…my poor head. What happened last night? Oh yeah…that horrible blankness…the one where I don't remember anything! And why does my head hurt so much! Ugh…it's like my head was used as a weapon in a brawl or something…Must open…eyes…must struggle against impossible odds…must be a HERO! I sat up, only to sit up a little too hard and end up tumbling toward a pool…a very cold looking pool. Well, at least the shock of cold water running down my spine woke my brain up.

"Who's the idiot who though of building a swimming pool at the base of a hill!" I thought. "Jeez, you'd think all these people do is hit each other over the head and fight or something…glad I don't live with those kind of people…" After dragging myself out, I saw a lady in a long pink dress with long blond hair crying, long streaks of black stuff coming from her long eyelashes. I got the idea she was a very long person. Maybe that was her name…

"Hey, Long. What's wrong?" I asked, patting her in the back, which took a great deal of stretching since she happened to be long vertical-wise. **Don't you mean tall? Jeez… **

"My boyfriend…I mean boyfriends threw me out the window!" she cried.

"Maybe the reason they threw you out a window was because you had more than one boyfriend," I said.

"Oh no," she said, going all business-like, and wiping the long black streaks off her cheeks. " You see, they are actually the same person, just from separate video games. The problem is that they both love me but they threw me out because I tried to stop them from fighting!" She started crying again.

"There, there. You're very pretty, in fact, I like you! We can go tell your boyfriends to stick it!" I said, trying my best to cheer her up. But she just started crying even more

"I need my vanilla pudding!" she bawled, and rushed out into a mansion.

_Her _Vanilla Pudding? HER Vanilla Pudding? What does this Mister Pudding have that I don't? I mean, if his last name is Pudding he obviously doesn't exercise! I hardly weigh much at all! Why would she love this Vanilla Pudding more than me? That is SO it! I'm going to chase this Vanilla Pudding so bad he won't have any place in that mansion! In fact, he's in my mansion! To hell with him I say!

So I walked around my mansion, realizing that Long and Pudding were not the only ones that lived in the mansion. There were many others, such as Pink Lady a.k.a Scary Gray Child, Bubble Gum, Butterball Baboon, Eyeliner Foxy, Scary Chicken Wannabe, Alexander Graham Bell who could only beep, Tweedlehat and Tweedlecap, Hitler Kitty who plotted to rule the world, Shocker and Zap, Blue Pansy and Fire-Addict Rex, the racing veteran Russell Crow, Dr. Quakensteiner, Spiked Binky, the mysterious plumber 'M', Eskimo Lad and Frosty the Snowgirl, Swirl-Head, Green Nightmare, Uni-brow Man, and last but not least crazy/murderous.

I realized to wage my war on Vanilla Pudding, I needed an army. I tried asking but they called something called the 'Police' on me. I didn't particularly like him, Police had a nasty habit of trying to put metal rings around my wrists, which caused me to throw him out an open window. After a lot of experimenting, I found my roommates would listen to whatever I ordered if I hit their head as hard as I could with a baseball bat. I assembled them into an empty room, which had 'Ness, Artist and Potter in Training. Do not Enter or Get Hit By Baseball Bat' written on the door. Too bad Loch-Ness was gone; she would have made a good servant. I'd like to see Vanilla Pudding's face covered in paint when I'd finished murdering him, but whatever. I cleared Loch-Ness's room of all debris and set up a little conference room, with a podium and mike.

"Okay people, the issue on the table is the war on vanilla pudding. Any suggestions on how to make his stay in the mansion as uncomfortable as possible?" I asked. Tweedlehat instantly raised his hand.

"Well, I was thinking of taking all signs of Pudding…and burning it! That'll show that gross pasty-face jerk!" Tweedlehat said. The little version of Tweedlehat, Tweedlecap, agreed.

"Yeah! I remember I had a really nasty run-in with Pudding…he messed my shirt when I was eating his secret recipe custard, he said! That was SO Vanilla Pudding!" Tweedlecap grunted angrily. I banged my fist on the podium.

"Excellent suggestion! He'll fry at the touch of your Charge Shot! Anything else? Butterball Baboon, what about you?" I asked.

"Pointy things! Why don't we weaken him, watch him in pain before we destroy him!" he yipped, throwing a halberd at the charred remains of the poster of Vanilla Pudding.

"Even better! Pre-emptive strikes are the heart and soul of war! Crazy/dangerous, do you have a suggestion?" I asked, when she raised her laser gun. She charged it, and then blew up a graffiti picture of Vanilla Pudding, even the thumbtacks holding it to the wall.

"Excellent! Eskimo Lad and Frosty the Snowgirl, what are your suggestions?" I asked.

"Peel the little protective films off! It always stops our goal of destroying Pudding!" Frosty the Snowgirl screamed. Her brother calmed her back into her seat.

"All the more reason to get Pudding! Burn him! Take his little plastic 'custard' containers and smash them! Take the pudding spoons and bend them! Use knifes and impale the seals! ERADICATE HIM!" I roared. My followers cheered.

"KILL PUDDING! KILL PUDDING! KILL PUDDING!" they all cried.

"That's the spirit! Now go my children! Destroy the evil lurking in our home!" They dutifully grabbed weapons and generally prepared for battle.

"DOWN WITH PUDDING! DOWN WITH PUDDING! DOWN WITH PUDDING!" they chanted as they went into the kitchen and shuffled through the cupboards and refrigerators, until they found a huge pyramid of pudding cups. All of it white, chilled, sickeningly sweet.

"It's disgusting!" Tweedlecap choked, and vomited. Blue Pansy paled.

"Hold me, Fire-Addict Rex…" he said, growing faint.

"Come on everyone! Be strong! It's ugly, I know, just start stabbing!" I said, taking a spear and ripping open 'custard' cups. Everyone followed suit. They decapitated pudding spoons. They dismembered containers. They were vicious warriors. Of particular note was when poor Scary Chicken Wannabe ran out of un-bloodied weapons and used his beak to destroy a particularly large custard cup.

Just then, Long came into the kitchen, and paled. I ripped open the last custard cup and disemboweled it, sending white, sticky goop flying across the room and landing on Long's face.

"Isn't it wonderful, Long? I've destroyed every trace of Vanilla Pudding! Now to get him for REAL!" I said, grabbing a puddinged sword and running upstairs to kill Vanilla Pudding.

"What…what have you done to my pudding! You've destroyed every last cup!" Long gasped, and then started bawling.

"There you go again, calling it 'YOUR Pudding!'! That nasty pasty-faced square isn't right for you! I AM!" I roared. It was as if those words echoed through the suddenly silent mansion. Everybody shook their heads like they'd just gotten out of a daze, and the color drained out of Long's face, pink dress and all.

"Your face looks like that villain Pudding! Let me clean the pale out right away!" I said, taking off my baseball cap. Long didn't move, but just took out an umbrella and hit me over the head so hard I fell unconscious. My last thought was…

Why Long? WHY!

_A Long Time After…. _

Ness woke up with the mother of all migraines.

"Oh…my head…what was I doing for the past ten hours?" he wondered. The Smashers were gathered around him.

"You tried to rule the world, that's what! Man…everyone knows I already rule the world. This is bad marketing!" Mario snapped. **Ah…Mario. So straightforward.**

"WHAT? That can't be true!" Ness cried.

"Of course. When someone else tries to push me off my pedestal, I make the guy in the big chair at Nintendo take forever with that someone's game," Mario said.

"So that's why they're taking so long on Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess!" Link cried. **Tell me about it. It could take EONS until that most excellent good-graphics-all-the-time game comes out in English! Or possibly until April 2006. **

"I don't mean that! I meant about the attempt to rule the world!" Ness said.

"Oh, that. Well, Peach knows more about that than I do. But I do remember you hit us all over the head with your baseball bat and turned us into your zombie slaves with odd names," Mario said, looking bored when he wasn't talking about himself. Ness looked at Peach.

"I don't remember anything!" Ness panicked. Good thing pretty much all the Smashers remembered. Except for 'Blue Pansy', who fainted half-way.

"You hit your head when Mario used your head for a weapon," Peach said, glaring at Mario, who looked pretty guilty. Peach muttered that he was the most selfish, insensitive blah-blah on Earth and then continued with the story.

"Then when you woke up you fell in love with me, grew extremely jealous of pudding for some reason, gathered/extorted all the Smashers so they'd listen to your every insane word, SPILLED ALL MY PUDDING, and then collapsed…for reasons no one knows about…" Peach finished quickly, looking around nervously.

"BEEP!" Mr. Game and Watch took out Peach's bent umbrella, that had a distinct imprint of Ness' head.

"YOU knocked me out! But…you're Peach!" Ness cried.

'She has an awful temper," Mario pointed out. Peach glared at Mario. Ness sat down, thinking for a while.

"Mario, this is all your fault! If you didn't use my head as a weapon, I wouldn't have gotten amnesia and fallen for Peach! And Peach, you should have just been quiet about pudding; because amnesiacs are unstable people and might do God-knows-what! And darn me and my colorful imagination! I thought up excellent names for all of you!" Ness cried. The Smashers all had identical glares on their faces, especially Link.

"What? Tweedlehat was one of my best! Now if you excuse me, Swirl-Head, I'd like my art supplies back. I have to make a poster of all the names! That way those names will be immortalized…FOREVER!" Ness cheered. The Smashers looked at one another, drew weapons, and began chasing Ness.

"IF YOU CALL ME 'LONG' EVER AGAIN I'LL HIT YOU SIX WAYS FROM SUNDAY!" Peach yelled the loudest.

"Temper, temper!" Mario teased. Peach whacked him over the head, and there was one less person chasing Ness.

As for Ness, he quickly became an excellent flee-er. Yes, he wanted to stay un-insane that bad…especially if you don't want to wage another pointless, but effective war.

He never waged another war again…at least until he got an uncontrollable urge to destroy the Easter Bunny for eating the rabbit ears off his chocolate…

**_Author's Notes: This is a particular favorite. It has timeless individuality. Come on! A sloppily-written chapter about Ness waging a war on pudding! Who couldn't love that? Anyways, I want you people to guess who's nickname belongs to who. I already did one for you. Tweedlehat is Link! Who ever gets all of them right appears in my next chapter! Isn't that great? Send in your contest answers, comments, and questions via review! This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out! _**


	7. YoSushi Taco Bell!

**Reviews…: **

**What's this? An update? **

**People…you shall find no review answers here! They're at the bottom of the page, at the request of a reviewer. Ha! Bet I got you good, didn't I? **

**Dear Fanfiction Administration: Don't take away me account? Arrgh, she's all I gots! Of course, I AM the kind who forges accounts… **

**Disclaimer: Discussion with Nintendo Head Shigeru Miyamoto Pending. **

**And now…the brand-spanking new chapter seven! Who is it this time? Yoshi, of course. **

_**Yo-Sushi Taco Bell! **_

"Okay, Yoshi. Using Crazy Hand's Yo-Translator, we will attempt to figure out why you tried to escape from the mansion at 'O' one hundred hours!" Master Hand said. I did not sweat, or panic, or fidget, but simply licked vanilla pudding off my cheeks with my tongue. Yep. Cool's the way to go when you're up against Master Blah and his associate, Crazy Knuckles.

They were sitting in Master Hand's office. On the door, in fancy gold lettering read: Master Hand: I put the 'OW!' in 'Outrageous!'! **Caliban: Listen up, people! Now that the Yo-Translator is on, they can understand Yoshi. That means for this whole chapter, when Yoshi speaks without the bold lettering, the Translator is being used. **

"Start talking, Mojo," Crazy Hand snapped.

"First of all, my name is Yo-Sushi, not Mojo. Well, I'd prefer Yoshi, but anyways, I'm not talking until one of you bums gets me a napkin! I mean, look at me? You smell one vanilla bean and suddenly my mouth goes Yoshi on me," he snapped, licking more vanilla off his cheeks, the image of Yoshi happiness.

"Enough of you Yoshi-like nonsense convict! We want answers!" Master Hand roared.

"Yoshi-like? So I'm an adjective now? DISCRIMINATION! I have a lawyer you know!" I began snapping. Just because I like eating and haven't been known to speak human, DOESN'T mean I'm a gibbering idiot! Seriously, Pikachu's a MOUSE for heaven's sake, and you don't see anyone offering him cheese.

"Okay, okay! We're sorry! We don't want our palms chafing anymore than they are," Crazy Hand replied.

"Chafing…?" Yoshi asked.

"Yeah. I rightly don't know how Mario or Mickey Mouse or Zelda pull the whole white gloves thing," Crazy Hand sighed. "Well, anyways Mister Yo-Sushi, we'd like to hear your tale about why you suddenly decided to escape."

"Alright, but it ain't pretty," I began.

**Three Hours Earlier…**

"My name's Yo-Sushi, better known as Yoshi, blah, blah, you get the idea. Okay, I just put the Yo-Translator on so all you viewers out there can see MY side of the Smashing Story. I know, isn't it great! There I was, minding my own business taking a walk, and suddenly I trip over this video camera like, an hour ago!

So anyways, we'll begin with my training-wait a second…Do I smell…vanilla pudding? You guys don't want to miss this! It might be like that time Dr. Mario got into the record books for the world's biggest bowl of marzipan! I don't know what marzipan is either, but it tastes good…"

I continued running through the hall when I saw the most wonderful sight. Large amounts of refrigerated pudding unguarded! Okay, so it was a nasty spill on the floor, but my instincts took over. However, it turned out that the floor WAS guarded.

"OW! Someone littered the floor with makeshift caltrops! I knew it was too good to be true…" I whined, picking painful…what were they…? Pudding cups? Whatever. All I knew was that they hurt.

The worst part was I couldn't pick them out, because they were well-camouflaged without their shiny red films.

After a while I gave up trying to lick between the caltrops.

"Uh oh…it's already past lunch! I need my sugar…" I muttered. I opened up every cupboard in the kitchen, but someone beat me to all the sugar, even the raw kind.

"I can't believe this! Who's crazy enough to eat ALL the sugar in the house! Ah well. Maybe there's like a bakery somewhere around here…" And so began my travel outside the mansion.

I walked to the farthest point of the courtyard until I reached an ordinary metal wiring fence.

"I can jump this any day!" I tried to use my Flutter Jump, but my pinkie toe accidentally touched the fence and I was instantly electrocuted, worse than a thousand Charge Shots with the Super Scope.

"ALERT. ALERT. ESCAPEE ON THE LOOSE. CAPTURE AND SUBDUE."

"OH CRUD! That must be the alarm!" I ran for my life.

Some other part of the mansion…

"Oh no. That little critter ain't escaping!" Crazy Hand snapped, banging a fist.

"Release the hounds!" Master Hand said.

**Back with Yoshi…**

"AH! They've released the hounds!" I screamed, as a whole pack of dogs chased after me, each one even larger and more vicious than the last. I was pretty sure their teeth were caked with…what was that? BLOOD?

"OH NO! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! IMMINENT DEATH!" I used my patented Flutter Jump and then Ground-Pounded just as they all gathered on my launching space.

"People, let me remind you animal cruelty is not okay, not even with video game characters. In fact, I should be arrested for what I just did, because hurting animals is bad, no questions asked. Not even if they try to maul you like they tried with me. Yeah, you probably think this completely lame. Stupid kids these days. I know you people play a lot more violent video games that show worse stuff than animal cruelty, but just hear me out! I mean, if we're cruel to animals, what's stopping us from being cruel to each other? It's a vicious circle that begins and ends with-" A brick was thrown.

"OW!"

**Now with the Hands**.

"What? His stupid animal rights speech was abusing his Yo-Translator rights!" Master Hand said.

"Fine with me. Uh oh. Not fine with me. He done KO'd the hounds! That's animal cruelty!" Crazy Hand snapped.

"Crazy Hand…" Master Hand said.

"What?"

"Just go release the other security measure. And MAKE SURE THIS TIME IT'S THE GOOD ONE!"

**Now back with Yoshi**

I kept running across the field. I saw the little hole in the fence: perfect for escaping through. A GIGANTIC ball of sticky pink taffy came rolling through. It was so sticky it was picking up grass.

"ACK! An anti-escape orb! And it's made of Wacky Taffy!"

The huge anti-escape orb came rolling forth. There was no way to dodge, Flutter-Jump, or any sort of way to save myself.

"Man! What a lame way to die. Crushed by a huge ball of yummy, delicious, pink Wacky Taffy! Wait…yummy, delicious…Wacky Taffy! Of course!"

I opened my mouth as wide as I could, and took a great big bite, biting RIGHT THROUGH the ball of Wacky Taffy.

"Blech! This taffy's contaminated with grass! HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION!"

**Back with the Hands. Man, there must be some easier to break between… **

"That's it. I am calling the professionals," said Master Hand.

"You don't mean-?" Crazy Hand asked.

"Yes. I'm calling …them. They'll deal with that no good escapee! NO ONE ESCAPES FROM THE SMASH MANSION ALIVE!" Master Hand snapped "That's right! It's time to draw a line in the sand! Take no prisoners!"

"Whoa…way scary…" Master Hand slammed his fist onto a red button that said "Push in case of escapes. We mean it, seriously, initiative is for suckers."

"You didn't have to do that! The last time we called em over they destroyed the mansion! They're loonier than Bugs Bunny with a lifetime supply o' carrots!"

"So what! Sacrifices must be made! Yoshi will never survive this!"

**Back with the totally clueless Yoshi…**

"Whew! I'm almost out of here! Wait…does anyone remember why I'm trying to get out of here again? Oh yeah…I need sugar…FOR SUGAR!" I ran for the hole in the fence, but someone fired a shot with a gun right at me!

"AH! Someone just tried to kill me! Psycho, you can't kill me! I'm a time-honoured beloved children's video game character! And I have copyrights from Shigeru Miyamoto!"

"So what? We're the Super Smash Bros. Escapee Control Faction, or SSBECF, and we have immunity for your stupid copyrights!" said a lady in a super-cool, mercenary costume.

"W-who are you people?" I asked. She opened a licence.

"What does that say? Urby…? HA-HA! That's the silliest thing I've ever heard! Urby! Ha-ha! Where's your twin Kirby, huh? Huh? Or maybe you misspelled Ruby! Nice name! Hoo hoo…I haven't laughed like that in ages…" I paled when I saw the murderous look in her face.

"Ruby…? Kirby…?" she asked "YOU'RE DEAD MEAT! NO ONE MESSES UP MY NAME!" Before she could pump me full of lead, someone tied the rope from a grappling hook around her.

"Whoa Nelly…calm down there…" said a short blond chick in the same uniform, holding a grappling hook and apparently struggling.

"Let me go, Elfbrat! This punk dies! AND DON'T CALL ME NELLY! MY NAME IS URBY!" she raved, looking ABSOLUTELY furious.

"Whoa…issues…" Elfbrat commented, still struggling with the grappling hook.

Someone charged a flame-thrower, and shot it RIGHT beside my head.

"You're the boss. Where do you want me to torch?" asked a young man with brown hair holding a flamethrower, with a cool looking holster on his back. He set up the flame-thrower and aimed VERY carefully at my stomach.

"THE HEAD! THE HEAD! TORCH HIM IN THE HEAD, BLAZING FOOL!" she yelled.

"Whoa…issues…" Blazing Fool replied "Someone didn't screw up her name again, did they?"

"HE DID, HE DID! BURN HIM, BURN HIM!" Urby yelled.

"What are you, Jacob Two-Two? Besides, pumping him full of lead is so much cooler than burning people anyways…" said a kid, in a tee that said "More Mayhem for your Money" instead of the usual uniform everyone seemed to be wearing. He had a scary-looking machine gun on his back, which he took out and charged it.

"Ha! You can't kill me! You can't even aim! Try taking off your sunglasses first, you-" Three shots were fired DANGEROUSLY close to my head. We're talkin' a hair's breadth away from my skin!

"Yeah, what were you going to say?" he asked.

"Uh…I was just going to say I wanted your autograph 'because you must be the world's top sharp-shooter or something heh…and your sunglasses are nice…" I said. He shot again, and this time it was a single millimetre from my…well, I don't need to say.

"Totallystrange, you missed!" a girl snapped.

"No I didn't," he replied. My summer shorts split in two.

"WHO ARE YOU PSYCHOS!" I screamed, and tried running for it. THREE grappling hooks tied me up, keeping me from moving. An extremely painful high-heeled shoe stomped on my head.

"That's so rude! Running from us when we're dealing with you. You no good stinking escapee! And another thing! I'm Demon of the Black Fire here! Why am I manager! I wanna cool weapon too! I mean, she gives Totallystrange a machine gun, but she gives me a suit! I mean this skirt is tiny!" Another shot was heard and it snapped the pencil in Demon of the Black Fire's hair in two.

"What? I have a short attention span!" Totallystrange said.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" a lady snapped. Totallystrange fired yet another shot.

"Sorry, Xiao Darkcloud, I didn't catch all that!"

"Uh…I meant that my partners Keba and RoyalFanatic want to stand here in front of me in case you shoot again!"

"What? Don't bring me into this! I'm too beautiful to die!" Keba whined.

"And I still have to finish off that giant steak they sell at Montana's Steak-hut!" RoyalFanatic cried.

"You can't finish that steak! I told you, it's too huge!" Keba snapped.

"It is not! Besides, you and beautiful don't belong in the same sentence," RoyalFanatic said. Keba pulled out her gun.

"Wanna run that through me again?"

"You look like an overweight leprechaun!" A gun fight ensued, stray bullets cracking through the wall, where Falco was watching the news. You could hear HyperMew on the television.

"This is HyperMew, the hyper kitty, here with a news report! Caliban the Wizard has deployed the elite Super Smash Brothers Escapee Control Faction! Oy…wait…let…me…BREATHE! Okay, yeah, so let's see what they'll break this time!"

"O…kay there…" Totallystrange muttered, shooting the TV.

"Hey! I was watching that!" Another shot was fired.

"AHH!" And so no one saw Falco for the rest of the day.

"Yikes…you people are violent!" a dude holding dual-guns said.

"What do you know? You like King K. Rool, doubledude!" Xiao snapped.

**Caliban: Hey! I like him too! He rules! Look man. King K. Rool: Some greedy ruler type guy and big boss in DK series. His plan to destroy the DK Isles with his Blast-o-Matic shows how totally AWESOME he is! **

"So what? He rules! His plan to destroy the DK Isles with his Blast-o-Matic shows how totally AWESOME he is!" said doubledude, grinning.

"He's just like boss, honestly," said Demon of the Black Fire.

"Um, hello! Yoshi being ignored here! Aren't we supposed to have some sort of painful, climatic fight?" I asked.

"If Elfbrat ever lets go of Urby," Blazing Fool replied.

"What really makes me mad is the lack of compassion and attention with you people! I'm dying over here!" Elfbrat growled, REALLY struggling with the stark-raving lunatic that was Urby.

"Shut up! Just let me go so I'll kill him!" Urby said, and began thrashing even more. The rope on the grappling hook began slowly breaking…

"Uh oh! I'm dead! Xiao Darkcloud, lemme GOOOOO!"

"Cry me a river, ya freak. RoyalFanatic and Keba are already dead, but you don't see me whining about it," Xiao said.

"You actually seem pretty happy about this," Totallystrange said.

"They were pretty annoying," Xiao replied.

"Hello! We're still alive over here…! Hello?" RoyalFanatic and Keba whined, underneath piles of rubble. A random Charge Shot burst through the rubble, as Samus came charging by, destroying Metroids along the way.

"OUR HEROOOO!" they squealed.

"Both of you get back here!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped.

"I'm bored. Let's go blow something up," said Blazing Fool to Totallystrange.

"O-K!" And they left to go blow up the mansion.

"SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!" Elfbrat yelled, losing control on the grappling hook.

"SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO HER!" I yelled.

"Both of you shut up! I'm concentrating on blowing up the mansion!" doubledude said.

"DEATH TO ALL YOSHIS!" Urby roared, and with that the rope snapped.

"AAAAHHHHHH! SOMEONE GET THESE ROPES OFF OF ME!" I yelled, struggling.

"Wait a sec. I'm a Yoshi! I'll just eat these ropes!" I took a bite of the ropes, but then spat them out.

"Blech! These taste worse than Roy's cooking, and that's saying something!" I whined.

"Don't worry! We'll help you out!" Keba said.

"We're a duo of arguing cowards but we know what's right! Go ahead and take a big bite out of Urby!" RoyalFanatic said, and cut the ropes with a long, painted nail.

"Hey, I like your nail polish," I said.

"Ya, I know; they're Kratos Purple!" said RoyalFanatic. **Caliban the Wizard Kratos: Character from Tales of Symphonia. Tales of Symphonia: Unnecessarily long video game with a lame name for the main character. I mean, seriously, LLOYD! **

"Now let's run the heck outta here!" I yelled.

"Amen to that!" the duo yelled, and ran for their lives. Urby was hot on our tails.

"DIE!" she yelled.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" We screamed. Just as we were running toward the mansion, a huge explosion was heard.

"EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ROY'S COOKING ESCAPED FROM CAPTIVITY!" Marth yelled.

"What? I thought that stuff never gets out!" I yelled back.

"Some idiots set off a huge explosion that destroyed half the mansion!" Marth said.

"That's preposterous! The cage on Roy's cooking can withstand direct heat from the sun!"

"EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Blazing Fool yelled.

"What is it now?" I asked.

"CALIBAN'S COOKING IS ON THE LOOSE!"

"You have a companion that can't cook either?" Marth asked.

"Yup. My boss can't cook at all. Her steaks are green, her juice has mushrooms in it, and her soup is banned by the government for biohazard warnings," Blazing Fool said.

"Roy's the same," Marth said. They both nodded.

"Uh guys, why is there a gigantic, evil looking steak staring at us? And why is it green?" Keba asked, the aura of doom showing plain as day on her face. A huge, walking steak advanced slowly.

"It's the horror known as Roy's cooking!" Marth said "He added what he called a secret rub and never told us the ingredients! It has a mind of its own now!"

"What did he put in there? Gym socks!" RoyalFanatic snapped.

"And why is there a rampaging lady not too far away!" Marth asked "You know having 'lady' and 'rampage' in the same sentence is never healthy!"

"That's the thing," I said.

"EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Kirby screamed.

"What now? Today can't get much worse as is!" I screeched.

"A big old rolling boulder is going to crush us all in approximately thirty seconds!" Kirby freaked.

"SOMEONE CALL THE ARMY!" Marth yelled.

"SOMEONE CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD!" I screamed.

"SOMEONE CALL MY MOMMY!" Blazing Fool yelled.

**Caliban: SOMEONE CALL MY SCIENCE TEACHER! What? He always knows what to do. **

Finally, the giant steak, Urby, and the big old rolling boulder all caught up with us

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" they all screamed their heads off, including Demon of the Black Fire, who had previously been forgotten.

"Guys, this is my entire fault! I just wanted some sugar, so I tried to escape! If I'd known the Hands would call these lunatics, I'd have never done it!" I yelled.

The steak got there first.

"AH! WHO SPAWNED THIS FOUL, EVIL CREATURE!" Blazing Fool screamed.

"Hey, there's sugar on that thing! Yum…" I said. I ate the whole steak.

"EW! There's ROSEMARY in the sauce! OH THE HORROR! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THE HORRIBLE BURNING IN MY MOUTH STOP!" I screamed, and crumpled down on the floor.

Urby came next.

"Don't die yet, you stupid name-screwing-up-freak! I'm not done with you!" I took a rock and smacked it over my head. Hard.

"What did you do that for, you idiot!" Blazing Fool asked.

"I was hoping that would kill me faster," I replied.

"Time to end this!" Urby yelled.

Xiao Darkcloud apparently decided to be brave and used her spare grappling hook on Urby.

"Wow. That was actually pretty brave, Xiao," said Blazing Fool. Xiao blushed.

"Jeez. Make me blush, why don't you! Just disarm her already before the shock wears off," said Xiao.

"Can do," Blazing Fool replied, and knocked the gun out of Urby's hand with the tip of his flamethrower.

The big, old rolling boulder came last to stop my celebrating.

"AAAAAAAAHHH!" Marth yelled.

"This is the dumbest way to die. I mean, come on! A big old rolling boulder crushing us?" Xiao said.

"We must use the strongest weapon in our arsenal!" Blazing Fool said.

"What would that be?" I asked.

"Just dodge to the side when I say so," he replied.

"HELLO! IT'S A BIG OLD ROLLING BOULDER, EMPHASIS ON THE BIG PART!" Xiao screeched. He didn't reply, but just burned the ropes off Urby without actually burning her.

"Are you crazy? I spent the last four pages running AWAY from her!" I yelled.

"Just dodge NOW!" he yelled. We all dodged to the left, meaning me, Blazing Fool, Elfbrat, RoyalFanatic, Keba, Xiao Darkcloud, and Demon of the Black Fire, leaving Urby quite alone with the boulder.

"DESTRUCTION!" she yelled, and kicked the boulder so it landed on the already-demolished side of the mansion.

**Now with Totallystrange and Doubledude. **

Totallystrange and doubledude were busy having a blast, destroying what was left the already destroyed side of the mansion.

"Hey, Totallystrange," doubledude said. Totallystrange fired off another round, destroying a nearly destroyed wall.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Why is there a big old falling boulder right above us?" doubledude asked. Totallystrange had a split second to fire off another round at the big old falling boulder before it crushed them.

Demon of the Black Fire came over.

"Thank goodness you didn't get crushed by that big old falling boulder. That would have been a horribly clichéd death," she said.

"Yeah, and…?" doubledude asked.

"You guys are hereby kicked off the mission of malicious destruction. Now get out of here!" she snapped.

"But why? I was just getting to the fun part!" Totallystrange snapped back. Doubledude fired off his dual-guns at Demon of the Black Fire.

"Yeah!" he agreed.

"You've had enough fun causing the explosion that blew up half the mansion! Now MOVE!" she snapped, taking out a whip and cracking it menacingly. The destructive duo grudgingly left the building, but not before Totallystrange fired a goodbye round that destroyed a whole wall. There was another TV there, with HyperMew on.

"This is HyperMew the hyper kitty, here live at the Smash Mansion, where SSBECF was been destroying pretty much everything in sight. Worse still, no one can seem to find resident loudmouth Falco Lombardi has been missing. His companion Fox McCloud has this to say!"

"Although he's an annoying, dangerously competitive loudmouth, Falco's my companion, and he needs to come home."

"Okay, so if you see an annoying bird that looks like this…" HyperMew paused and a picture of Falco being arrested was shown "…please call to 666-777-888 extension 555 to let us know where he is! Come on people! He's too annoying for any other part of the world!"

"You know, I wish they'd bring back Mew the Psychic Kitty. She's a lot nicer," doubledude said.

"I don't know…she's not THAT bad," Totallystrange said.

"Yes she is."

"No."

"Yes."

"NO!"

Annoyed, Totallystrange fired a round at doubledude.

"AAAAAAHHH! PSYCHO ON THE LOOOSE!" doubledude screamed, and began running, Totallystrange hot on his heels.

**Now Back with Yoshi. **

"Ugh…I HATE rosemary! It was never meant to go in food!" I groaned.

"I don't know. I kind of like rosemary," said Blazing Fool.

"DESTRUCTION!" Urby yelled.

"Yeah, yeah, we get the-"

"EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" doubledude screamed.

"It's getting sad how many times we're hearing that," Elfbrat said, who had previously been forgotten.

"We don't care what we're running from, WE'RE GETTING THE HECK OUTTA HERE!" RoyalFanatic screeched. She decided to be the hero, and grabbed Keba and Xiao Darkcloud, and began running as fast as her legs would carry her.

"HEY! Come back here! We're not done here until the mansion is destroyed-uh….I mean until Yoshi is captured!" Urby yelled, and chased after them.

"What are we doing standing here? LET'S GO BE COWARDS AND RUN FOR IT!" I yelled.

"NO! That only makes Totallystrange madder! Duck low and hope he misses!" doubledude cowered with fear.

"Doubledude, that's a horrible idea! What did you say to get him mad in the first place! You know he normally has a clear head that keeps him from rampaging!" Blazing Fool snapped.

"Who cares? I SAY WE RUN!" And run we did. The only ones left were me, Blazing Fool, and Elfbrat. And the only direction to run was into the mansion, with stray ammunition firing every which way. A huge explosion occurred, which destroyed what was left of the mansion and even sent a few people flying.

When the smoke cleared, the only person left standing was Demon of the Black Fire.

"This is stupid! You're all fired! In fact, I'm calling over Boss!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped, taking out her cell phone and dialling her boss's number.

"Oh no you're not," Blazing Fool said, taking out his flamethrower. Demon of the Black Fire cracked her whip threateningly.

"Take another step, Blazing Fool, and you're toast," she snapped. She snatched Blazing Fool's flamethrower with her whip and tossed it as far as she could. Blazing Fool ran after it.

"You evil lady! Blazing Fool loves his flamethrower. I'm taking you out!" Elfbrat raved. She took out a grappling hook, the fight of a life time about to happen when…Demon of the Black Fire's boss picked up on the other line.

"Man, when I find out who's calling me in the middle of the greatest steak in the world, I'll-"

"Boss, put down your steak. These…these idiots have destroyed Smash Mansion! Come over here and give them a piece of your mind!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped.

"Fine. But I'd better not see that you fools destroyed the whole mansion just because the mansion ran out of sugar and someone brave tried to leave," the boss said, and hung up.

"Well, I don't care! I'm going to follow Urby's orders and I'm going to capture you!" Demon of the Black Fire growled.

"Let's make it a clean fight," I said. Demon of the Black Fire took out her whip. I threw sand in her eyes and ran for my life.

Unfortunately, Totallystrange survived his run-in with the mansion and teamed up with Urby to destroy.

"DESTRUCTION!" they both yelled, and they were heading right for me.

"DESTRUCTION!" Demon of the Black Fire yelled, and she was heading for me.

"MY FLAMETHROWER!" Blazing Fool yelled, and he was heading right for me too.

"IT'S OVER!" Keba, RoyalFanatic, and Xiao Darkcloud yelled, and they were heading right for me as well.

"SALVATION!" I yelled, and it seemed like all was lost when…

"Ta-da! Caliban to the rescue!" someone yelled, as they swung down on a grappling hook that was hanging onto a tree not too far away. They grabbed me.

"YOU SAVED ME!" I yelled.

"I don't have a choice, actually. Every time I deploy these idiots they manage to destroy everything in sight," she said.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Caliban the Boss of SSBECF. But my friends call me Caliban the Wizard," she said.

"Why'd you do it?" I asked.

"I heard about it in a review. Someone was always wondering why I don't come in to save the day or something like that. I'm always against self-inserts, but hey. Every author does it at least once. Believe me when I say you'd never catch me risking my own neck in real life. Oh, here's your stop," Caliban said, and dropped me into Master Hand's office. She later forgot to jump off as well and smacked face first into a tree.

"Ow…I'm never saving the day again…"

The SSBECF was standing underneath the tree, to catch their boss.

"Guys, it's time to go. Demon of the Black Fire, go call a chopper. We're getting out of here. Oh, and ask for the mansion repair bills later," Caliban said. And so they left.

"This is HyperMew with a breaking news report! Samus Aran has saved us all from a horrible Metroid invasion! Someone give that girl a medal or something, because she rules!"

**Three Hours Later…**

"So that's the whole story," Yoshi said.

"You mean to tell me Caliban ACTUALLY came!" Master Hand asked.

"Yup," Yoshi replied.

"And we ACTUALLY ran out of sugar!" Crazy Hand asked.

"True," Yoshi agreed.

"Well, considering the rosemary incident, that's punishment enough. All you have to do now is sign a contract stating you'll never go AWOL again," Crazy Hand said.

"Do I have to?" he asked.

"Yes," Master Hand said.

"But how did this office survive the blast anyways?" Yoshi asked.

"It's underground. You honestly think we're stupid enough to let our offices get blown up?" Crazy Hand asked.

"…yeah, actually," Yoshi replied.

"That's it. Turn off the Yo-Translator. After you sign that contract, you're out of here and helping with the rebuilding of the mansion," Master Hand snapped.

Yoshi simply sighed.

_**Author's Notes: Wow! Longest Chapter to date! Was it an excuse to get all the kind reviewers in there? Maybe? Was it an excuse to get ME in there? Probably not. I don't know, I remember having a review where someone said they were expecting me to come in and save the day. And so I did. Here's hoping you people liked it! And by the way, they all went back home in the end, ALL of them, even Elfbrat and RoyalFanatic and Blazing Fool…**_

**Reviews: **

**Yeah, here's the list. **

Tweedlehat: Link

Tweedlecap: Young Link

Alexander Graham Bell: Mister Game and Watch

Mysterious Plumber 'M': Mario

Long: Peach

Butterball Baboon: Donkey Kong

The racing veteran Russell Crow: Captain Falcon

Hitler Kitty: Mewtwo

Blue Pansy: Marth

Fire-Addict Rex: Roy

Dr. Quakensteiner: Dr. Mario

Pink Lady: Zelda

Scary Grey Child: Sheik

Shocker: Pikachu

Zap: Pichu

Uni-brow Man: Ganondorf. His eyebrows go into his sideburns!

Spiked Binky: Bowser

Green Nightmare: I got SO many people with this! Luigi!

Eskimo Lad: Popo

Frosty the Snow Girl: Nana

Crazy/murderous: Samus

Bubble gum: Kirby

Swirl head: Jigglypuff

Scary Chicken wannabe: Falco

Eyeliner Foxy: Fox

And Yoshi was busy being pursued by the Super Smash Brothers Escapee Control Faction. Now for the reviews!

**Reviews: **

**Urby: **

**You got the whole list right, so you became the team commander! That's right. Urby won the contest, she's at the top of the totem pole, if you want a bigger part, complain. **

**Yeah, as commander you're the best fighter, 'cause your aim rules, you're really good with a grappling hook, and you generally kick butt even without weapons. Unfortunately, you've got a thing about the name…**

**Totallystrange: **

**You poor, poor soul. Having to get up a six o'clock every morning! You're list was more or less right. You were the victim of the Green Nightmare thing! But you were fun to write about…and your machine gun almost never misses. This is why you're second in command with Blazing Fool! **

**You've got Demon of the Black Fire on your butt constantly for not wearing a uniform, but you don't care anyways. You're also the youngest operative at SSBECF. **

**Elfbrat18: **

**Again, I got ya! Ah…I got so many people with the Green Nightmare thing… But you were cool. If you think I forgot about you somewhere in the chapter, complain and the next time SSBECF show up, I'll give you a bigger part. **

**You're the new girl, but so what? You kick serious butt, and have been known to cause mayhem with Blazing Fool. Lean, mean fighting machine, that's you. You have a gun and a grappling hook, but you're not into the whole killing thing so you don't use your gun too often. Did I forget to mention its paintball bullets in there? You don't think I'd make it so you can KILL people with the guns, do you? **

**Blazing Fool: **

**Possibly the only sensible person on the whole team, and you love your flamethrower. I couldn't help it. I love the puns…Your list was accurate. YAY! You're second in command with Totallystrange, you come up with the game plans, and if Urby is ever ill you take over 'because your clear head and leadership skills are second to none. **

**You spelled the word 'doujinshi' right, and let me tell you that you DON'T want to get involved. It's when people write their own version of a manga or whatever, like if you want more Inuyasha or anything like that some people draw it and stuff. Unfortunately, there are some REALLY dirty stuff out there…**

**Ah…this is why Newgrounds is BANNED in my home. The only violence ever approved had better not be gory or anything like that, because it screws around with heads. **

**Doubledude: **

**VERY ACCURATE LIST! Unfortunately, I already had the idea for the chapter in my head when you came up with this amazing list. Maybe that's why I took so long with the chapter. While it only took a day or two to write, since I'm a fast typer, I just wanted to wait and see all the people who entered lists to be fair. **

**By the way, I checked out your profile, and we've got some very similar tastes. I LOVE KING K. ROOL! He's HILARIOUS! He makes me laugh…**

**On the team, you're Xiao Darkcloud's partner, and with your dual-guns no one tries to mess with you, your head, your partner, your family, your pudding…**

**Xiao Darkcloud: **

**Perhaps a little evil, but a brave and strong gal nonetheless. On the team, you're third in command being the strongest next to Elfbrat. **

**Accurate list, very accurate in fact. But again, I got people with the little Green Nightmare thing. I expect you people to complain about that, since I was EVIL and made that one too hard. **

**Keba: **

**Did you even send in a list? NO! Then why are you in my chapter? BECAUSE IT WAS FUN! No list, so you were at the bottom of the totem with RoyalFanatic, always getting into silly fights, even though you had solid fighting skills. **

**Anyways, methinks you DID send in a list. I just forgot since my other Chapter Six reviews have mysteriously disappeared…**

**Ri2: **

**I'm mad as well. I WANT TWILIGHT PRINCESS! Yup, it was strange. But Keba said she liked the war on pudding! **

**RoyalFanatic: **

**Also known as Cecilia Aurion. Yes, you are related to Kratos, yes I've beaten the game before, and yes, I LOVE KRATOS! Maybe you aren't a girly girl her paints her nails and grows them and whatnot. Whatever. All we know is that you're a good fighter who's unfortunately getting into too many fights with Keba. **

**I had fun with that, definitely. You and Keba are Xiao Darkcloud's subordinates, although you rarely listen to her and think of her more as a companion than anything else. **

**Demon of the Black Fire: **

**Why are you at the bottom of the list? How come you didn't have a bigger part? Why did you get such a lame-o part being the hot secretary running everything at SSBECF? How come I'm asking you all this! **

**Yup, you're the brains behind the brawn at the SSBECF. In fact, if they didn't have you to nag them, no one would ever get the job done. When you're not running everywhere doing everything, or complaining about having such a short skirt in your uniform, you're out there fighting with you whip. Pretty cool huh? If you were as good a fighter as Urby, you'd be a higher rank but for now you're somewhere in between first and second in command for your accurate list. **

_**Okay, time to go. This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out. **_


	8. Samus Saves the Day!

**Caliban's Stuff: **

**Hmm…I really can't call this 'Reviews' now, can I? Anyways, this WILL be a Samus chapter. Come on people, you saw that a Samus chapter was just WAITING to pop out. So here it is. It begins with a professor shockingly like Dr. E. Gadd. I just can't help myself sometimes. **

**Dear Fanfiction Administration: I bet you love all the attention I give you, huh? It's all because I don't want you to can my keyboard for answering reviews! **

**Disclaimer: Can you believe how rude that Shigeru Miyamoto is? He threw me out of his office! So I still don't own Super Smash Bros. **

_**Samus Saves the Day!**_

"Welcome, young heroine. I am Professor Peppy K. Ankylosaurus, the world's foremost expert on odd weather," said a short, stubby-looking man in an ironed lab coat, with huge, telescope-like glasses and a bushy moustache.

"Hey…aren't you that guy who were arrested by the SSBECF for parking weather-machines in no-parking zones?" I asked.

"Uh…NO! You must have me mistaken for the guy who runs the moon-viewing pavilion in Termina," the man said, wiping the sweat off his forehead with a pink lacy handkerchief. "Anyways, there have been anomalies falling from the sky, endangering humans and generally running amok. I'd like you to take a look through my telescope and see what you recognize from the creatures."

I shrugged and took a look from the telescope.

"Hmm…all clear," I thought "Wait, what was that? A shooting star?" I zoomed the lenses. "It's a Metroid! But what are they doing here? I thought I cleared the last of them at Brinstar…"

"Professor, you have a surveillance satellite, don't you? Go check the air space at 75 degrees," I said. The professor stared at me for a moment, and then went over to his computer, typing furiously.

"An alien space ship…" I remarked.

"But it's retreating?" the professor asked.

"Probably the invasion is a pre-emptive strike. They're establishing a safe-point for the next time they invade," I replied.

"I see. Then it's up to you, Samus Aran, to save the world-no, the galaxy, from a Metroid infestation! You've done it once before. I have complete and total faith in you. But just in case…." Professor Peppy began. He walked over to a cabinet and opened it.

"An upgraded suit and weapons. You also have a rapid-fire capability on your Charge Shot, but use it wisely. It has a limitation," Professor Peppy said.

"How much?" I asked.

"Your imagination! BWA HA!" he laughed.

"Okay there…" I muttered.

**Out in the battlefield…**

"Alright, Samus. The grid coordinates have been plotted. Your job is to obliterate the Metroids as they fall, because should they touch soil, they'll quickly seek and subsume a host. We can't let that happen," Professor Peppy said.

"Understood," I replied into the communicator on my shot gun.

"Please keep in mind that we only seek to destroy a hundred. After that, it's the military's job to destroy the alien ship when it comes back," Professor Peppy said. I nodded and turned off the communicator.

I began surveying the area with the camera lance Professor Peppy gave me.

"Hmm…so far my readings show no Metroids to speak of," the professor observed. But he jinxed us, so to speak. A downpour of Metroids came rocketing down, each engulfed in flames. I charged my shot gun and found a fully-formed Charge Shot shooting down three Metroids at once, obliterating them.

"Wow, this thing really works. Let's see what else he packed," I wondered. Five Metroids went along for the ride. I jumped up and dropped a bomb. It blew them all up.

Unfortunately, the mother load landed on the planet, and those infernal one-time use Charge Shots weren't doing much for the citizens. Some of them even resorted to using weapons of their own, like an old lady doing a pretty good job with her purse.

"Get it, Blazing Fool!" a lady in a cool mercenary outfit yelled.

"I'm trying, Urby!" he replied.

"This is your stupid fault, wanting to go out to eat!" Urby snapped.

"Yeah, I'll bet we'll really have fun with boss's cooking," Blazing Fool replied. I sighed and threw missiles at the Metroid on the ground in front the duo.

"Come on…let's go out and get noodles. Xiao is going to freak if we leave out the crab like last time," Blazing Fool sighed, and dragged Urby by the collar.

"B-BUT I'M ALLERGIC TO CRAB!" Urby snapped

"Boohoo. I'm allergic to your face, but you don't see me crying about it," Blazing Fool laughed. I was THIS close to accidentally shooting him down when I was aiming for a Metroid high up in the clouds. Yeah, that's how high he was knocked into the air.

"I'll get the ramen myself, idiot! And it'll be CRAB-FREE!" the lady yelled, and continued on her way. I sweat-dropped, and shot a Metroid following Urby.

**Thirty Metroids later…**

I soon realized these Metroids were getting sneaky. They hid in the most ridiculous places: behind plants, in waiting rooms, disguised as ice cream sundaes, in an old woman's wig, and even where that favourite sock goes. They began getting tenacious, chasing after small children, sumo wrestlers with heart problems.

"So, like, he was all like 'NO WAY!' And I was all like "YES WAY!' And he was all like 'OH MY GOSH!' He's so dreamy…" a girl said. Her friend with the silly pigtails on either side of her head had this whole 'OH MY GOOD GOSH!' look on her face that sadly reminded me of Mewtwo after he'd seen a new Hitler documentary.

**Samus in a rare flashback…**

"Wow…mass deterioration! I NEVER would have thought of that! Excellent!"

"Uh…"

**Another Flashback of People Making Fools of Themselves…**

"Here you go, Roy. The Hands have done it again!" Master Hand said, and produced a….sandwich.

"WOW! Is it one of those subs that people end up eating for like, weeks!" Roy asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet like a monkey child.

"Indeed. After our food bill went up 117, we decided to keep you busy for a little while," Master Hand said.

"I love you," Roy said, and instantly started on the twenty-five foot long sub.

"Uh…"

**Flashback Blow-out! **

"Hey, ladies! We got your shipment of make-up today," Crazy Hand said. A flash of pink and blue rushed over.

"Need….golden…edition of…COCO CHANEL MADAMOISELLE NO. 5!" Peach gasped.

"Must….have….limited run…of…DOLCE GABANNA 'FEMININE'!" Zelda snapped.

"Life…or…death…situation…All…out of…pale pink…OLAY NIGHT CREAM!" Marth choked.

"Okay, okay. You'll get your stuff soon enough. Now, let's see…who ordered the 'Lotus Gardens' set?" he asked. The ladies didn't answer, but just began quietly digging through the crate for their things. Marth wrestled the box set out of Crazy Hand's fist with little difficulty.

"Yikes…that's the worst yet. Shouldn't you be over there getting your stuff? I doubt there will be any left when Marth's through," Link observed. He tried to stuff down a laugh, but failed spectacularly.

"It'll be safer to come back AFTER he's through. I always get the Imari box set, and I know Marth doesn't like Imari. That, and the fact he'll die if he touches my face cream," I said. Link sighed and attempted to get Marth away from the make-up crate, after Peach and Zelda had beaten a hasty retreat.

"Uh…"

**We Love Embarrassing People…**

"Back. BACK YOU ANIMALS!" Popo snapped. The crowd was still gathered around the ice cream truck. Sighing, he took out a pair of safety goggles, and a flamethrower. He turned it up to the 'Nuke All the Lemmings' feature. Some people still didn't give up.

"MAMAMIA! I've-a been waiting all day for my-a ice cream sandwich all day!" Luigi snapped.

"For once, Roy was planning to share his cookies and cream sundae…" Marth said, struggling with Roy on a leash.

"That really is the only way you allowed him anywhere near an ice cream truck, isn't it?" Link asked. Marth just gave him a disgruntled look.

"WE WANT OUR LOW-FAT VANILLA YOGURT!" Peach and Zelda whined.

"BEEP!" Mr. Game and Watch beeped angrily.

"Don't worry people; you'll ALL get your frozen desserts soon enough. Just back away from the ice cream truck," Popo said, now wearing a welding mask. An angry mob formed.

"I WANT MY SALSA SURPRISE!" Bowser yelled.

"MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP NOW!" Link and his Mini-Me yelled.

"America Pops!" Captain Falcon snapped. They all gathered around the ice cream truck and began shaking it. Roy was doing most all the work even if he was leashed by Marth, who was holding back with all his might. Dr. Mario evaded being crushed when they finally DID tip the truck over.

"Those…BARBARIANS!" Dr. Mario gasped. I shoved his head down and simultaneously ducked when Pop went berserk with his flamethrower.

"He's going to hurt someone with that!" Dr. Mario snapped. He grabbed the flamethrower and chucked it into the far reaches of the galaxy. It fell into a boy's hands.

"COOL! Now I can finally call myself Blazing Fool!"

They watched the Smashers jump up and down on the ice cream truck until popsicles came out.

"Let's get out of here!" Dr. Mario yelled. He tucked me underneath his arm and ran for it.

"Uh…"

**End of Flash-Backs…**

"Yikes…" I just zoned out there. Time to go and do my job." The communicator buzzed on.

"Samus…Samus, can you hear me? Samus?"

"I'm here professor."

"It turns out the Metroids have brought in reinforcements. They've swarmed the Smash Town. Now, what I'm about to tell you is VERY important. You CANNOT afford to lose this particular piece of information, or all is lost!" Unfortunately, at that very moment a huge wave of interference decided to pay the communicator a visit. The com buzzed and crackled, and died with a puff of smoke, and I was forced to jettison it.

I didn't notice Professor Ankylosaurus, in a much panicked voice say: THIS IS OUR ONLY HOPE OF SURVIVAL!

**Twenty-two Metroids later….**

They were EVERWHERE now, crawling around, shocking people. The worst part was that most of them had already attained hosts. Worst was when they got into that angry chick from before. She was the one hurting the most, shooting anyone that came in her way.

And there were so many distractions! I saved more people than I could count, including two ladies trapped underneath rock on the Smash Estate.

"DESTRUCTION!"

The Metroids were well spread out. But that's when it happened. A Metroid decided to be brave, and crawled into my suit. I yanked it out of my briefs.

"…" I saw red.

"DESTRUCTION!"

I took my rapid-fire, and fired. And fired. And fired. And fired. And fired again. And fired some more. And fired so much the only color visible was plasma blue. I'm sure I hit a few civilians, but I didn't care. Eventually people realized the Charge Shot wasn't meant for rapid-fire use, as the tank ran out of juice and sizzled.

But that didn't matter. There were so many explosions from my bombs, the people shopping became smart and decided to quarantine the mall. Of course, soon all my weapons were used up, even my Ice Beam, from the way I rampaged.

The Metroids began swarming. They completely engulfed me, so tightly, so completely I couldn't even breathe. But I was so darn MAD; I just punched and kicked my way out, and lost my mind.

"DESTRUCTION!"

Now the REAL destruction came. I began tearing up cement, ripping ATMs apart, smashing windows and creating a real ruckus. Some people even fired their one-time use Charge Shots on ME, but they just bounced off my upgraded suit. In about three minutes, all the Metroids were gone, and the town was destroyed. I'd somehow ended up on a hill all the way on the outskirts of town, when the grand-daddy of all Metroids burst out from underneath me.

Now, all Metroids are sneaky. They are smart. They are fast. They hurt if you touch them. This Metroid was brave. It was super smart, and it was so strong every step it took split the ground in two.

I did the best I could. I was way faster, but unfortunately that was my only advantage. One of its tentacles skimmed me, and it tore right through the new suit like a hot knife through butter. I felt the blood seep out the sparking crack in my suit.

"Ugh…"

I began dodging more and more, those tentacles breaking through trees without much effort at all. However, it dealt a direct hit to my torso.

"OW!"

After that, it was pretty much having fun batting me around like a cat would a ball of yarn.

"Darn…it's toying with me…" But I couldn't even open my eyes when it finally stopped hitting me. I lay on the ground limp, struggling to breathe. After a lot of work, I managed to open my eyes, and saw something odd on my visor screen.

"What does that say? 'S.M.A.C.K. Battle Shot Activated. Shots: Two. Inventory: Two. Consistency: 225. Conditions: 18 degrees. Air Quality: 76. Axis: 45 degrees. Preparing to fire. Enter Code 673821.'" A small keyboard came out of my breastplate.

"What did that nut Ankylosaurus do to my suit! But I don't have a choice now do I?" I typed in the code. A new shot gun barrel replaced the burnt-out rapid-fire one, as a precision decode was placed onto my visor. I aimed directly for the Metroid's nucleus, and fired. It tore right through the Metroid, splattering it everywhere, which eventually faded away with the Metroid.

The print on my visor faded, as everything in my suit retracted. With much difficulty, I managed to stand, and instantly leaned against a tree.

"Toughie…"

Professor Peppy ran over to hill, doing a little jig with those stubby feet.

"Yee-hee! Ha-ha! We won, we won, we won, WE WON! Yee-hee. Ha-ha! YAHOO!" he said, still doing his little jig.

"Oh…okay there…" I said. Professor, still doing his jig, said "Samus, the Metroids have retreated, and with the absence of their ring leader, let's just say they won't be coming back. KUDOS!"

"Yeah, great. But what did you do to my suit! It went all freaky and this and that…and why did the Metroids invade in the first place?"

"I…added a few adjustments. But don't get too comfortable. You've gone and ruined my beautiful suit. I'll need to take it in for repairs."

I sighed, and took off the suit, revealing my old one.

"And the Metroids?" I asked.

"Heh, well…I was experimenting with my new laser glasses. They were so powerful they shot through the stratosphere and apparently hit a Metroid ship. But don't worry! Because I endangered the lives of millions by angering the Metroids, and you destroyed the Smash Estates, we'll be doing community service together!"

"WHAT!"

"Indeed! The next time the world is in danger, we have to clean it up! Now, let's return to my windmill-residence-laboratory. I want you to meet my new assistant. He's a delightful fellow from Hyrule, with a terribly cheerful demeanour!" Professor Peppy said, doing another jig. We descended into the destroyed town, the windmill still untouched.

_**Author's Notes: YES, there will be another 'Samus Saves the Day', and YES, Professor Peppy K. Ankylosaurus will be back again to endanger our lives. As for why this chapter's so short…WHAT! I'm like the last person who can see through such a quiet person's eyes. But whatever. I'll be glad if anyone enjoyed this. **_

**Reviews: YEAH! I'm so glad people liked it! **

**Elfbrat18: Yeah, you'll be in another chapter! I'm honoured that you're honoured. The short comment kinda fell in with the 'Elfbrat' thing. Sorry, I'm a sucker for puns. So…your dad is a green nightmare too? My HOUSE is a green nightmare. Everything is green, the carpets, the chairs, the Kleenex boxes…**

**Keba; Of course it's confusing, I'M a confusing person who confuses herself and everyone around her, who put confuse in the dictionary and is the reason why confusion is in Pokemon. Bet I confused you there! **

**YEAH! I'M IN YOUR FAVORITES! This earns a victory dance! **

**Alannah: Stop embarrassing yourself. **

**Uh…whatever. Your review is TOTALLY WICKED COOL, keep it up! **

**Urby: What a review! **

**Alannah: Caliban and her diseased mind brave stormy deadlines to bring you Smashing Days the Super Smashing Way. **

**YEAH! About Tales of Symphonia, have you ever noticed there's this chick in a cat suit STALKING you EVERYWHERE you go! I never talk to her, I'm too scared, but I THINK she has something about clues or whatever. If you know why she's stalking Lloyd and company, please tell! **

**DESTRUCTION! **

**Demon of the Black Fire: I wear skirts. I wear long ones, but if I got the secretary short-skirt thing I'd FLAME! Or worse… **

**Just thinking about fan art for this chapter is KILLING me with the laughs! If anyone of you DOES decide to make some, I'll make a link to it in my profile, and NEVER EVER take that link off. Hoo-hoo…**

**Doubledude; Jeez, like update your profile some time. Priding myself in knowing about my reviewers, I checked each one to find descriptions. Personality, preferred names, even birthdates. And yet you decide not to even put your gender and all that! Even if the dude part makes it clear…**

**Alannah: Stop being such a drama queen! Never take this girl seriously. When she was all mad at Urby 'cause Caliban read a story and reviewed, she was all mock-angry and stuff! She just wants you to put something down, is all. **

**SHUT UP! I'm talking to that annoying girl, not you. So anyways, try and add a little to your profile. JUST A LIITLE, it'll kill me if you don't. We cool? Good. **

**Blazing Fool: Is that song from Ghost Busters or something? Okay, non-copyright infringing version of the Ghost Busters song. IT RULES! Seriously, I LOVE IT, 'because it fits! **

**Yup. You get a flamethrower. You were the kid who got Popo's flamethrower, back in the earlier days of the Smash house, like, JUST when you get all the characters. **

**RoyalFanatic: Jeez, your reviews always bring a smile to my face! How do you do that? Just for the record, I'm hyper too. I couldn't sit long enough to make this chapter a good one. But anyways, this chapter is for you! Uh huh, you said you wanted another one fast. **

**Yoshizilla: Yeah, I put Peppy Ankylosaurus in. Perhaps this'll bring in some more reviews, maybe? I HOPE SO, I tried my best to make him funny, even though I was lazy and didn't make it EXACTLY that character. I hope this doesn't make you too outraged. **


	9. Zelda the Peony!

**Caliban's Chattering: **

**Yep. Halloween. Cheesy TV specials run rampant. Children walking around in silly costumes. Teenagers extorting candy off old people with their frightening stun guns. And a Halloween chapter by yours truly! Heh. Bet you didn't see that coming. **

**Disclaimer: I really liked the tea, Mister Miyamoto! But some Ceylon tea would be nicer. Cheer me on, kind reviewers, as I storm the Nintendo building again! **

**Alannah: Wait, you idiot! Oh man…Tesla, she's dead! **

**Tesla: We have to go in there and save her! She'd do the same for us. **

**Alannah: I've never seen you so determined. **

**Tesla: I want to ask Shigeru Miyamoto when Twilight Princess is coming out. I'm tired of waiting. **

**Readers: So are we, Tesla. So are we. **

_**Zelda's First Halloween! **_

I'm Zelda, of Hyrule, and right now, that is all I plan to say. I'm in a tournament. What kind of tournament you ask? A tennis tournament? A clash of cooking? No. This is a phenomenon. The only test there really is to measure one's fighting spirit. Super Smash Brother Melee.

Heroes from all over gather to fight each other in a wide variety of places, in a wide variety of fighting styles. I came here with my companion Link in hopes of winning the coveted title of 'Best Fighter in the Universe'. When we aren't fighting, we simply relax in Hal Laboratory's specially-designed mansion, the Smash Mansion.

For now, however, the tournament is in a stand-still. Why, do you ask? As you must know, this whole tournament is managed by two mysterious, floating hands. I've long suspected these hands belong to someone by the name of Shigeru Miyamoto, but no one knows for sure. The left hand is Master Hand, a little breath of sophistication amidst all the sadistic fighting. His right is Crazy Hand, well-named for his unpredictable fighting and…Texan accent. They have a big book of rules and regulations which even they adhere to. Once in a blue moon, this rule book called 'The Way to Smash' is updated at the Nintendo building in Tokyo, Japan. So when they're gone, they call off all fighting plans and declare it a free day. This year, it's just our luck that Free Day corresponds with Visitor's Day, as well as what Ness calls 'Halloween'.

Free Day. People do things they never normally would, hence the name, Free Day. For example, Samus walks around the house without her suit, wearing a big old tee over her underwear and spends the day watching sumo with Falco. Ganondorf tries his hand at gardening. Luigi and Mewtwo go into these deep philosophical discussions. I hit the beach with Doctor Mario. Peach goes shopping with Pichu.

But for some strange reason, I've been appointed assistant manager in the Hands' absence, and often take lead, meaning of course I have to make sure people don't end up doing things too over the top. You know of course this is CLEARLY a babysitting job. I have to stop Nana from drinking antifreeze, wake up the grumpy sleepyheads, and worst of all…help the younger ones get dressed. I feel like a nanny whenever Free Day happens, because it usually means everything BUT Free-Day for me.

Visiting Day. Now, this day is a bundle of joy for everyone, even me. I bring my dad over, we spend the day in the spa, relaxing and chatting. Marth brings his girlfriend over, Donkey Kong and his pal Diddy golf, the list goes on. We have a banquet for the guests and then they head home on the Rainbow Cruise. Best of all, the fights are cancelled for that day as well. It's like Free Day only better. Crowding becomes a real problem on this day. The patio is always the first to go. And don't get me started on food. I once went shopping three times on Visiting Day. People pull out all the stops to impress their guests, so you can imagine…

Halloween. This may seem odd, but I've never actually had a Halloween of any sort. The last two times there has been a Halloween celebration I've never been around to celebrate it, be it out shopping, or being locked in the training room. This year, Link is determined to have the best Halloween ever, but this time he wants me there too. He's very determined once you get him going. He even went costume shopping with Peach, just so he could find a good costume for me. And not just him. Most every Smasher is helping out with the costumes and decorations and especially the food.

My job is to make sure the guests have Halloween costumes, name tags, and dinner. Oh, all the Smashers have been working nonstop since yesterday!

I can just tell today will be something.

**Zelda's Halloween in the Smash Mansion…**

I woke up today by sneezing. Yes, it's very unpleasant to sneeze very first thing in the morning. Apparently Peach left me a note.

_**Dear Zelda, **_

_**Pichu and I have gone costume shopping for the guests without you. Don't worry, Pichu is there to help me pick things that aren't pink. Your job now is to greet the guests as they come in, and give them some breakfast. It's already on the table. Don't forget the name tags! **_

_**Sincerely, **_

_**Peach **_

_**P.S. Your breakfast is on the nightstand. Ask Link for details. Cheerio! **_

I crumpled up the letter angrily. That Peach sometimes!

I stared at the tray she left on my nightstand. It was an assortment of fruit arranged to look like a bunny, with a bunny rabbit mug of tea.

"It's so hard to stay mad at her!" I said, gratefully wolfing down breakfast.

I put the empty plate and mug back down, and walked up to my closet.

Now this was a tough decision. I wanted to wear something breathable because today was going to be a lot of work, but…I wanted to wear something nice for my father coming in today.

I opened the closet and found nothing but my usual dresses, all made of one hundred percent shiny polyester.

"I suppose Peach wouldn't mind my borrowing a few dresses…" I opened the closet, and instantly, a white cotton sundress with a pink bow on the back fell out. The bow was designed to look like a peony, and it a note pinned onto it.

_Dear Zelda, _

_Wow. We talk more in notes than we do in real life. This is a dress, it's for you, and it also doubles as a Halloween costume until further notice. If anyone asks who you're dressed as, say 'Peony'. Bye now. Tee hee. _

_-Peach. _

"She's more prepared than I am! Jeez. I need out of this room," I thought, quickly slipped the dress over my head, and dashed out.

Unfortunately, I had a knack that day of whacking into things. This was the whack that started it all.

WHACK!

"Ow…" I groaned. I looked up.

"Oh. Link. Wow, you've really gotten taller," I observed.

"It's the stilts. I'm actually Young Link," said Young Link.

"Is this part of your costume?" I asked.

"No. I'm using them to pick up Saria. She's going to fall from the sky today," Young Link said "My costume is Spongebob. I still can't get his laugh down though, and it's making me mad!" Young Link stilted off, grumbling about Tom Kenny's rare vocal cords.

I sighed, and whacked into someone again. This time it was Mario.

"MAMAMIA! Peach, since when did you come back?" Mario gasped.

"I'm not Peach. I'm Zelda. It's the dress," I replied.

"Is it your costume? Wow, great-a job! You look just-a like that little girl from Cardcaptor Sakura! Now all you need is the little pig tails!" he said.

"Uh…actually, I'm Peony!" I said, smiling my brightest.

"From where? Ah well, maybe Marth knows who Peony is! Anyways, I'm going as Fred Flintstone this Halloween!" he said, puffing out his chest and look heroic.

"I think it'll work! Now, I have to go greet the guests. Bye now," I said, and zoomed down the stairs.

I whacked into yet another person. This time it was Dr. Mario.

"Hey, Zelda. What's-a the big rush? We're supposed to hit the beach-a! I bought some pistachio gelato and some of that tropical punch we always drink!" he said.

"Sorry, not right now, doc. I have to greet the guests. I'll go a little later. If you manage to keep the antifreeze away from Nana I'll treat you a free coconut smoothie at the beach in the afternoon! My dad's coming over for the morning and-"

"Understood. I'll even keep Kirby out of the toilet bowl cleaner as a plus, if you upgrade the smoothie to a non-alcoholic pina colada," I nodded, and with that Dr. Mario left.

I rushed to the door, the guests were going to be in any second now! And…I whacked into yet another person. And it was Link, finally.

"HI Zelda! What's shaking?" he asked cheerfully.

"W-what are you _wearing_?" I asked, bewildered.

"I'm going as the red-head Yunsung from Soul Caliber. And he's going as me. In fact, he's my guest today! And here he comes. You better answer that door," Link said, and then walked off calmly, leaving me alone with a basket full of nametags and a doorstep of anxious visitors.

With all the cheerfulness I could muster, I opened the door. Oh! How I hated being dumped with the cheerful hostess job!

"Hello! Welcome to the Smash Mansion, address 411 in the Smash Estates, in case anyone was wondering! As honored guests you get a cool nametag and your choice of a costume, if you wish to stay the night! However, those won't be arriving until five in the afternoon, so until then feel free to explore the grounds! And for guests here for the day, I trust you to all have a fantastic time as you spend time with well-loved companions. Take your name tag as you enter and please try and keep it on unless you want to introduce yourself twenty five times. Thank you," I said. I held out the basket as people swarmed in.

"Hey! I know you. You're Link's friend right? Zelda, was it?" someone with red hair asked. That must have been Yunsung.

"That's me. Wow. You pulled off Link's costume well," I commented.

"Yeah. He's a cosplayer's dream, that guy. The hardest part was the gauntlets. So, who are you? Wait…let me guess. Tohru from Fruits Basket, right? You're just missing the little ribbons…" he commented.

"I'm Peony, actually. Well, take a nametag and enjoy yourself! There's a sumo match on right now. The living room is right there," I said, pointing. Yunsung wasted no time rushing there with a 'GO VICIOUS VENUSAUR!' tee and a drink hat.

People kept on accepting nametags.

"Yeah, uh…do you know where Marth's room is? I'm his girlfriend, Sheeda," a girl said.

"Yeah. It's fourth door on the left. Enjoy your stay," I said.

"By the way, I like your costume. Like mine?" she asked.

"If you were going for Kaname Chidori from Full Metal Panic, you did a good job!" I said. She bowed in thanks and ran upstairs.

More people entered the foyer, commenting on my pretty dress and other such terribly unoriginal comments.

But one comment stuck out.

"What a lovely dress young lady-Zelda?" I turned my head and my smile became three thousand times brighter.

"Father!" I said, giving him a big hug.

"I'm happy to see you too, Zelda. That really is a lovely dress. Would you mind if I waited in the foyer until you are finished greeting the guests?" he asked.

"That would be excellent! They've added a mineral water Jacuzzi to the spa. It's a must," I replied, and turned back to the guest, who shook my hand, grabbed his name tag and left to look for Fox.

Everything was going great. There was only one name tag left, which I hadn't bothered to check.

Someone burst into the room with such an intensity I nearly cowered in fear.

"W-welcome to Smash Mansion! H-how may I help you?" I asked.

"You look like…Annabelle…" he muttered.

"Excuse me sir?" I asked, still 'jittery as all get-out' as Crazy hand might have said. He was wearing a hat with a very wide brim, and a poncho, and…guns in holsters on both hips. That must have been his costume. Well, he took off his hat, and said in a clear voice:

"You look like my nanny Annabelle. You're just missing the two braids." It turned out to be a kid, no more than seven, who unfortunately was as big as a telephone pole.

"My costume is actually Peony. Aren't you…big?" I asked nervously, hoping for an explanation.

"I know. I wished myself big, and now, every time I talk, I grow some more. That's why I was just big before, and now I'm a giant. Oh DEAR!" he squealed, as he grew some more. "I've shot through the roof! You don't have something that will make me small, do you?" he asked, growing so big his head really shot through the roof.

"Unfortunately, I don't. But why don't you just wish yourself smaller again? I'll even help you!" I replied, smiling.

"Are you a wishing peony? I remember at my garden back home, Annabelle called the peony in the garden a wishing peony," the child said, bending down.

"Yes. I'm a…wishing peony. Now just wish yourself small," I said.

"I have to be holding you. That's what made me big in the first place," he said. I sighed, and hopped into his lower hand. He closed his eyes and POOF! He was small again. And…shrinking. I stepped away from him before he was shrunk into oblivion.

"Oh no! Oh no! What will Annabelle say when I come back tiny?" he asked, hopping up and down.

"You had better stay with me until I find a way to turn you back," I said, and dropped him onto my shoulder.

"My nametag!" he cried. I picked out the last one, which read 'Fabio' in big bold letters on it, and carefully pinned it to the strap on my shoulder, where Fabio had unfortunately fallen asleep.

My father was waiting in a corner, reading a graphic novel when I came back.

"Oh. Where did that big fellow run off to?" he asked, slipping the comic book into his storage place underneath his shirt.

"He's right here. On my shoulder," I said, pointing to Fabio, who woke up. My father peered at him.

"My goodness. You've certainly shrunk," he observed. Fabio stretched his arms.

"Yes. I'm sure you can relate. I hear old people get tiny as they age," he said, yawning.

"Well, I'm going to be okay. But you're still a boy. You must return to normal size sooner or later. Puberty isn't going to be for a while," Father said.

"You're right!" Fabio said, suddenly inspired "I don't want to be the size of a cockroach my whole life! I'll get stepped on! And then I'll never finish that steak they sell at Montana's Steak Hut!" My father took Fabio off my shoulder, and began heading for the library.

"There goes a day at the spa…" I groaned. Dr. Mario mysteriously appeared from the hallway, holding that bucket of pistachio gelato.

"Let's hit the beach!" he cheered.

"But first I need to-"

"Lunch has been taken care of, the kitchen is clean, all chemicals have been placed in the vault, and everyone has woken up. Peach is back with costumes so you don't need to worry about the guests." And with that, he dragged me off to the Smash Beach.

Considering it was Halloween, the beach should have been cold and rainy. It SHOULD have been, and yet it the pavement was scorching hot. I felt I was melting even in my nice, breathable sundress. And Dr. Mario was enjoying an ice cold smoothie with much enthusiasm. It was that hot. And we were ten feet from the mansion, too! Yes, we have our own beach.

Suddenly, the ground began shaking violently, as well as the mansion. A loud 'AAAAAAAH!' was heard after a large bang.

Yes, sometimes some very strange things happen in the mansion.

"Oh dear. I'll have to come back to you, Doc. Something's gone wrong in the mansion," I gasped, and rushed inside.

There was chaos in the mansion. People were fighting in the hallways. The kitchens were mauled. Toilet paper was thrown onto the ceilings as though they were streamers. There were DK-shaped holes in successive walls, leading me to think perhaps he'd been whacked straight through the lot of them. No wonder. People were running around with weapons so dangerous, the only people certified to use them were the SSBECF and the Smashers. Speaking of Smashers, most able-bodied Smashers were lying defeated on the sullied carpeting. Marth and Roy had gotten into another fight which REALLY destroyed things.

Someone threw Nana in a cage, who was currently crying softly from WAY up somewhere. Popo was hanging precariously from a chandelier with only a rope to save him from an unpleasant death. Link and Yunsung, for some reason, were tied up in the middle of the living room, yelling and screaming through their gags. For some reason or another, the foyer had a little bonfire in it, where all the guests were singing campfire songs and playing Truth or Dare.

Worse still, someone had gotten into everyone's closets and currently all MY clothing, as well as everyone else's belongings were thrown about. What almost made me cry was that someone was using my favorite pink dress as a napkin to wipe barbeque sauce off.

Oh, and someone stole Samus' tee so now she was turning the place upside down for her suit.

If only you could have seen my face. I would have looked like my soul had been murdered right within me, just in the rage and bitterness.

"ALL OF YOU ARE DEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU WON'T JUST SEE STARS, YOU'LL SEE A WHOLE DARN UNIVERSE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

It was like time stopped. The fear on people's faces was plain as day. I could see Yunsung almost crying through his gag. But I was merciless. I grabbed a shuriken that had somehow gotten stuck into a wall, and snapped:

"The next person who stands there gaping and not cleaning up this mess has officially just dug their own grave! I'll bet someone in this room would like a nice big shuriken shooting up their esophagus!"

You should have seen them run. They grabbed sponges, vacuum cleaners, and floor waxing machines. I broke the janitor's closet door and freed Snappy Joe. But I wasn't really worried about any of that. I took the shuriken and untied Link and Yunsung, the two of which were so overjoyed to be free they gave me a crushing hug.

"Okay, great. But what on earth happened here?" I asked.

"Have you ever heard of processed sugar?" Yunsung asked.

"We were watching sumo when a guest with a garbage bag full of stolen Halloween candy came in," Link added.

"We tried calming the sugar fanatics down, but they were like primates. They tied us up and they stole Link's pants!" Yunsung said.

"Things span out of control. This kid turned into a giant and we had to send him outside," Link said. Suddenly, Link's trousers were thrown at his head. "Hey! I got my pants back!" He quickly slipped them on.

"So the rest, as they say, is history," Yunsung said. He did this impossible jump, grabbed Nana's cage, and freed her.

"I'm FREEEE! Thank you ever so much! I thought I was going to die up there, it was so small in there. I'm kind of claustrophobic!" Nana squealed.

Yunsung jumped back down with her with all the grace and speed of…well, he's kind of in that special class of speed, usually reserved for Fox and Falco.

"I was due for a cool moment. Now Link, I hear you've got a rec room in here…" Yunsung said.

"Race you to the Air Hockey table?" Link asked, grinning.

"Like you had to ask!" Yunsung said, and sped off with Link.

I sighed. Sooner or later they were going to get lost…and I still had to eat something, because I'd missed breakfast. I had to get this place cleaned up before Peach came back from shopping with Pichu. And I still had to round up all the guests and give them lunch. Oh, and what of Fabio?

So many responsibilities! I wondered how Peach pulled it off day after day. Admittedly, she didn't have twice the number of people do deal with, but she did do all the cooking when the maids were out, as well as the shopping. For all I know, she also did the cleaning. I wasn't sure where to start. This must be where the to-do list came from.

I figured my first priority was getting the mansion cleaned, and admittedly everyone was doing a good job. Although Mario and Yoshi looked more like Ren and Stimpy, with Yoshi acting like a vacuum cleaner at the apparent lack of appliances.

Young Link was washing some stains off the wall, perched on Luigi's shoulders, Luigi also washing some stains. As this cleaning effort continued, I entered the kitchen to go make lunch.

The kitchen was nearly empty because of the eating spree that had happened in the twenty short minutes while I was gone.

"Oh dear. What shall I do?" I wondered. Then the little light bulb in my head clicked.

"Captain Falcon, when the clock hits one thirty, pull every last one of the packets out of the oven," I said. He dropped his broom and straightened his apron.

"But there aren't any packets in the oven!" As he said that, I emptied the freezer off all frozen dinners and shoved them into the oven.

"Those should work for lunch. Now to find Fabio…" I said, and rushed out of the kitchen.

I walked out into the courtyard, and among the trees, I found Fabio, who was at least three times the height of a telephone pole and just as wide.

He bent down and peered out me.

"My goodness. It's so high up everyone looks like ants," he said "Oh dear. I have a nosebleed. Hit the decks, Annabelle."

"PEONY!" I yelled. "Now, Fabio, did you wish yourself big again?"

"I had a conversation. When I was small, I was still growing. And I need my nanny!" he cried.

"It's okay!" I yelled back. "If you keep talking, you grow right? Well, if you're quiet, maybe you'll shrink instead! Perhaps you'll just have to keep a cycle of quiet and loud!"

"B-but Annabelle! What am I going to do?" he asked, and began crying.

"Maybe you should try this wishing thing one more time.." I said, and hopped into his hand as soon as he lowered it.

"Just wish to be Fabio again, and I'm sure it will work this time," I said.

He shut his eyes, as a glow overcame him. Suddenly, with a POOF! He was a back to normal size.

"I-I did it! I did it! Thank you! I KNEW you were a wishing peony!" he cheered.

I bit my lip, and swallowed thickly.

"Well, Fabio, actually I'm…I'm not a wishing peony. I'm just in a dress with a ribbon. I'm not magical at all," I lied, since of course I was plenty magical. But my magic didn't help him at all.

"So…so you mean that…" Fabio stammered.

"That's right Fabio. The magic was in you the whole time. Now go home before you smash more of the mansion up," I said. He shrugged and walked off into the horizon, whacking into the electrical fence.

I was glad my whacking curse had finally caught someone else. I walked back into the mansion just in time to see it spotless, with Captain Falcon pulling out several frozen dinner packets from the oven.

I didn't even need to round up the people for lunch. As soon as they smelled food, they gathered in the dining room, even Father who had previous been missing.

"So then I was trying to get the Door of Time open but then…" Apparently my father and Link were having an animated discussion about how Link saved Hyrule.

So after lunch, things were going great. I was stuffed. I came close to singing Hakuna Matata. The last thing for me to do was to check on the Smashers, one by one.

The sleeping quarters are all in one long corridor, but there are only so many rooms that can handle hyperactive fighters. Which is why the best rooms go to the Smashers in twosomes.

Fox and Falco's room was empty save their guest, Peppy Hare who was busy reading a book.

"I hope you're enjoying yourself," I said.

"Very much. It's quite peaceful in here," he said, and continued reading. I left it at that.

In Link and Young Link's room, it was completely empty. On the table there was a note.

'Gone Gaming. Be back whenever. –Young Link'.

I sighed. And it seemed that every room contained this note and their names signed except for one.

Marth and Roy's room. That room was locked tight! Of course, saving Snappy Joe had its perks.

"Alright, I'd better not see another-" I stopped mid-sentence, my mouth hanging wide open.

"You know what your problem is, Marth? You never take risks! On Free Day you just lock yourself in your room with the air conditioner on high watching Dot Hack Sign! You NEVER TAKE RISKS!"

"I never take risks, huh?" Marth asked, eerily calm. He grabbed Roy and gave him a big wet one. Marth saw me out of the corner of his eye and tossed a shoe at me as hard as he could.

It hit dead center, bringing me back to reality. I ran out of the room and locked the door behind me, gasping for breath. I rubbed the smarting shoe print off my face.

Sheeda was out there as well.

"I was just going to ask for a few Pocky and then I saw it!" she cried, tears draining out of her eyes.

"I know! It made my eyes burn…" I replied, still struggling to breathe.

"Who'd have thought…? I'm so dumping him! But first I need video games! And Pocky!" Sheeda snapped.

"Third floor, fourth door on the left!" I replied, and followed her. I was going to join her in the elevator but the door closed to fast, whacking me in the face again.

My whack quota was definitely due.

The next elevator finally came, and not a moment too soon. I heard the door bell ring.

I rushed inside without a thought, and whacked into Link. Ah well. Better Link than the cold, merciless elevator wall.

"Hmm…something smells like a boiled radish…" I thought.

"Yeah. That's me. Your dad, Yunsung, and I just had the best dip in the hot-spring spa of our lives. You really got to try it sometime. A free back rub with every trip!" he said, grinning.

If looks could kill, Link would be dead. But then, Peach was going to be here any second.

"I don't have time for this!" I snapped, and ran off.

Just my luck, I walked into Peach the moment I got out of the elevator. She was dragging along a huge, wheeled wardrobe of Halloween costumes, with Pichu on her shoulder.

"I've got dinner in the kitchen! Oh, and here's your new costume!" she said, picking a costume of the wardrobe.

"I want to keep this one," I said. Peach dropped the costume in shock.

"A-are you sure?" she asked. I nodded.

"Very well. I'll be handing out the costumes now. You don't have to play hostess any more. Thanks for filling in. I'll give you a thank-you present later," Peach said, smiling.

"Okay then. Thanks!" I said. After so many calamities, my head felt like snapping in two.

And whacking into Link yet again wasn't helping matters.

"Have you cheered up yet? I'm telling you, you just have to try the back rub. It'll be the greatest feeling of your life," he cheered, grinning.

"I'm not going," I said moodily.

"Why's that?" he said, not faltering in the slightest.

"Because I left Dr. Mario all alone on the beach!" I said.

**And Now With Dr. Mario…**

Dr. Mario sat on a beach mat alone, thoroughly enjoying another smoothie, Zelda completely forgotten.

**Back With Zelda…**

"Knowing him he's probably forgotten ALL about you," Link replied.

"I'm still not going with you!" I said.

"Again, why not? Your dad will be there too!" he said.

"Just…just…BECAUSE! That's why!" I snapped.

"Fine. If YOU won't go with me, I'll just have to improvise," he said. He picked me up like I was a rag doll, and carried me to the spa, passersby staring.

I began punching his back sulkily.

"I'm not going! I won't, I won't, I won't, I WON'T!" I screeched.

"You're going to have fun even if it kills you!" Link said. He kicked open the spa door and tossed me to my father, turning around.

"Quick, get her into a bathing suit! She bites!" Link said, his back still turned.

It must have been a conspiracy or something because moments later I was in a hot tub in a bathing suit, my dress some place else.

"I'm getting out of here!" I snapped, but then Yunsung held me down from behind.

"No way Jose!" he said. And so I was forced to have fun.

"I hate fun. I never wanted to do this! You guys are so dead later…" I mumbled half-heartedly, between my father and Link.

"Save it, dear. You're not going anywhere until I hear some laughter," Father said. I sulked some more.

"So then he set my shorts on fire!" Yunsung said. Link started laughing.

"You're kidding right? That's COLD, even for a scorned roommate!" he replied, laughing.

But nothing could make me laugh. Not tickling. Not funny jokes. Not even amusing antics, which even got Ganondorf to crack a smile sometimes.

The Halloween party started. Every Smasher came. Their costumes were really something.

Young Link was in a Spongebob suit, and his friend Saria was dressed as Patrick.

You already know Link's costume, Yunsung, and vice-versa for his guest.

Pikachu went as Ash, and Ash went as Misty! That made me laugh.

Ganondorf went as Pete from Mickey Mouse. His guest Twinrova went as Minnie Mouse.

Mewtwo went as an Electebuzz. His guest, Giovanni went as Hitler, and nearly got shot because of it.

Peach went as Wilma. Mario as Fred Flintstone, Dr. Mario as Barney Gumble, and Luigi turned some heads dressed as Betty. Yoshi went as Dino, Nana went as Pebbles, and Popo went as Bam-Bam. So now you had all of them. None of them brought any guests.

Kirby went as Meta-Knight, and his guest Meta-Knight went as King Dedede. I was almost expecting someone to go as the Whispy Woods.

Samus and Captain Falcon both went as an F-Zero Racer…designed to look like Kraid. You bet it was some compromise.

Donkey Kong and Diddy went as middle-aged golfers, complete with the silly hat with the pom-pom.

Fox and Falco also made a joint project, along with Peppy Hare. They all dressed up like geisha.

"Why are you three all dressed like that?" I asked.

"They were the only costumes left. And after the kimono's on, you can't help but wax your hair and put on white make-up," Fox said.

I gave them an odd look and went back over with Link.

Marth and Roy were dressed as, of course, each other. Marth dyed his hair red and Roy dyed his hair blue. And then they put on each other's armor.

Jigglypuff had her own little costume, dressed as Yuna from Final Fantasy X-2. Scary? Perhaps. But she really liked it.

Ness and Mr. Game and Watch came dressed as jack-o-lanterns. Now THAT was something you didn't see every day. As a costume, I mean.

Bowser and Ganondorf came dressed as Boos. Personally, I thought they should have just stuck with what they normally wear.

So at that moment, now that everyone had arrived, they began the party. Music blared through the speakers. People were eating and drinking Peach's dinner amongst some finger foods. All in all, it couldn't have been more boring for me, even if someone threw a flaming trash can through a window and people swarmed the mansion.

Parties always ended up like this.

After a while, Link began telling scary stories.

"Okay people. This is the scary story about my friend's big toe," Link began. Everyone gathered around. Someone killed the lights as Link grabbed a flashlight.

"We were traveling around for a bit when he complained about sharp pains in his foot. So of course, I took off his boot, and for a second, I glimpsed inside." Everyone was quaking in their costumes.

"What was in that boot wasn't holy. I nearly threw up. When I emptied the boot, a puddle of crimson blood oozed out, thick as honey." By now, those with weak constitutions had left the room.

"But it was nothing compared to the toe. That toe was bruised, battered, black. And also nearly severed off." This time, someone didn't make it to a bathroom, and threw up into their cup.

"The toe nail was yellow and brittle. It peeled off like onion skins and turned to dust, like crushed chalk. That toe was definitely past its prime. Almost dead, more like it." Marth, who had previously been blue in the face holding his squeal of terror, just let it out.

"There was no choice but…to amputate. Because the toe was already nearly severed off, I just ripped the sinew out. A spurt of blood shot out almost instantly!" This time Marth fell back onto the carpet. He'd fainted.

"The layers of skin holding the blood spurt back fell out. And…there…WAS THIS HUGE BLACK SPIDER INSIDE THE TOE!" At that moment, no one could contain their fright, and everyone screamed.

"I still have the toe," he said, and to our horror, he took out a big toe that was bruise, battered, black, bloody. And severed, with the yellow toe nail peeled clean off. Most people fainted, and wouldn't wake up until the next morning, dazed, confused, and still in their costumes.

"Heh! I got you all good!" Link said, and he and Yunsung had a good laugh before Yunsung said: "I need my toe back."

At this point of my utmost horror, utmost shock, and the day that caught up with me…I laughed.

I laughed loud. I laughed hard. I was rolling with laughter, with tears coming out of my eyes. I was pounding the ground. I couldn't even breathe.

Link and Yunsung shared a look before they left the room.

"At least she had fun."

Rest assured I would never have fun again. At least, until Free Day came around again…

_**Author's Notes: What a rough chapter! Yes, it was hard to do. Yes, Fabio is a retarded character who will never come back. Yes, I made some major plot holes. Yes, Doctor Mario is still at the beach as we speak this November the second. And yes, Samus did find her suit. Will Yunsung be back? Probably not. Will they all wake up and forget this ever happened? Probably. **_

Reviews:

I got plenty! YEAH!

Urby:

My number one reviewer. Seriously, I read Snow Kisses, one of your stories, and I STILL can't figure out who the couple was! You have to tell me some time, because it's killing me.

Caliban's Shameless Groveling One: Uh…sorry. I'm a bad person. Why do you think I made this story K? I've got such a foul mouth sometimes I made it this low rating so I'd find a way to control myself!

Caliban's Shameless Thanks: OMG! I'd be beyond honored! Just WOW! I wouldn't care however you portray me. Just thanks.

Caliban's Shameless Worming-Out-Of-Things:

Well…I, uh…You're right! I'm not sticking to the story style, which is introduction, first-person views, shameless humor, a brawl, and then 'this will never happen again until it happens again' thing.

And mangoes do rule. No, really. I just wish I had some right now…

You might want to get that bump on your head checked out. Bricks really hurt. People use it all the time but it's hard enough lifting one.

RoyalFanatic: OOOH! Must…check…out…The Endless War! Which I'll do as soon as this chapter is posted.

Besides, I'm the ultimate tomboy, but sometimes I enjoy pink. Yes, pink. But not hot pink or ballerina pink. Those suck!

Alannah: Oh, how we miss her annoying ramblings.

Tesla: You know, this sounds a lot like her.

Alannah: I still can't believe those guards pulled Mario's Super Jump Punch at us. That knocked the wind out of me! Seriously, those guards play too much video games and read too many fighting comics to be so buff!

Tesla: But at least I have Shigeru Miyamoto's autograph! And a sneak-peek at Twilight Princess! I can't believe Link can turn into a wolf now!

Alannah: Shut up! You're spoiling it for the reviewers!

RoyalFanatic: That's it. I'm out of here. Bowser, let's go.

Wait, come back! Uh oh…they saw me!

Alannah: There she is!

Tesla: You're alive!

ACK! They glomped me!

Blazing Fool: THAT'S A GOOD ONE! I'm starting chapter eleven now.

I was so hoping for you to choose Caliban-Hikotsu. I really was…Eh!

Doubledude: Thanks a bunch! Hope you like this one…

Tesla: Don't you have a geography essay to work on?

I'm ending this review. Before she springs me with a geo textbook…

Elfbrat: Whether Zelda is PMSing or just plain being a grump is your call. But hey, she was anti-fun, she was a raving lunatic, she had like seven mood swings. If that isn't PMS I don't know what is.

Alannah: Caliban can PMS. Oh yeah. She tried to choke someone with their own braid yesterday just for being an idiot while she was going through a BIG mood swing.

That was supposed to be a secret! Tesla, attack!

Tesla: It's GLOMPING TIME!

Alannah: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Demon of the Black Fire: I'm having just as much trouble keeping track of my own chapters! I'm scared of doing a Roy chapter twice… And…HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS GOING TO DO THAT? Don't say anything!

Mewlon: You're my new reviewer to worship. Not only did you read and review, but you also…say that it was a recommendation from a friend. When I read that, my heart glowed with delight. By the way, I've read on of your stories, 'The Blood Red Rose' and let me say that Meiko scares the living tar out of me!

As for Roy, I'm pretty sure his mother is Lady Lyndis, but I know like negative a hundred about Fire Emblem…I'm not a really a Ninian and Eliwood since I don't like Ninian much but whatever.

AshRB: Long time no see! I'm glad you liked it!

SHSW360: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I'm so glad my story is a success in the humor section! Please tell me what your name stands for or something. It's a hobby of mine…

And that's it for reviews! This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out!


	10. Make Your Milk Moo

Caliban's Chattering: Hey, it's better than just 'Author's Notes' at least.

Man, sorry for the wait. Yeah, I'm a bum. And yeah, there are just so many great ideas you reviewers have been sending in!

But seriously, this one is definitely something you guys think about. I know I do, it makes me mad. Constantly!

Disclaimer: No suing, please! You can't sue the pants off me for making fun of both Super Smash Brothers and the 'Make Your Milk Moo and Win' contest, both of which I don't own.

MY MILK JUST MOOOOED! Sincerely, Young Link 

Today was one of the days you seldom hear about, because most witnesses turn into gibbering idiots. Today was the best, worst, and most revolutionary day of my life. It changed me in ways that a ten year old should never have to experience. I know what you're thinking, that I'm crazy, but I'm serious.

It all began when…

**Insert Flashback Here. **

It's general knowledge that I have a milk addiction. I drink a good twenty bottles a day. I even drink it when I sleep.

So anyways, like every morning, I got up, straightened my cow pajamas, and with my slippers I picked up a jar of milk, and began chugging it on my way to the bathroom.

I brushed my teeth as I could to get back to my precious milk.

Ah…Milk. Warm, sweet, nourishing milk. I love it so. I can't go five SECONDS without a bottle.

Did you know I fund the all the milk commercials you see? The 'Drink Milk for Life' commercial, the Milk Rap, Cool Whip commercials, even Simpson's Professor Frink's ice-cream cow. Everything, even the lactose-free milk you see going about these days.

Where do I get all the money? Contests, of course. All kinds. Singing, dancing, running, the Olympics…I've been in them all and whipped people nicely, too.

Speaking of contests, today happens to be my endearing-classic song-parody contest. Yep. I thought up a song even better than the milk rap.

But it's a secret. I won't say a thing until the contest, because who knows? One of you people could be one of my opponents, and I can't afford to let you know.

I picked up my milk bottle and walked into my walk-in closet.

Since today, I was in such a milk mood, I felt like wearing my white tunic. As for whether 'milk' can be an adjective…

Let's just skip to the breakfast table.

So, just like every other morning, I arrive at the breakfast table, get dragged into a huge fight over the milk, and somehow end up with the jug of milk and missing a shoe.

It was worth it though. Okay, that evil look Falco is giving me is DEFINITELY not worth it. Ah well. I've got milk in the fridge.

I opened the fridge. All the milk bottles were empty! I turned the milk bottle case upside down, and nary a drop!

On the bottom, there was a message, in ridiculously large lined paper, with so many spelling errors I had to reread twice.

_Deer Yang Lank, _

_Needed sum melk in me sac lunch. Goon too spelling stool. Surry bout thus. _

_Mr. Gamy and Waco_

_P.S: Bye mire big piper. It's ell gun. _

"What the heck!" I crumpled it up angrily, which was harder than you'd think.

What was I going to do now? The contest was in…I glanced at the clock. An hour from now, and I had no milk! This was bad, people. This was very, very bad.

Not only did I desperately need milk at the moment, I had to replenish my supply.

But that could wait. I needed the milk back from-I watched him dump the whole jug into his bowl of cereal. Never mind.

I had to resort to my secret stash!

I ran out of the kitchen to my room**. Caliban: Enter the cool spy music…**

I went into the walk-in closet, pushed away a tunic, which concealed a retina scanner. I placed my eye on the scanner, pushed in a password into the key pad, placed my hand on the finger print scanner, and the vault opened.

There it sat. A crate of bottled milk, beautiful, unopened, still in their original barcodes. Did I mention they were Chateau Romani? Yep. Pretty sweet.

But on the podium, carefully caressed by plush royal purple velvety silk, lay a single bottle of milk.

This milk was not an ordinary milk. It was like Chateau Romani, you know, the milk that makes your life meter completely full and OD's your magic meter? It's like that, only it adds a bazillion heart containers and makes your magic meter go off the screen! Okay, exaggeration maybe, but it felt like that when I was drinking it.

Notice that it's half empty? I know.

It happens to be a very special bottle of milk Malon made for me when I was leaving Ocarina of Time for good and moving on to Majora's Mask.

It was the best thing I ever tasted, and even thinking of touching that bottle right now seems like a sin.

A sip won't hurt…a drop of this milk will keep me going all day while I try and find some acceptable refill milk.

I tipped the smooth, cool glass carefully into my mouth.

This must be the feeling Homer Simpson got after eating the Ribwich.

My pupils dilated. A ruddy blush spread across my face. I began getting spasms. A strange, euphoric feeling overcame me.

No, I was not having a seizure. Pretty close to a seizure though, because here comes the unnatural behavior.

"MILK! MILK! MILK!" I began yelling, and hopping up and down. I heard a bang from below.

"Keep quiet up there! I'm trying to install the new bathrooms from chapter five!" Mario snapped.

"Sorry Mario. MILK!" I bellowed one last time. This time Mario banged on his ceiling so hard I fell through. And landed on top of him.

"Heh…you won't tell anyone about the secret milk vault, will you? Or the gaping hole in the ceiling?" I asked nervously.

"So long as you have your seizure outside. Go. NOW, before I give you a Swirly with my newly installed toilet!"

And thus, I was outside.

"MILK! MILK! MILK!"

"Keep it quiet up there! I'm trying to make someone's life miserable down here!" Crazy Hand snapped.

"Sorry."

But the fact of the matter was, no matter how awesome super milk was, I still had no breakfast, and my milk supply still was missing in action.

So when you don't have a to-do list, you wander around aimlessly looking for a chance at improving your situation.

So I came upon Ganondorf, and also, a smell ten times worse than the one in Kirby's bathroom. Yes, I've been there before when he had it fumigated.

"Ugh…now that smell just isn't right…" I said.

"It's fertilizer. It's very good for the petunias and the geraniums. Now, help me water…" Ganondorf replied, reaching for a watering can.

"Okay, this is too weird! I'm out of here! Oh, wait! I need milk!" I said. Yes, I was too milk-less at this point to beat a hasty retreat. I flopped on the ground like a fish that grew legs and tried to walk for the first time.

"If you need milk, try the outside world. I hear the Smash Village is nice!" he said. Oh, the awkwardness!

"Yeah, thanks, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm so out of energy I can't even beat a hasty retreat! How am I suppose to dodge an anti-escape orb, a team of Dobermans, AND a visit from the ho-ho-merry SSBECF like I am now?" I snapped.

"Try the front door. I don't understand why people always try to leave through the fence," Ganondorf said, and went back to his Venus fly-traps. Well, at least there was something cool in that garden…

D'OH! The front door! He had a point there…

I suppose some Smashers may be smart, but none too bright if you know what I mean.

You know, the outside world is pretty nice. For one thing, you feel less like a video game character. It may seem simple at glance, but when you think about it, it's really hard. You know how supposedly we die and have multiple lives? Not so. In reality we make an impossible save and appear at the reviving pad in split seconds. Ha! So now it's getting a little more difficult huh?

I walked past a TV store, which had HyperMew on as usual.

"This is HyperMew the hyper kitty here with the midday news! Yes, this is during commercials of the sumo match. Anyways, local milk devotee Young Link has a big contest coming up at Smash Plaza in half an hour! He'd better hurry up and chug his twenty bottles of milk, because the competition this year will be fierce! In other news, Mr. Game and Watch has entered spelling school. All these stories and more continued at the next break."

HyperMew was right. I rushed into a convenience store and cleared the Milk to Go section, gulping down bottles as I rushed to the Smash Plaza which was RIGHT there.

Lucky for me, I was down to just one bottle by the time I made it.

"And now Young Link must come onto the stage and sing his song, a product of our shameless self-promotion gimmicks-uh…I mean cool promotional event by Seeltest, Parmalast, Neelson, Beatrix, Naturelle, and Dairy-Dairy Smash-Moo Tokyo Milk Concern," said the announcer. **Caliban: No, those are not really bad parodies of the copyrighted Sealtest, Parmalat, Neilson, Beatrice, Naturel milk companies, and the made up Tokyo Milk Concern. Oh, here comes the song! **

"Milk just sells! Naturelle as well! Beatrix all the way! Parmalast, not so bad, Neelson and Seeltest I say! Smash Tokyo Milk Concern, you make my day!" I jingled.

"Hmm…not bad! I especially liked that one extra sentence at the end to wrap it all off. It was copying the much beloved Jingle Bells! You're officially the new mascot of the B6, the new huge multi-milk company conglomerate! You'll be everywhere! On billboards! On posters! You've officially replaced the 'Make your Milk Moo' contest!" the dominant judge said. I stepped off the stage after the expected clapping from the audience.

The judge walked up to me, and said "Have some free milk, it's your prize! Oh, and sign this contract."

Without a thought, I quickly scrawled on the signature and jumped into the bottles of milk.

They all had flashy, trendy labels with 'B6' written on them. I opened one, chugged it down, and gagged.

This new milk tasted terrible! It tasted like a cow with Mad Cow disease or Bovine injections spewed out this awful milk. It didn't work. I rushed outside to vomit when…

My face was everywhere. I don't know where they got so many pictures of me holding a milk bottle, but… **Caliban: You think maybe the seven thousand matches you posed in might be the source? NAW! **

My face was on billboards, the B6 advertisements were pasted over the 'Make your Milk Moo' ones. In fact, in less than five minutes I was even more a celebrity than just starring in several popular video games.

I couldn't believe it. But then that awful B6 milk came up sour and I threw up.

I saw my favorite milk stand suddenly carting away their old goods and replacing it with B6.

"No, wait! What are you doing? Where's the Milk-2-Go?" I asked.

"Oh, that's been discontinued. The B6 company is paying a mint to replace all my goods with their products. Try the new B6 cereal bars! They so don't taste like tile grout!" the manager said, chewing on a bar and then gagging. They probably did taste like tile grout.

I slapped the cart out of his hands and grabbed a conveniently placed megaphone.

"HEAR ME, PEOPLE OF SMASH VILLAGE! YOUR LIVES ARE BEING TAKEN OVER AS WE SPEAK BY THIS AWFUL B6 MILK! IT TASTES LIKE TILE GROUT AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT POISON IN YOUR SYSTEMS! STOP B6 WHILE YOU STILL CAN! IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE FOR DECENT MILK IN THE WORLD! DON'T BUY THAT BRAINWASHING, TASTELESS GENERIC MILK!" I yelled. People paid no mind because B6 was paying even the civilians not to listen to me.

"I can't believe this! Come on! Miltank Pokemon, you've got to stop this! You know that stuff is beyond raunchy!" I snapped at the few Miltanks walking around unsupervised.

"We know. That's why we're just going to take B6's money and leave town. I hear Pallet Town is a nice place," said one Miltank. They quickly scurried off.

If even cows wouldn't help, it seemed like I was on my own here.

I went back to the B6 judge, ignoring the TV store outside that was blaring my jingle. After hearing it on TV, I realized this was getting out of hand.

"Listen Mr. Judge, we can't let this go on! Stop B6 or I'm ripping my contract," I said.

"The contract is laminated. Besides, we can't stop now! It's been ten minutes without some hippie running up to us telling us about animal cruelty! That's a new record! B6 is a godsend! The only way we'll have to stop B6 is if we cut the contest going on, and the only contest milk companies have made so far is the 'Make your Milk Moo', and we both know that's a dud," he said.

The stress was getting to me. Here I was, the newest mascot of the grossest milk in creation and no way to end it all. Next thing you know B6 will have invaded the Smash Mansion. They would all turn into mindless B6 drones.

I grabbed my last bottle of Milk to Go, previously forgotten, still brand new, and opened it, the fresh-lock snapping.

One deafening sound echoed through the suddenly silent world.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Penguins flew. The B6 judge turned his head. The B6 bottles cracked. The erupting volcano in Hawaii finally stopped erupting.

"OH MY GOD MY MILK JUST MOOOED!" I screamed.

"Yeah, I know! This changes everything!" the judge said excitedly "Whoa, kid, are you all right? Hey! The kid just fainted!"

I woke up in a hospital bed ten minutes later, the judge had called the ambulance.

"Kid, your milk shouldn't have mooed. It's actually impossible," the judge said.

"What?" I asked, still drowsy.

"I'll let you on a little secret, kid. That contest is completely rigged. We couldn't fit the little sound-makers into the bottle without contaminating the milk, but by the time we figured that out, all the flyers had already gone out and we'd already distributed a decade's worth of commercial shares. So your milk mooing was really impossible. Maybe that was the only milk bottle in the world to have a working sound-maker, which of course, contaminated that bottle of milk. Had you drunk that bottle of milk, you wouldn't have been able to leave the bathroom for at least an hour. So there's dodging a bullet. As for B6, well, we decided to break up after a customer tried to sue for the milk being contaminated with tile grout…that's a whole other story though. Well, I'd best leave you here to rest," said the judge, and left before anything drastic happened.

End Flashback 

So that's how it happened. I suppose it really was a useless anecdote, but it did properly describe my life. This sort of drama happens everyday for me, because hey. I'm Link, big or small.

I managed to eat something at the hospital, finally, I was starving! The Smash mansion restocked the milk supply, Mr. Game and Watch returned from spelling school, the list goes on. As for B6, that milk was gone with the wind. However, the commercials and billboards are still around, but I don't mind. Having your face everywhere is pretty cool sometimes.

But I'm NEVER getting sponsored again! At least, until that shampoo company liked my hair…

_**Author's Notes: Love it? Hate it? Want me to die because your milk actually mooed before? Come on! No one's milk has ever mooed before. Besides, this is a fanfiction. Yes, there are plot holes and errors, SUE ME! **_

**Reviews: **

**Urby: I know! EEEE! I was sure there were some mistakes in there. It's just, I was in a rush to get this in, as usual, because at the time I was supposed to wash dishes! A responsible person would do the dishes first and THEN upload the darn chapter but…**

**You know I was just kidding there right? Whenever you see this sort of thing, there's always some crazy explanation. I do NOT write shounen-ai or yaoi or any of that. I will never write that in my stories, READING is a whole other matter…**

**Tesla: Me, Alannah, and Caliban herself are against homophobia! Although, I read and write some serious smut there…**

**Alannah: And I've drawn some pretty bad pictures…**

**Ugh… I'll get back to you there. **

**Hmm…maybe I should write a Sheik chapter since it's all Zelda this and that. I love Sheik, so I'm surprised at myself. **

**Snow Kisses: PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE KIDDING! OMG, isn't Gnome that annoying overgrown hamster with the ribbon? And isn't Celsius that super-icy spirit-thingy? AH! But who cares? It's different, it worked, enough said. **

**Urby away…man, that cracks me up! In fact, you crack me up sometimes. And despite the fact I write humor, it's pretty hard to make me laugh for real.**

**Blazing Fool: WOW! We're really alike, aren't we? I'm going through the same phase, me likey Yuna, etcetera. Auron, the only thing I like about him is his theme! He's my strongest character, his HP is around six thousand. But I don't like him, period. **

**I'm not changing my name. Nope. I like Caliban! **

**Demon of the Black Fire: It was hard to make a Zelda chapter, and as a result, it ended up long and pointless. I'm good at that. Personally, I'm not a big of her either, but whatever. **

**Totallystrange: WHAT THE HECK! If people ask you to change your name, you tell them to screw off. I bet their first names were beyond retarded. I've seen names like chickpea, for heaven's sake! **

**Oh my god. Gating is my freaking worst nightmare. I'm one of the smart-but-slacker students who don't do their homework but participates in class a lot, so if there was gating at my school I'd have a desk reserved. I have enough trouble looking at those gross pieces of gum underneath desks, but SCRAPING THEM OFF IN A HUMONGOUS SCHOOL? Never ever. **

**BTW, I sound like a hypocrite. Here I am contemplating changing my name and then people are trying to push you around…seriously, I'd give them the finger or something equally rude…**

**HyperMew: Actually, you're in every chapter! Isn't that great? I know, I love having you as reporter…**

**Bye now! **

**Smiley-Anonymous: Because your original face will not turn out in the actual story, this is your new name. **

**Who is Commander Keen again? I haven't played Earthbound so I'm lost…**

**Yoshizilla: THANKS! And yes, he will come back. But since his name is taken, your real character needs a different one…methinks. How about Pepper Ankylosaurus? Like, Peppy is already taken by the weirdo scientist, and I want your actual character to have a shot in the story so…**

**Doubledude: YAY! He likes it! The thing is, I can always count on your review! **

**Xiao Dark-cloud: Missing in action for a little while, I see. It's good to have you back! **

**Ew…maybe in the black market you can sell it, but its Yunsung's, remember? Heh. Just kidding. **

**AshRB: Yes, she gets a chapter. Everyone will. Ain't that so great? **

**Note: That last sentence is not a sample of my English. It's a lot better, I swear! **

**Royal Fanatic: Uh…I updated, it makes you happy, which makes me happy, which makes you happy, which makes Bowser happy, which makes Blazing Fool happy! **

**Blazing Fool: YEAH! Wait, what? **

**Uh…I'll get back to you. **

**Elfbrat: Shucks, thanks! I was planning to make it a 'Zelda on a rampage' but somehow, it worked out like it did. **

**Heh, they WOULD have been in that chapter but I'm giving them a break for they'll be in the next chapter! **

**Link was kidding about the toe! He made it up. The toes was actually just an expertly painted rubber tube filled with paper that Yunsung made. I thought of the scary story looking at the ingrown toenail I got. Boy, did it hurt! **

**Now that I've grossed you out, I hope you'll review. **

**This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out! **


	11. Evil Author Sam!

**Caliban's Chattering: **

**Yeah, you've noticed I've been REALLY an idiot lately, not updating or anything else. I mean, COME ON! Young Link protesting against milk? **

**Tesla: Hmm…you know, I liked the little jingle. **

**I'm not going to answer that. So anyways, I've always wanted to make fun of fairy tales…**

**Disclaimer: **

**Shigeru: See, Satoshi Tajiri, the world famous creator of Pokemon, that's the girl that always tries to get into my office. **

**Satoshi: Wow, Shigeru Miyamoto, the world famous creator of Nintendo, you've got some dedicated fans. **

**Shigeru: So anyways, let's start talking about the newest Pokemon game. **

**Caliban: Hi! Oh. My. God. It's Satoshi Tajiri! Hey, I've got a question…**

**Satoshi: No, you don't own Pokemon. Or Super Smash Brothers Melee. **

**Aw MAN! **

Run, Run As Fast As You Can, You Can't Catch Me, I'm Evil Author Sam! Yes, this is a Marth Chapter…

"Has anyone seen Marth lately?" Roy asked.

"Not I," said the green elf.

"Not I," said the brown ape.

"Not I," said the fast fox.

"Well, do you have any idea where he might be?" Roy asked.

"Not I," said the-

"Okay, okay! I get it, you don't have to copy 'The Little Red Hen' or anything like that! I just wanted to borrow his super cream!" Roy snapped.

"Why?" Link asked.

"I set myself on fire again," Roy said.

"Don't you think water will work better?" Fox asked.

"Hmm…let's see here. NO!" he snapped.

"What about the hose Bowser uses to water his Piranha Plants?" DK asked.

"That's even worse!"

Peach walked into the room carrying a basket and wearing a red hood.

"Has anyone seen Toadsworth? I have to deliver this basket of mushrooms as a get-well gift," she said.

"No. You should try walking through the Smash Forest, down a long dirt path, avoiding death at every turn as the Big Bad Bowser plots against you," Link said "That's how everyone else found Toadsworth."

"Toadsworth? Who's Toadsworth? Shouldn't the author be here with her annoying chattering?" Roy asked.

Menacing laughter was heard.

"MUHAHAHAHAHAAA!" More menacing laughter. "MU-"

"We get it! You're evil! Stop the stupid laughter and introduce yourself!" Roy yelled, shaking a fist.

Stomping was heard above them as a chandelier fell down. A teenaged boy, perhaps not older than fourteen, stumbled, got up onto his feet, and dusted himself off, coughing slightly.

"MUHAHAHAHA!" Roy punched him in the face.

"I told you to stop the stupid laughter!"

"What? Jeez, that hurt!" the boy groaned. "I'd love to laugh again, but I'm afraid he'll do something worse. I'm Evil Author Sam, evil author on the Fanfiction website! I've taken over countless accounts, and this time, I've taken over Caliban the Wizard!" he said, opening a closet on the far wall revealing the old author, tied up with duck tape over her mouth. She somehow managed to loosen the tape.

"Guys, get me out of here! This guy is stupid! He makes parodies of fairy tales! My stories are way more random than this! DON'T JUST STAND THERE, YOU GIBBERING IDIOTS, DO SOMETHING!" she screeched.

"Hmm…she's got a point. But what are we supposed to do? The majority of us are way too stupid to handle something this important, and the minority who are smart enough end up ridiculed and too disgruntled to help," Fox said "Or they get into fights." He pointed to Donkey Kong who was underneath an extremely heavy dog pile.

"Then get Marth!" she yelled.

"Okay, that's enough out of you! Little Red Riding Fruit, nail the door shut!" he commanded Peach.

"Wait, don't! If you don't nail the door shut, I'll make you a chapter! Please…?"

The door was promptly nailed shut, and desperate banging was heard.

In Marth's Room… 

I was busy enjoying a day off, watching soap operas with the air conditioner on, like I always do, when Roy came bursting through the door.

"Marth, Marth-" he began, barely able to breathe, but a lasso came out of nowhere and dragged him back into the hallway, kicking and screaming.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAA! NO ONE IS HERE TO SAVE YOU NOW!" a maniacal male voice laughed.

"Shut the darn door! You're letting all the cold run out!" I growled, slamming the door and locking it.

Back in the Crisis Situation…Yes, this is Sam… 

"MUHAHAHAHA!"

"I'm getting really tired of that!" Roy snapped.

"You'll never get away with this!" Link growled.

"I have a very good lawyer!" Caliban screeched from behind the door.

"There should be a law against this!" Donkey Kong choked from underneath the dog pile. Young Link smacked him.

"Keep quiet!"

"HA-HA! I rule the Smash Mansion! Where are you and your painful punches now, loser?" Evil Author Sam asked Roy.

"I'd say kicks are better!" he snapped, kicking Sam right in the unmentionables.

"OWWWW! That was cheap! And extremely painful! No kicking below the belt! Frog Prince, go tie up Roy's legs!" Using his mysterious evil author powers, he turned Young Link into a Frog Prince with opposable thumbs.

Young Link croaked miserably and tied up Roy's legs.

"You know what? Gag him too, Frog Prince, before he bites me," Evil Author Sam said.

Roy looked downcast as though he was indeed planning to bite the evil author, as Young Link the Frog Prince tied a black bandanna around his mouth. Roy tried to slap him away, and struggled, but then the Frog Prince smacked him with his tongue.

"Ew…" Roy was successfully gagged after that.

"HA! Now…who to morph next? Oh, I know!" Evil Author Sam said, giving Link a menacingly gleeful look.

Link swallowed thickly.

Meanwhile, Caliban the Wizard was busy trying to escape.

"Okay, he tied me up. But so what? I'll just call over the SSBECF with my cell phone…" Caliban tipped an emergency cell phone out from underneath her head scarf, and began, slowly but surely, dialing a number with her nose.

Back with Marth… 

I was busy enjoying my soap opera…

"Naoko, we can never be together!"

"But Leonardo, I love you! Kiss me…"

I suddenly heard a loud "OWWWW!" from downstairs.

"Oh, come ON you bunch of monkeys! Can't you stay quiet for even two seconds?"

At the sound of my voice, I heard muffled shouting.

"Marth, Marth, you have to get down here and save us!" Link yelled. "We were tied up by-NOOOOOOOOO!" I didn't hear anymore from him after that.

Back in the Crisis Situation… 

"That's enough out of you!" Evil Author Sam snapped. He used his awful author powers to turn Link into…

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your golden hair!" Evil Author Sam quoted from the famous children's fairy tale, snickering evilly.

Link was turned into Rapunzel, who was wearing possibly the most girlish, frilliest powder pink dress in the world, even more frillier than Peach or Zelda's, who's hair was so long he kept tripping over it.

At this most unfortunate moment in Link's life, Zelda walked in holding a tray of salty snacks.

"I'm all set for the sumo game. Wait a second, what's going on in here?" she asked.

"What's going on? What's going on?" Evil Author Sam asked, each time with a more incredulous tone of voice than before. "I'll tell you what's going on! You're about to end up locked into a gingerbread house, that's what!"

He was about to use his evil author powers to lock Zelda into a frightful cage when…

"SSBECF here to save the day!" Blazing Fool said, in a heroic voice.

"And his partners, Elfbrat, Xiao Dark-Cloud, and Totallystrange! Oh, and Demon of the Black Fire, our manager," said Elfbrat in a cheerful voice, twirling her grappling hook around possibly even more threateningly than Evil Author Sam was this whole chapter.

"We're here to save boss! Now, where is she?" Demon of the Black Fire asked, cracking her whip.

"I'll tell you! Rapunzel, attack!" Evil Author Sam yelled.

Rapunzel stood forward, smoothing out her dress.

"This powder puff's suppose to scare us? I've never felt more insulted in my life," Totallystrange complained indignantly.

"Hey, look. It's Rapunzel. Let's give her a hair cut, shall we?" Elfbrat asked, smirking.

"You read my mind!" Xiao agreed. They lunged forward with their super-cool weapons and were subsequently thrown back by Rapunzel's hair.

"What just happened?" Xiao asked.

"I think her hair is some kind of shield thingy…" Elfbrat replied, shaking the dizziness out of her head.

"Who cares? I'll pump her full of lead!" Totallystrange clipped, loading his machine gun and firing. And firing. And firing some more.

"Totallystrange, NOOOOOOO!" Demon of the Black Fire said.

"It's a little late for that!" Blazing Fool said. The bullets came right back, only faster. Blazing Fool set his flamethrower to 'Nuclear Meltdown' and melted the bullets before they could hit.

"O-K. Bullets don't work. We have a problem here people…" Totallystrange said slowly.

"You think!" Demon of the Black Fire asked.

Meanwhile, Xiao got bored of fighting and went to free Caliban.

She broke open the door, and saw Caliban sitting there, looking defeated.

While cutting the ropes, Xiao said "Boss, you are one big idiot, letting yourself get captured…"

"I couldn't help it! He had a house made of candy, which really turned out to be a cage…" Caliban said, after she was untied.

"Speaking of gingerbread cages…" Evil Author Sam suddenly said. He faced Zelda, who looked terrified. He used his evil author powers and sent her to the gingerbread cage that was hanging by a thick chain on the roof.

"AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" she screamed, and was sent into the cage.

"MUHAHAHA! Time to turn everyone into beloved children's fairy tale characters!"

It was terrible, to say the least.

He turned the Ice Climbers into Hansel and Gretel.

"OH NO! We're fat! And Dutch!" they cried.

He turned Pikachu, Pichu, and Jigglypuff into the Three Blind Mice.

"PIKACHU!** AAAAH! I'm BLIND! BLIND**!"

"JIGGLYPUFF!** AAAAH! I'll never be able to put makeup on again! EVER**!"

"PICHU!** AAAAH! Who turned off the lights?**"

He turned Fox into the Big Bad Wolf.

"Great. Now I'm an asthmatic,"

He turned Donkey Kong into Shrek.

"Aye, I'd be an Irish Ogre, yes. Played by Mike Myers, yes. Edin Go Bragh,"

He turned Falco into the Little Red Hen.

"No one gets any bread because they didn't help make it. Screw you all,"

He turned Yoshi into Cinderella.

"YOSHI? **I have step sisters? COOL**!"

He turned Kirby into one of the Three Little Pigs.

"I don't mind, really. Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin,"

He turned Ganondorf into Blue Beard the King.

"You must never ever use the blood-stained key, Zelda dear, for that is the room where the corpses of my seven dead wives are,"

He turned Luigi into Robin Hood.

"Steal from the rich, give to the poor!" he said, stealing Mario's sandwich and eating it.

He turned Mario into the Muffin Man, and Dr. Mario into the Axe Man, both in Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White.

"I made the gingerbread man, I live on Drury Lane, she's married to me…" he said.

"I want a refund on this cumbersome and itchy costume," the doctor snapped irritably.

He turned Mr. Game and Watch into Snow White, and by that I mean now he isn't black anymore.

"BEEP! **Oh, the humanity!**"

He turned Captain Falcon into Prince Charming, and Samus into Sleeping Beauty.

"Since when am I charming?"

"Snore…"

He turned poor Bowser into Alice in Wonderland, for one reason or another.

"I don't like this dress. It makes my butt look big,"

Ness was turned into one of the Three Little Pigs with Kirby.

"Oink-oink,"

Mewtwo was sadly turned into Merlin.

"I'm a psychic, not a sorcerer, you addled-brained nincompoop!"

"Hmm…we're short a few roles! Of course, Zelda is in that cage. Hmm…how would you two like to be King Arthur?" Evil Author Sam asked. Blazing Fool turned around.

"But then I'd have to replace Flamer with a stupid old sword that got itself stuck in a rock…"

"Hmm, you have a point there. Wait, what am I saying! Goodbye!" Evil Author Sam snapped, changing Blazing Fool into King Arthur.

"NOOO! The movie stunk!"

"Now I need two step sisters for Cinderella…" he said, grinning as he set his sights on Elfbrat and Xiao Dark-Cloud.

"Hmm…Xiao I like, but Elfbrat doesn't have the capacity to be ruthless. Where's Urby and the others?" Evil Author Sam asked.

"They're running the office," said Elfbrat.

"Oh well. I'll make do with you," he sighed, turning the two into evil step sisters.

"And now I need one more little pig…" said Evil Author Sam turning to Totallystrange.

"No way Jose. If I'm gonna turn into a pig, I'll go down fighting!" He took out his machine gun, and was about to use it, when it was turned into Mary Poppins' umbrella.

"HAHA! This little piggy went to the market!" Evil Author Sam cackled, and Totallystrange was turned into a little piglet.

"Hmm…I need a fairy godmother…" Evil Author Sam mused. Two loud, resounding claps were heard.

"Yo! Gingerbread man, over here!"

"What do you want? I turned them all into my minions, I'll do the same to you! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he cackled.

"What makes you think I'm giving you time to use your powers? Your ass is mine!" she roared, grabbing a grappling hook and reeling him in.

He broke out of it and began running.

"Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm Evil Author Sam!" he snickered.

"I'll show you what happens to people who muscle their way into my stories!" she leaped on top of Sam and began beating him up.

All she had time for was one solid punch to the mouth before Evil Author Sam pushed her to the ground and tied her up.

"HAHA! As soon as I turn Roy into something, I'm done!" he cheered.

Roy, who had previously been watching in horror as his comrades were turned into deformed fairy tale characters, tried to wriggle away. Evil Author Sam grabbed him, about to turn him into something horrible…

Marth Is Still Alive… 

I was watching the news.

"Alert! Alert! HyperMew here with an alert! Close your windows! Lock your doors! Baton down the hatches! Evil Author Sam is on the loose in Smash Mansion, kidnapping Caliban the Wizard to gain access and use her fanfiction account! Marth, you'd better get down there and save the day!" she urged. I simply turned off the TV, and went to close the window when I saw Zelda dangling precariously from a cage hanging on the wall opposite to me.

"Zelda!" I asked. I couldn't believe my eyes.

"Go save everyone! AND GET ME DOWN from here!" she called.

"People have been urging me all chapter. Fine. You happy now?" I grumbled, closing the window and changing into my armor. Grabbing Falchion, I ran downstairs.

Back in the Crisis Situation… 

I charged downstairs just in time to see Roy about to be turned into the Beast from Beauty in the Beast.

"Oh look! It's Beauty!" Evil Author Sam cheered, letting go of the transformed Roy. "Won't you play as well? I'm nearly finished."

"Oh, you want me to play Beauty? Well, that's love- Wait, what am I saying? You're evil! I don't want any part of you! You're going down."

"If you don't want to play…" Evil Author Sam began, with an eerily calm voice "THEN LET'S DANCE! Hansel, Gretel, some waltz music, if you please?"

They went over to the living room's sound system, and turned on waltz music.

Weary of the nonsense, I charged over with Falchion in hand. Evil Author Sam didn't seem phased.

When I'd reached him, I was about to plunge the sword into his neck but then he grabbed me, placing an arm onto his hip in a waltz position.

"So glad you wanted to dance!" he said.

"What is this, you sick freak!" I tried using my sword arm but one of his minions took it away.

"If you don't agree to this little dance, I'll just turn you into Beauty! With a frilly dress! And then you can't save the day!"

I gritted my teeth. No sword, no weapons, no allies…

Okay, what do evil random authors hate the most? Non-evil, non-random things, I suppose. But what was the most non-evil, non-random thing ever?

A smile? Too ineffective.

A gift basket? Too expensive.

A kiss? Too cliché.

I know!

"Thank you!" I said.

"Thank you! That's not random at all! It's not evil either! Hmm…not bad, but you'll have to do better than that," Evil Author Sam said.

"Okay, how about a hug?" I gave him a hug so crushing, he couldn't breathe.

"Also not bad! But…not…enough!" he choked.

"Okay then! Candy! Have some candy! Here's a chocolate bar! Have some sugary fruit juice!"

"GAH! Losing…evil…power…!"

"This is my teddy bear, Mr. Cuddly! He's got a best friend named Mr. Fluffy! And he has a sister named Mrs. Muffin, who has an auntie named-"

"Okay, okay! That's…enough. My god! Thoughtful compliments, cute stuffed animals, SHARING! It's all too much to handle! Need…more…hate…I…I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!"

And so, Evil Author Sam left the building, the area, and at last, Caliban's account.

"Okay, using my majestic good-guy author powers, I return everything to the way it was suppose to be!" said Caliban. That meant Zelda was out of her cage, the Smashers were themselves again, Roy was still on fire, and no one remembered anything but me. Oh, and the broken chandelier was fixed again.

"Boss, I thought you were against self-inserts," said Blazing Fool.

"I am. But this isn't a self-insert. Our well-beings were put at stake. A self-insert is WAY more serious. Normally whole characters are wiped from existence," she replied. "Now let's get out of here before the Hands come out of their office. I'm not supposed to be here until Poker Night."

And with that, Caliban the Wizard and the members of SSBECF returned to their secret headquarters.

"Oh man…what just happened?" one Smasher asked, rubbing their heads.

"Uh…we were trampling each other to get to the sumo game? Oh, and Zelda was going to go get snacks. And Roy, you're coming with me. We need to get that the fire down," I said. I dragged Roy out of the living room, as people began going about their business as usual.

And I never had to save the day again. At least, until the Easter Bunny swore revenge against chocolate bunnies…

**_Author's Notes: Why didn't Marth have any first person stuff? How come I was in there, but I didn't use my cool author powers until the end? WHERE WAS URBY? I'd love to answer that, but…I have to answer reviews! _**

**Reviews: Now with More Tesla and Alannah! **

**Doubledude: Yeah. You should see my addiction to sugar. Now THAT'S scary. **

**Demon of the Black Fire: Wow, great job you logged in! I never do that in reviews…**

**MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Bet that made you happy. **

**Well, allergies weren't QUITE what I had in mind for Fox and Falco…**

**Urby: I WILL MAKE A SHEIK CHAPTER! I must. I absolutely must. I mean, Sheik is like the only smart one sometimes, when everyone else goes crazy. She deserves a bigger part…**

**Man, you're so right about President Dubya probably being an illiterate. Face it folks, he's an idiot. Slack jawed, maybe. After Iraq for it's oil, yes. Seriously, why don't they just add Iraq to the American map and be done with it? And Mr. Game and Watch is now 100 percent smarter after being in spelling school. **

**Tesla: YES! SOMEONE ELSE IS BI! **

**Shut up, Tesla, just because someone likes shoujo-ai and is not a boy does NOT make them bi. It makes them les. **

**Urby: Oh GIVE ME A BREAK HERE! I was just kidding about that! You DO know what kidding means, right?**

**Alannah: It's a well known fact Caliban can't take a joke. She punches or tells people off if they tell a joke. And she actually thought you were serious about Gnome and Celsius, that's why she's staying after class to write lines. **

**It's probably a Sheena and Zelos, anyways. **

**Well, see you! **

**Xiao Dark-Cloud: School's making me busy as well. It's making me so busy that I could have homework assigned to do at three in the morning because my day is so full of work. No, I'm not an insomniac! **

**HAHA! Another milk lover, like Urby! I fund the got milk commercials, not Young Link! **

**AshRB: Milk will not moo, I guarantee it. There's not a drop of milk in this world that can moo. That contest is a hoax, a HOAX I say! **

**Totallystrange: I hope this chapter was random enough for you. But…maybe it has a plot line. Like, he took over my account. Oh, and Peach, she needs to go see Toadsworth! That wasn't just for the chapter you know? I'm planning to make it next chapter. Or the one after that, who knows? **

**Hmm…quest. That's a good one…**

**OH MAN! I'd love to see that. Talking in Japanese so much other people are pissed off! Hoo. Hmm…as a writer who entertains you, Totallystrange, I was wondering…**

**How do you read fanfiction! I'm serious! Yes, it's a dreaded question but it's been killing me…You always manage to review too! Maybe you're some kind of super-cool superhero that can SENSE the letters! Man, that would be cool…**

**RoyalFanatic: Man, that made me laugh. Marth, that's right, you'd better be scared. **

**Elfbrat: OH GROSS! Chewing tile grout soak in milk, that is NASTY! Man, that was just…You sucked the life right out of me with that one. **

**Simpson's Hit and Run…I've played that like once, and it was pretty retarded, no offence. Wait, was it that racing game where you take people places and run Gil over? Ah…I love running Gil over…**

**Blazing Fool: CRAP! You ratted on me. Now I'm going to have Auron fan-girls running me over…**

**AAEEEIII! Don't hurt me Tidus. I've only looked at a few pictures of Yuna…what? They were from FFX-2! **

**No, there is not an anti-Blazing Fool fan club. If there was, you'd be simply a tombstone and a mound of earth. That's right. The fan club would kill you, not hurt you. Just be glad you've still got Flamer, your beloved flamethrower. **

**ACK! B6 IS REAL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CORN POPS! FROOT LOOPS! HONEY NUT CHEERIOS! **

**Mewlon: A peony is a girly pink flower found in the Far East more than anywhere else. **

**NOT LIKE YUNSUNG? HOW COULD YOU NOT! Raphael I understand but YUNSUNG? Hmm…now that I think about his stupid 'FOR THE COUNTRY!' drivel, I can see why…Ah well. At least he's a looker. **

**Yeah, I guess I caused a little Ocarina of Time-Majora's Mask confusion. Don't get me wrong, I've played them both, and beaten them like a million times but…**

**Thanks, I will keep up the good work! **

**Yoshizilla: Man, that is FUNNY! I like that…Pekerdine. Screw the Peppy A, Peppy K stuff, that's WAY funnier! You've got chops…**

**AGH! Banjo-Tooie! I haven't even finished Banjo-Kazooie, I'm so embarrassed about that! Like, I've played them but I never got around to beating them. So, who the heck is Mister Patch? **

**Well, whatever. This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out. **


	12. Peach's Party! Christmas Special!

**as Caliban's Chattering: **

**I've de-evil authored my computer, so now you can enjoy this special SSBECF chapter without interruptions! **

**Disclaimer:**

**Shigeru: So when can I expect you over again? **

**Probably tomorrow. I really want to own Super Smash Brothers Melee. **

**Shigeru: Okay. I'll have the guards read hard-core fighting manga. **

**Uh…well, okay. I don't own Super Smash Brother Melee. Happy now? Please don't sic the guards on me! **

_**Peach's Fancy-Pants Gala!**_

It was an ordinary morning at the mansion. I'd woken up first, as usual, with a very excited feeling about today. Something fantastically wonderful should happen today, I thought.

I'd left before breakfast under the guise that I was leaving for the poor ill Toadsworth, and began instantly planning this super special event.

It should be a humongous, flashy, frilly, Link-Gets-Gussied-Up event, one people would be talking about for the ages. A New Year's Party? A Yuletide Dance? A Winter Ball?

No, this was going to be bigger. A Christmas Gala! That was it! It would be enormous! I'd invite thousands of people from thousands of different places to wear silly extravagant clothing and stand around awkwardly!

Oh look everyone! It's Teddy Pennington's Party Outlet!

I quickly scurried inside.

Oh, those Smashers won't know what hit them!

**Meanwhile…**

It was an ordinary afternoon at the SSBECF complex. Urby and Blazing Fool were in fierce competition at Dance-Dance Revolution, RoyalFanatic was devising the best paper airplane to annoy the newly-drafted Ash RB, who was hard at work doing important paperwork. Doubledude and Totallystrange were busy showing the newbie Yoshizilla how to operate a fire-arm without accidentally shooting his own arm off. Elfbrat and Xiao were busy trying to kill each other off in Super Smash Brother- uh…I mean some other fighting game unrelated to the story…

"Dance till you can't dance any more!" Urby said, between pants as her feet were blurs on Standard mode.

"WHOO! YEAH! Feel the burn! This is so much better than Tales of Symphonia, huh Urby?" Blazing Fool asked, also putting up a real fight with a 279-combo.

"Are you kidding! This is my first time playing this game! All the eye-feet co-ordination came from the victory dance after I beat Tales of Symphonia!" she replied.

"Okay, just bend the wings a little…" RoyalFanatic began. She flew the airplane, and as it soared through the air majestically, it landed right where Ash RB was writing her last and most important signature.

"HA-HA! SCORE!" RoyalFanatic cheered, and began doing a soccer-style victory dance.

Ash RB snapped the pen in her hand in two, neatly like a machine broke it.

"HA! That's supposed to scare me? My Kratos Pur-well, actually, my Presea Pink since Urby and me traded nail polish…Look, the point is I have more strength in my PINKY TOE than you have in your who-o-o….whole…body," RoyalFanatic could only stand as the enraged Ash RB took out a bazooka.

"Well, you see, the thing is…" RoyalFanatic began, sweat pouring down all the way to her ankles.

"No, no, you have to pull the trigger first before you push the tab!" Doubledude snapped.

"Relax…it's just a gun. Hey, I think I have it!" Yoshizilla cheered, pushing the tab with the trigger out. It was SO close to impaling Totallystrange that his sunglasses were knocked off. He simply took out another pair, and fired a warning shot at Yoshizilla, who paled.

"Make sure you don't do that again," was all he said. Yoshizilla paled slightly and carried on.

"Oh yeah! Oh yeah! C'mon Link! Work that sword!" Xiao cheered, as she was currently in the lead.

"Feh! Kirby, it's hammering time!" Elfbrat urged, and soon the tables were turned.

Yesiree, it was just another day at the complex. But before Urby could give Blazing Fool a humiliating defeat, or RoyalFanatic could be bazooka-ed into mincemeat, or Yoshizilla met with a similar fate, or Xiao every had a chance for a rematch, Demon of the Black Fire walked in, wearing her usual black secretary suit and holding a clipboard, looking very professional.

"Alright, folks, we've got a mission," Demon of the Black Fire said. Everyone dropped everything and rushed her.

"YEEEEAAAAH! Finally! It's been ages since I've been out of the office!" Urby cheered, doing a victory dance.

"Whew! I'm still alive!" RoyalFanatic breathed a sigh of relief.

"You came just in time. Had you come in just a second later…" Doubledude pointed to successive holes in the wall shaped mysteriously like Yoshizilla's silhouette. Totallystrange stood in front of it, and then whipped around, blushing like he'd been caught red-handed.

"Just be glad there's something left," Blazing Fool replied.

"This is silly. So anyways, I have a mission for the SSBECF," she continued.

"What is it, Demon of the Black Fire?" Elfbrat asked.

"Compose yourself!" Demon of the Black Fire said, turning on the television.

"This is HyperMew the hyper kitty here with an urgent news report! Resident Shop-a-holic Princess Peach Toadstool was last seen planning an event of gargantuan sizes, bursting into Teddy Pennington's Party Outlet and taking the cash register by storm. She has also sent out invitations to video games as far out as the Fire Emblem line of games! That place is light-years from here! So this party is going to be a humongous, flashy, frilly, Kirby-Gets-A-Heart-Attack sort of thing! On with the monkey suits men…" HyperMew began.

All the guys in the world groaned with irritation.

"Dust out those tiaras ladies…"

The ladies in the video game world broke into twitters about make-up.

"Take off the stupid hat, Link…"

Link shoved the hat down his forehead protectively.

"Because it's a CHRISTMAS GALA!" HyperMew screamed into the mike.

The whole world began cheering.

"Jingle-bell, Jingle-bell rock…" was heard from Caliban's office.

"I'd better go buy a new dress!" Zelda gasped, and ran out of the room.

"I'd better go buy an actual dress!" Samus gasped, and followed suit.

Marth and Roy didn't answer, but the clear disappointment and dread was palpable.

"We're going to die, you know that? Once YOUR girlfriend and MY best friend are through they might as well pick up what's left of our corpses with tweezers," Roy groaned.

"I guess Sheeda wasn't too happy about what she saw on Free Day…" Marth replied quietly. They both shared a look and collapsed promptly.

Mario and Luigi looked at each other with dark looks on their faces, along with the rest of the male population in the mansion.

"Tuxedoes…." They all groaned, with looks of doom on their faces.

The androgynous people of the house, such as the Pokemon people THINK are males, breathed a sigh of relief, while the females were in a twitter about what dresses they were going to wear.

Back at the compound, there were collective groans from everyone, regardless of gender.

"I HATE dressing up!" RoyalFanatic complained "It usually means spending ages at some overpriced boutique looking for a certain shade of lipstick or something!"

"Hey, at least you've got a cool uniform. Think about how I feel wearing a suit to work everyday!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped.

"Man, my credit card is kaput already! This is completely unfair!" Urby snapped.

"We've got a fund in this place, you know…" Blazing Fool said.

"Of course. Blazing Fool, you're already in trouble for five counts of embezzlement! Seems you've been using the fund to pay off credit card debts…" Blazing Fool simply looked away.

Elfbrat and Xiao didn't look mad at all.

"Okay, first let's book a hairdresser and then a manicurist and then a pedicurist…"

"PAY ATTENTION! I've already gotten clever and well-thought out disguises for the lot of you," said Demon of the Black Fire.

"Oh great…monkey suits…" Doubledude spat bitterly.

"Oh, don't worry. No monkey suits, promise. Tuxedoes, however…okay, Jordan! Hold him down while I get him into his suit!" Demon of the Black Fire cried. Out of nowhere, a muscle-bound, body-guard looking fellow stepped out of a corner and held Doubledude down in such a way that you could see anything, only Demon of the Black Fire disappearing behind Jordan and sounds of a struggle.

Five minutes later, Doubledude was released, wearing a fancy, tasteful black tuxedo and looking absolutely miserable.

Blazing Fool and Totallystrange paled and quietly tried to back out of the room, whacking into Jordan.

"Okay, Jordan, hold down totallystrange first! He's the dangerous one!" Demon of the Black Fire said, and Jordan held down totallystrange.

"GAH! NO! Hey, get your hand out of there, you pervert. Ow, who ever told you an elbow could bend that way? OW! No, touch me with that and die-ARGH!"

That was all you could hear, and in no time at all totallystrange was in a tuxedo, half-dead from the amazing struggle he pulled, his sunglasses broken and dangling precariously on one ear.

"Okay, now Urby!" Demon of the Black Fire ordered.

Two female body guards walked up to Urby, held her down, struggling so much Demon of the Black Fire had to hold her down as well while dressing her.

"You'll never get me into that red number alive!" Urby snapped, thrashing "I have rights! And Caliban's lawyer!"

"So? I AM a lawyer, thank you. Now shut up and get into the dress," Demon of the Black Fire ordered.

Clearly it wasn't a choice, and so Urby was now in a fancy red dress, not looking happy at all.

And so soon all the SSBECF members were dressed in fancy, elegant clothing.

"Oh, yes! I just remembered! No dangerous weapons while you're there. That means, no guns Urby, no lasso Elfbrat, no flamethrower Blazing-actually, it doesn't matter whether you bring it or not because you're not going," Demon of the Black Fire stated.

"WHAT? Why not? I'm second in command here, plus the voice of reason!" he argued.

"If you WERE actually Blazing Fool, that would be true. But you're possessed by an evil spirit right now and I need to exorcise you ASAP. Which means no gala for either of us," Demon of the Black Fire replied.

Blazing Fool's eyes glowed suspiciously red as he argued "I'm not possessed! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"

"You nailed Keba to the ceiling! It'll be ages before we find out WHICH ceiling you nailed her to, much less actually getting her down!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped back.

On the Ceiling of the White House's Executive Board Room, Currently Empty… 

"Hello? Hello? HELLOOO? I'm ready for the gala now! Someone please get me down from here! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!" Keba screamed, dressed in a fancy royal blue dress.

At the Smash Mansion… 

Yes, this is Peach. The hardest part about the Christmas Gala, wasn't finding a ballroom big enough or caterers. It was getting people dressed. Currently, there were still quite a few people who needed to get dressed.

"Just give us the hat and you won't get hurt!" Fox said. There was a crowd around Link.

"I'm not taking off the hat, okay! The hat stays on the head!" Link argued, shoving the hat even lower on his head.

"Off with the darn hat already!" Mario snapped "Luigi and I already did!"

"Yeah! I had to take off my reflector! What makes your hat so special? I always thought it made you look like one of Santa's Little Elves anyways," said Dr. Mario.

"Actually, for the elves there's a timeshare. Some days we're the Kokiri, other days we're Santa's Little Elves, other days the little Shoemaker Gnomes, and the last part is for Lord of the Rings Elves. Oh, and the Fudgee Cookie Gnomes, those too," Link said "And the hat stays in all those roles. Well, except for when I was Legolas…"

"Wait a sec. YOU were Legolas?" Zelda asked.

"You should know. You were Arwen," Link replied.

"Oh yeah…" Zelda mused.

The Smashers all began a group discussion about Link's many fans until…

"JUST GIVE ME THE DARN HAT!" I snapped suddenly. This was odd, for I'm usually calm and often even magnanimous, but I was at the end of my rope for Link's hat; he was as stubborn as a rock.

The room was quiet. Link silently forked over the hat, his trademark, and all his hair spilled out onto his shoulders.

"This sucks! I hate it when I don't get my way…" Link snapped.

As soon as that problem had ended, another arose.

The crowd had gathered around the caterers, who all held huge boxes that smelled wonderful.

"Give us the food!" Ness yelled.

One of the caterers was whipping around a bag full of doorknobs and hit Ness directly, who landed like a sack of flour thrown on the foyer floor.

"Anyone else wanna be a hero?"

They all backed away.

"Oh, wonderful. The caterers have checked off the goods. Hmm…Everything looks to be in order. Thank you. Now deliver this to the Smashing Hotel, Crowne Plaza, 14 Smashing Road," I said.

The caterers looked threateningly at Pichu who had tried to tail them.

"Back away creampuff. We've killed off rats twice your size," the caterers said. Pichu whimpered with fear and backed away.

Soon, we'd somehow managed to get everyone ready for the gala. Now it was time to pack everyone into the van, since we were too short on time for anything else.

"I call window seat!" Fox said. Many people grumbled furiously.

I opened the door.

"Okay, everyone form a single-file line into-" Some people had already jumped inside in a chance for an available window seat.

More people, who were, needless to say, ticked off at this and had also attempted to pile in.

Some struggling occurred.

"Hey! My seat!"

"No, my seat!"

"OW!"

"HEY!"

"Someone has three seconds to remove their hands from my posterior or bad things will happen."

"You're ruining my hair!"

"Oh, blah-blah your needs. What about mine?"

"All you people are selfish and stupid."

After that, I grew so annoyed I took out an air horn and blasted it as loud as possible. Everyone fell out of the car like soggy noodles.

"Listen up! Everyone had better get in a line into the car in a civilized fashion or I'll see to it none of you are allowed inside. Nor will any of you have breakfast the morning after. Understand?" I asked.

Everyone paled, got in line, and filed into the van until the sides literally expanded.

"Okay then! Hit it!" I told the driver, and slowly but surely, the van began slowly trundling towards the hotel.

"This is HyperMew the hyper kitty, here live at the Smashing Hotel, where the flashy, frilly, humongous, Link-Gets-Gussied-Up Gala is taking place! Oh, look now! There are the Smashers themselves! Now to my partner, Celebi, who's helping out with the reporting! Hi Celebi!" said the reporter, excitedly, who was dressed in a fancy black outfit and looking cheerful for the world.

"Hi HyperMew! It's me, Celebi, the one and only time-traveling Pokemon. I've looked into the future and, oh look! It's Mario and Luigi!" Celebi said excitedly.

Mario and Luigi strutted onto the red carpet, felling like a million bucks, wearing identical tuxedoes except the silk band on the fronts were red and green respectively.

"Ah…the classic stars of Mario. And would you look at that? Donkey Kong and Bowser have made their entrances!" HyperMew said, smiling.

The two walked onto the red carpet, waving to the crowd and getting innumerable cheers.

"Donkey Kong's all dressed up in his best red tie and matching red shirt, and Bowser's polished his horns and worn his crown. Look at the attention to detail on the horns. It really shows," said Celebi.

"Yes indeed. And here come Shocker and Zap-er, I mean Pikachu and Pichu! Don't they look adorable!" HyperMew gushed.

Pikachu and Pichu waddled onto the red carpet, their theme song playing, posing to the absolutely rabid fans. Both were wearing tiny black bowties and sunglasses.

"Not as cute as Jigglypuff! YEAH! JIGGLYPUFF!" Celebi cheered, as Jigglypuff walked onto the red carpet, wearing a hilarious hot pink feather boa and rose-colored glasses shaped like stars, people clapping and screaming for a song.

"Can someone say 'METROID'? Here comes Samus and lookin' mighty fine at that!" HyperMew said, as Samus walked out, or rather, pushed out onto the red carpet, looking awkward in a dress at all, much less a silky white one, as the guys in the crowd cheered.

"Oh, it's Ness and Kirby! Looks like Ness has officially ditched the baseball cap, looking smart in a Tuxedo-Mini from the Smashing Line of Clothing! And oh my. Look's like Kirby's swallowed Pierce Brosnan, dashing in a little white bowtie," said Celebi.

They walked onto the red carpet, smiling and waving, with a few 'WE LOVE EARTHBOUND!' signs.

"Here comes the Fire Emblem team, long-time fan-girl favorites, looking suave in some pretty fancy armor! Looking sixteenth century, guys!" HyperMew said.

"Oh no, HyperMew, Camera Guy, duck! Here comes the fan-girl stampede!" Celebi cried, as he ducked low. Several screams were heard as a horde of fans trampled Marth and Roy right on the red carpet.

"HELP!" they yelled, as they were carried away. No one paid attention.

"Don't worry! Here come Link and Young Link to save your bacon, looking snappy in some white tuxedoes!"

Link and his Mini-Me ran onto the red carpet…and then ran off it, towards where the fan-girls were keeping the Fire Emblem Team trapped in a cage. They broke open the cage and all ran into the hotel before the fans could kill the whole lot.

"Whew! Talk about some drama and keep going, because here comes Zelda-as-Sheik and Ganondorf! Wait, what? Ah, who cares, they aren't killing each other so whatever," said HyperMew.

Ganondorf walked onto the red carpet wearing black armor with Sheik beside him, wearing a super-cool ninja outfit. Sheik transformed into Zelda, who was wearing a powder blue evening dress.

The fans wouldn't shut up. No, really.

"Okay, due to fan viciousness, we'll continue with Mr. Game and Watch, along with Mewtwo, two secret characters who took forever to get, both wearing bowties! YAY!" Celebi cheered. Mewtwo used Confusion on Celebi so she would shut up, and then walked onto the red carpet.

The crowd went wild, and even pushed down the bars holding them back.

Mewtwo and Mr. Game and Watch had to run inside, er…float inside as fast as they could to escape.

"Well, that was weird. Hopefully Captain Falcon, dressed in a cool racing suit with the darn visor finally off, will calm the fans down!" HyperMew said.

He waved to the crowd and blew a few kisses, running inside before the crowd tried to eat him alive.

"Ugh…I hate Confusion! Well, here's Fox and Falco, dressed in spiffy tuxedoes, everyone's favorite adventurers-for-hire, here to turn this party wild!" Celebi cheered, as Fox and Falco waved all the way into the building.

"The Ice Climbers! Nana and Popo sure look adorable in limited addition parkas, huh, Celebi?" HyperMew asked.

"They sure do, HyperMew," Celebi replied.

"Now here comes Yoshi, and that red bowtie is absolutely adorable!" HyperMew gushed, as Yoshi walked on, making a peace-sign with his fingers, as the crowd clapped and cheered.

"Hakuna Matata with Yoshi, huh? Well, Dr. Mario, the medicine maestro, sure won't chill the crowd out! Famous here, there, and everywhere, and all in an awesome silk lab coat," Celebi said, as Dr. Mario walked onto the red carpet, waving as the crowd went nuts, kind of like in a soccer game.

"And last but not least, here's Peach!" HyperMew said cheerfully, as I walked out of the van at last, wearing a cream-colored dress with the little foam around my arms, and walked onto the red carpet.

The crowd cheered, and one fan had a 'Princess Peach 4EVER!' sign. I smiled as best as I could and walked into the building.

The ballroom looked stunning, to say the least, decorated as a Christmas Gala should with mistletoe and tinsel and an enormous Christmas tree and such. Everything was made of marble and glass, the chandeliers were beautiful glass ones, each one twinkling like diamonds.

The cream-colored marble floor seemed to spread out to forever, with tasteful, spindly black tables and chairs lining the room. There were two large tables laden with every kind of food imaginable, and even a glass Santa Claus statue. Ballroom dancing music was on as the guests were spread out, and thoroughly enjoying themselves.

Marth and Roy were in a balcony, chatting the night away when two female shadows were cast on the balcony's marble floor.

"O-o-oh boys…" said a female voice. Marth turned around first, and was the first to officially have all the blood drain completely out of his face with shock.

Sheeda and Lillina stood on the balcony, Sheeda wearing a magenta dress, Lillina wearing a royal blue one, looking like they were absolutely livid.

Roy turned around as well, and also paled.

"Heh-hello ladies…" Marth said "My…you look l-lovely today…"

Sheeda grabbed Marth by the lapels and dragged him so close their noses were touching.

"Can it, lover boy. We've got things to talk about," she growled "But first, let's go for a walk. Yes, a nice long walk is just what we need." She dragged him off, away into a long, quiet hallway.

"You too, Sir Kiss-A-Lot," Lillina snapped, and dragged Roy out of the ballroom.

Needless to say they were both going to have the tar beaten out of them.

I only saw the duo struggling out of the ladies' iron grips as they were dragged right out of the gala.

Suddenly, I bumped into a short, stout man who was wearing an olive green suit with a horrid orange tie.

"Professor Peppy! How are you doing this evening?" I asked.

"Just fine, my dear, doing just fine. Samus and I completed our community service fixing the town," he replied.

Yoshi walked over, looking and walking just like a teenaged human, actually, which I by some chance hadn't noticed before, exactly like one, wearing a tux and his flaming red hair spiked violently. In fact, the only way I realized he was Yoshi was his face which stayed the same.

"Yo, cool party!" he said.

"Yoshi?" I asked, bemused beyond belief.

"I got me a cool Yo-Translator Medallion. Now I have my own voice actor, and look human. Smooth," he said. "This is my pal, Peppy Ankylosaurus…" he said, pointing to a yellow Yoshi-like creature, who also, by some chance, looked like a human…with blond hair.

"Peppy Ankylosaurus…?" I asked slowly, shifting my gaze to the near-two dimensional professor who was sweating down to his ankles.

"I suppose I do owe you an explanation…" the professor began, dabbing his head with a soiled white hanky "But…hey, look over there! A group of felonious mercenaries dropping from the sky!"

True to his word, the SSBECF crashed through the glass skylight hanging by ropes, with a single 'OW! I got glass in my arms!' from Xiao.

They dropped gracefully onto the ground.

They all opened their licenses.

"We're SSBECF, the smart-talking, butt-kicking, and now sexy-looking group of mercenaries!" Urby said.

"Ye verily!" they all agreed.

The guests at the gala were held aghast as the mercenaries stood on the marble floor, which was mysteriously glass-free, until a few patrons stood forward in mild curiosity.

"Hey, cool. We've got some real-live mercenaries," one patron said.

"How about you go grab some punch while you crash the party?" another patron asked.

"Would you like to dance?" someone asked Elfbrat, who was dressed in a fancy dark-green dress. She blushed and nodded.

The Smashers could only stand utterly mortified as their arch-enemies mingled like pros.

Meanwhile, OUTSIDE the party, a whole other plot was unfolding.

"BWA HA HA! I'm Samuel, the evil author-nemesis of the SSBECF and Caliban! Now, Joshua, Christopher, is everything in place?" Evil Author Samuel asked.

"Yes, everything is in place," said Evil Artist Joshua.

"In exactly one hour this whole place will blow sky-high," said Evil Singer Christopher, pointing to the countless packs of firecracker dynamite placed on the foundations of the hotel.

"Hopefully an hour is long enough. Now, Evil Singer Christopher, I want you to wow the crowd. Make sure everyone is distracted long enough for the hour to pass. If they lose interest any sooner, I'll come in and raise some hell. We'll make sure this is the worst party of the century!" Evil Author Sam snickered malignantly.

Back Inside the Hotel… 

Fox and Falco were currently running amok in the ball room, both holding an electric Pokemon, either Pikachu or Pichu, in an attempt to shock each other.

Kirby was eating everything with in a five mile radius, and the rest were mingling, basically.

Marth and Roy were getting beat up by their angry female counterparts.

"Can't-OW-we-OW-just-OW-talk-OW-this-OW-out? OW!" Marth yelled.

"NO!" Sheeda snapped "How can we talk out you cheating on me with ROY of all people? I thought you and him were worst friends/best enemies! AND YOU KISSED HIM TOO!"

"Okay-OW-that-OW-I-OW-understand. OW-But-OW-why-OW-are-OW-you-OW-beating me-OW-up-OW-for-OW-Lillina? OW! You're not my girlfriend, OW!" Roy screeched.

Lillina stopped for a second, and then began pummeling him even worse than before.

"Because, you RETARD, you're my best friend! That's why!" Lillina snapped.

"BUT IT WAS A HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING!" both men yelled "OWWW!"

At this, both women actually stopped.

"How was it a misunderstanding?" they asked. Marth and Roy sat up.

"It's a long story…" said Marth.

"We're not going anywhere," Lillina replied.

And so both boys began the huge explanation of their so-called relationship. In other words, it was a successive string of bad luck and being at the wrong place at the wrong time with your hands definitely in the wrong places.

Mario and Luigi were busy wowing the crowd with their adventures, when on the stage at the front of the room was a microphone, a spotlight, and someone singing up there, with a song that DIDN'T make you fall asleep. In fact, the crowd was hopping, and at further observation, so were the brothers.

"Who is this singer? He's got everyone at the party going along with the song!" Mario said.

"I haven't the foggiest idea! Let's get out of here!" Luigi replied, and not even their Mario Power ability could get them out of the ballroom and into the courtyard.

I saw them leave and followed them, since I didn't really like the song, and gasped at what I saw.

Meanwhile, SSBECF were crowded around the food table. Urby got her thirteenth proposal to dance, totallystrange and Doubledude were killing the food table, getting into silly fights with Kirby over the roast chicken, Xiao was busy picking glass out of her velveteen purple dress and no one saw Elfbrat too often because she was dancing so much.

Finally, Kirby winning the roast chicken was the last straw for totallystrange.

"That's it. I'm stealing the food. You with me, doubledude?" totallystrange asked. Doubledude agreed.

"I'd love to, but we don't have any weapons, and this sort of thing usually requires extortion…" Doubledude said.

"We've got a whole room of projectiles. I only need a candy cane. Go get one," totallystrange said. Doubledude tore a plastic candy cane off the wall and handed it to totallystrange, who tossed it in such a way it hit right on target-Kirby's mouth.

Kirby munched on the plastic candy cane and promptly gained a stomach ache, rushing to the bathroom, leaving doubledude and totallystrange blissfully alone with a table laden with foodstuffs.

"SCORE!" they both yelled and high-fived each other.

Back with Peach… 

I could hardly believe my eyes. Firecrackers, enough to blow the hotel at least sixty feet into the air, were set along the foundation of the hotel.

"Ah-ah! Naughty girl, stumbling upon our plan like that!" said a British-sounding voice as eerie and menacing as another voice I'd once heard.

"You're planning to ruin my party, and I'm not going to let you!" I snapped.

"Well, then I'll just have to lock you up, won't I?" he asked, facing me. "I'm Evil Artist Josh, and you're going to lose." He took out a sketchbook, and the page smoked as he drew a picture so fast. He showed a picture of me, with a surprised look on my face, with me suddenly in a cage, rattling the bars.

I looked and suddenly I was really in a cage.

"What is this?" I demanded.

"My mysterious evil artist powers!" he said cheerfully. "Now be good and stay in the cage. I have other matters to attend to."

Back inside the party, things were even worse.

Everyone had turned into the equivalent of zombies, stand and moving side-to-side mechanically with blank faces.

"You must be some kind of evil singer-type person! Well, whatever your twisted scheme is it won't work!" Luigi snapped.

"Sharp, aren't you? I'm Evil Singer Chris, and I've got a perfectly painful tongue-twister for you!" he said "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled PECKERS!"

"GAH! MY EARS ARE BLEEDING! What is this?" Luigi screeched.

"My perfectly painful evil singer powers will have you howling for mercy! The big black bug bled black BLUG!"

That mistake in the tongue twister was so bad it had the pain coming off in palpable waves. Luigi had to cover his bleeding ears.

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck COULD?"

Luigi fainted. Now that tongue twister was just too easy to screw up like he did.

With the Smashers down and out, and me in a cage, and the SSBECF not given any incentive to do something like save the Gala, it was time for this big entrance that saves the day, affectionately dubbed the BGSD.

Blazing Fool, eyes still glowing red, fell through the skylight.

"What did I miss?" he asked. Demon of the Black Fire followed closely after.

"Blazing Fool, you know you're not supposed to be here!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped.

"Shut up or I'll eat your soul!" Blazing Fool hissed, dressed in his monkey suit and everything.

"Whoa…what happened here? GASP! The Evil Guys? They're unauthorized villains that need to be exterminated!" Demon of the Black Fire gasped.

"Looks like we need to drive those Evil Guys out!" Blazing Fool said.

"We're unarmed!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped back.

"Totallystrange always has some weapons," Blazing Fool said, eyes still glowing red, walking over to the SSBECF table.

"Guys, it's time to drive the Evil Guys out. Do you have a weapon?" Blazing Fool asked Totallystrange. Totallystrange opened his tux coat, revealing a bazillion guns and weapons. The SSBECF gathered around them in awe.

"Uzi or MK42?" he asked, grinning.

"These don't have any bullets in them!" Xiao complained.

"What are we suppose to shoot at them? Christmas ornaments?" Elfbrat asked.

"Hmm…" Urby mused, fixing her gaze on the huge Christmas tree. She grabbed one of the tiny ornament balls, stuffed it into the barrel of her revolver and shot it into a chandelier, which shattered.

"I think these will work alright," Urby said, smiling. Everyone rushed over to the Christmas tree, filling their guns with the ornament balls.

Totallystrange took out his beloved machine gun out from the back of his tux coat, filling it with ornaments, and charging the rifle.

"Totallystrange, you had all these guns with you, unauthorized, practically illegal carrying that many around…" Demon of the Black Fire began angrily.

"And you somehow don't have a flamethrower in there?" Blazing Fool finished, practicing with the gun. "I'm not bad with a gun, but I'm a flamethrower specialist and all that."

"Let's just do this," Urby said, charging for Evil Singer Chris and shooting him down so easily it was a wonder he was even strong at all.

People instantly snapped out of their hypnotized daze and went back to having their party.

Evil Author Sam, enraged, jumped into the room via an open window.

"Oh no you don't. In exactly five minutes this place will blow sky-high and I can't have you people ruining my plans!" he snapped. He took out his notebook and wrote something, reading aloud.

"And so Urby and her team of mercenaries had wasted all their Christmas Ornament ammo, leaving them utterly defenseless," Evil Author Sam narrated, and so it was.

"I don't understand why we don't have any cool powers beyond ass-whipping," Blazing Fool said sadly "Oh well. I can-" At this his face turned terrifyingly ghostly "-STILL EAT YOUR SOUL! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

Blazing Fool scared Evil Author Sam so badly that the evil author in question was forced to jump out the nearest open window.

"You may have won this round, mercenaries, but you're forgetting this place will still explode in the next sixty seconds and there's nothing you can do! BWA HA HA!" And so Evil Author Sam had escaped.

Every member of the SSBECF could only stand in horror as the hotel was about to explode. Every member, that is, but totallystrange.

He walked over to a wall, tearing off as many candy canes as possible, loading his machine gun and running outside to be the hero. Hey, everyone has their moments.

"Oh no you do-" Evil Artist Josh began, but was promptly shot down by totallystrange, dissipating the cage around me.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" he yelled, as he fired at exactly UNDERNEATH the pile of firecrackers.

But I knew that wouldn't be enough to save the day, so, attempting bravery, I kicked the firecrackers into the air.

They shot up into the air like they'd bounced on a trampoline, and exploded, harming no one and no hotels bouncing on their foundations.

"YEAH! Uh huh, uh huh, that's right. We saved the day!" I cheered, doing a soccer-like victory dance.

"What's this 'we' business? Oh, who cares. I'm going home," totallystrange said, looking rather irritable.

"Whew! I've never danced so much in my life!" Elfbrat sighed.

"I say we call for ramen for dinner today," Xiao said.

"What a complete waste of time this party was," Urby said.

"Hee…at least we got a little extra," Blazing Fool said, holding a sack that mysteriously looked like the table cloth from the food table, with the food bundled inside.

"I'm calling the chopper," said Demon of the Black Fire, and so the SSBECF left.

I looked at the food table and noticed it was completely bare.

"HEY, COME BACK! THIEVES!" I screamed.

Eventually everyone just ordered pizza and partied like no tomorrow.

Deals were made.

"'And this contract states that forever Marth and Roy will not engage in any promiscuous activity that is hurtful to their significant others'," said the contract Roy and Marth were forced to sign.

People had their fun.

"I can't even stand! This place is like a DDR convention once you get going," I said to Fox, who was struggling to keep me from falling after I'd danced the night away.

And the hotel had a whole bunch of jacked-up people in their ballroom, fast asleep, come dawn.

And I vowed never to have a crazy party again. Well, except for that time I organized a huge house party…

_**Author's Notes: Unnecessarily long chapter, I know. It was, admittedly, hard to write but after a while I just loosened up and had fun! Like Peach, almost. Heh, send in comments, WTFs and questions via review! **_

**Reviews: **

**Yeah, I took forever, I know. Please try not to kill me. Please? **

**People, as a not, this will be my last chapter in a long while. I've been banned from this comp so…**

**Urby: Ah…I'll miss you the most. Your dry wit, your long reviews…everything.**

**Man! That had me fooled…Gnome and Celsius…right.**

**Blazing Fool: AH! Don't nail me to the ceiling! Get exorcised! **

**Demon of the Black Fire: Uh…THANKS! YAYS! Fanart! **

**Totallystrange: Goodbye…I'll miss you the most. I'm banned from MSN as well! I'm going through great lengths to get this in…sorry if it's a little late, Niall! **

**Elfbrat: LOL, I played that game! I hope it's the one where grandpa snapped! **

**Fayt: Thanks! It warms my heart to get a good review…**

**RoyalFanatic: You make a good secretary!**

**I hope you liked your dress!**

**Xiao Dark-cloud: I'm even busier with my life sometimes…now it's literally impossible to write. **

**Yoshizilla: LOL, great ideas! I'll get it in, when my ban is off…**

**AshRB: Thanks for the review! **

**This is Caliban the Wizard, tearfully signing out! Goodbye y'all! **

**To all my loving readers: I was banned on Sunday, yup, and I probably won't be back any time soon…but I'll try. I'm sorry everyone, and I hope I didn't leave anyone out…Oh great! Now I'm crying! I hate long goodbyes! Please email, it might actually reach me, don't MSN, because yeah, I'm really banned. I might get in trouble as I type this! **


	13. Kirby and Pikachu Fantastical Tag Team!

**Caliban's Chattering:**

**YIKES! I could get in trouble for this…because I've not been banned from the site but the COMPUTER! Shocking, I know. But I care too much to just leave you all hanging, so here's a new chapter!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own, never will. But I'll still bug Shigeru. HA! **

**_The Smash Chopper! A Kirby and Pikachu Tag-Team! YAY!_**

Hey, it's Kirby, and man oh man, am I bored! There's nothing to do. The rec rooms are closed, and by closed, we mean that caterer with the chain is there; hired by the Hands to make sure no one walks in.

In the kitchens, they took away all our eating utensils, so of course, Marth and Zelda simply WILL NOT eat until they get a fork and knife and a silk napkin. It was hilarious seeing their eyes glow with envy as Link and Roy pretty much massacred the fridge.

Peach wasn't allowed to go shopping as she usually does. Ganondorf wasn't allowed to go gardening in the morning like always. And in Fox and Falco's room, the bathroom was closed.

Dr. Mario's clinic had a padlock on the knob, and we still haven't found Pikachu after she tried to go into the living room for the sumo match. Yeah, the living room is heavily guarded.

They've even closed the training hall!

People were in dark moods all day, and the worst part was, no one knew why this was happening. It was clear no one was to have fun today. But WHY?

Link, ever the hero, went over to the Hands in protest.

"I want to know why this is happening. We didn't destroy the town, there's no dangerous disease, and we're not fighting amongst ourselves. So we need a reason," Link said.

"We needed cash, so we pooled the money we usually get for video game activity into something you'll DEFINITELY all enjoy," was all Master Hand said.

Of course, Link wasn't going to stand for such an abrupt answer, so he demanded answers.

"SHEESH! If you wanna find out that bad, cowpoke, try meeting on the roof with all the other fighters we got to get a sneak peek of our latest stroke o' genius!" Crazy Hand said.

So, Link decided to not argue for once and gathered us all on the roof of the mansion.

"Nosebleed city!" Roy complained, wiping the dribble of blood away from his nose.

"I-I never realized it was so high up…" Fox stammered, slowly backing away from the edge of the roof, spying the clouds.

"Of course! The Smash Mansion goes up to at least three thousand feet!" Peach said cheerfully, starry-eyed "It's an architectural masterpiece!"

"T-three thousand feet!" Samus asked incredulously, falling over.

"Big castle…" Young Link observed.

"Well, while we're waiting, anyone wanna watch the sumo match?" I asked, taking out a miniature television.

"YOU HAVE A TELEVISION?" they all screamed.

"Yup. And it's all mine," I said, turning up the volume as Vicious Venusaur toppled Gorgeous Goldeen.

"Neat toy. How much did it cost?" Link asked.

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it," I replied, laughing.

He sighed, and pushed his way around the small TV.

"And Gorgeous Goldeen fights back with their signature move-the Gorgeous Horn Drill! Will Vicious Venusaur survive with their Vicious Solar Beam?" Lola Likitung gasped, leaving Samus and Roy completely on edge.

"Come on Kramer! Use that Megaton Punch! This isn't a group battle!" Samus growled.

"Yeah! We wanna see some champion whacking here!" Roy added.

No one noticed a magnificent pink helicopter land on the roof, as Peach's petticoats billowed wildly from the wind.

Pikachu hopped out of the helicopter's cockpit with a Poketranslator as we all stood back, paralyzed by the coolest chopper ever, despite the fact it was pink.

"Hey guys! Look-see at the cool ride! Say hello to the Smash Chopper!" she said.

**Caliban: After many episodes of Pokemon, I found out Pikachu's a GIRL! Yes, a girl. So, my bad for past mistakes. If the Smash Archives say Pikachu's a dude, then they don't watch much Pokemon. **

"…Smash Chopper?" Falco asked, dumbfounded.

"Chopper is slang for helicopter," I told him, and he deftly whacked me on the head.

"I know that, you dunce! I'm a thousand years ahead of this time anyways!" he snapped.

"Alright, guys! Everyone in! This baby seats twenty five not including cargo hold!" she said cheerfully, and we all stepped over each other to get inside.

"Relax! They have all have a good view," she said, a little concerned for the benign Jigglypuff who had been trampled.

Soon, everyone finally got over arguing and Pikachu entered the cockpit.

"I hope everyone buckled their seatbelts," she began, and suddenly her eyes gained a mischievous glint "BECAUSE THIS GOES ZERO TO ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY IN NOTHING FLAT!"

Suddenly, the helicopter sped forward so fast and with such forced the skin of our faces flapped back, stuck at sixty miles an hour while our bones went twice that speed.

Poor Young Link was literally lost, he'd been pushed so far back in his seat, and Captain Falcon had tears flowing out of his eyes. Peach was the most unfortunate, she nearly choked on the folds of her dress.

We could see the chopper was cutting through the clouds like a hot knife through butter.

I was busy having a panic attack, and it finally stopped long enough for me to screech at Pikachu.

"Pikachu, you RETARD! I'm the one holding the camera in this chapter! Stop being a freakin' homicidal maniac and slow the heck DOWN!"

"Sorry sweetheart can't hear ya!" she whistled, happy in the cockpit of a chopper that was probably faster than a Concord.

Before we were sure we'd all die, Pikachu suddenly stopped, only for a split second before we nosedived, going even FASTER, to the point where Roy gave up trying to suppress his nosebleed, and his face quickly turned so red from stress I thought his head was going to pop. Yeah, gross, I know.

Suddenly, the chopper stopped, a mere millimetre from the ground and an imminent crash.

"The Smash Chopper also has lightning-fast reflexes, and is keenly smart. In other words, let IT do all the driving," Pikachu smiled.

We were all busy just catching our breaths.

Pikachu rose at three thousand feet again, but this time much slower.

"Ah…it also has a cruise option, for enjoyable riding. Anyone thirsty?" she asked, as a whole bunch of drinks came out of personal trays.

"Hey, they have my favourite!" Fox said.

"Of course. These chairs come personalized. And they shock anyone who touches your seat," she said, as Roy tapped Marth's chair and was electrocuted.

"Ah…" Falco sighed, fully enjoying the ride.

"Oh! There's our target!" Pikachu said into the com. "It's a promotion billboard of B6!" Suddenly, a million rocket launchers, lasers, artillery guns, and canons erupted out of the face of the chopper, and obliterated the billboard as though it was tissue paper.

"This baby has a state-of-the-art weapons system! WHOO HOOO!" she cheered, shooting out a particularly big rocket.

Down below in the streets of the Smash Estates, Totallystrange lifted his head up for a second, and shook his head as though he was imagining things.

"What's wrong?" Blazing Fool asked.

"Eh…just thought I saw something. Let's go back to destroying that bakery." And so they did, ignoring Urby standing on the roof yelling at them to stop.

Back at the Smash Chopper-wait, where was the Smash Chopper!

"The Smash Chopper also has some nifty defence moves, like turning invisible, and equipped with Ness's energy force field! It also protects against most conventional weapons," Pikachu said, biting into an apple casually.

"I love this thing!" Link said excitedly.

"Hmm…that only took five minutes. Why don't we have a little tour of the place?" Pikachu asked.

"Uh…we need a little more footage anyways," I said.

"BEEP! **Hey, I found a Nintendo DS!**" Mr. Game and Watch beeped.

"Hey, we're not going anywhere," Young Link said, as he'd found the massage feature in the seat, the manicure feature, the Swedish Facial feature…

"O-kay! Smash Chopper, descend!" she cheered, and the chopper swerved low below the clouds.

From the window seat, I could film the SSBECF on their latest adventure.

"Boss, why don't you do something about Blazing Fool and Totallystrange? They'll destroy that humble bakery!" Elfbrat snapped, as she watched in horror as Xiao and Urby were still on the roof.

"You're right!" she said, as she called over doubledude and they stormed the bakery, only to get thrown back.

"W-what happened?" Demon of the Black Fire asked.

"That," doubledude said, pointing to the flames that burst out the door.

"Oh no! He set his flamethrower to 'So Hot the Sun Got Jealous'! That's prohibited. I'm going to kick his butt! Urby, pass me a grappling hook!" Elfbrat snapped.

"What are you screaming at me for! I'm trapped up here! How about passing ME a grappling hook before those two nut jobs totally kill me? Urby screamed.

"Okay, that's it. I'm getting you down from there. Hold on!" Caliban said, tossing Urby a grappling hook just before the building had a big 'KA-BOOM'!

Urby did a victory dance.

"Yeah, I'm alive, who's rules, uh huh…"

Quite suddenly, Blazing Fool was tossed out of the building and landed on top of poor Urby, who seemed to have very bad luck that day.

"And stay out! I hope that taught you to steal our donuts!" and angry baker snapped, closing off what was left of his humble bakery.

"Heh…I brought donuts…" Blazing Fool said, holding a squished box of donuts. Totallystrange was promptly tossed out as well, holding another similar ash-covered white box.

Urby croaked miserably from underneath the dog-pile.

The people in the Smash Chopper laughed as Pikachu continued cruising around the city.

"I don't get it. Why did Blazing Fool just buy the donuts?" Luigi asked no one in particular.

"I'd love to answer that…but HOLY COW! What's rising out of the lake!" Captain Falcon freaked out, pointing to a Yoshi the size of the Empire State Building, and it didn't look happy. In fact, for a Yoshi, it looked darn menacing.

"MAMAMIA!" Mario cried, hiding his eyes under his hat.

"Let's go blast it!" Roy said excitedly, standing and looking heroic, and then fainted because blood was still rushing out his nose.

"Roy's right! Pikachu, let us out there!" Link said.

"Sit down. That idea's as smart as when the Hands sent me on vacation to the British Isles," Fox said.

**Fox's Flashback…**

Fox was standing in the middle of a field.

"Hey, I heard about something called the 'Fox Hunt'. Is that some kind of cool British Club?"

Suddenly you hear bloodhounds barking and several rifle shots.

"Crikey! We found a fox! Shoot the bugger!"

**End Flashback…**

"Ugh…I can't tell you how unpleasant that was…" Fox muttered to himself.

"Right…." I said.

"Let's blast it!" Roy shrieked again, after being revived.

"Okay, okay," Pikachu sighed, opening the chopper's shaft.

Roy instantly jumped through the wrong shaft and fell through the copter.

"GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He landed with a muffled splash in the lake.

Marth only smacked his forehead in irritation.

"Uh…the fight shaft is on TOP," Pikachu said.

For a moment, the whole helicopter was quiet, until Peach began climbing the ladder up to the fighting decks.

"Peach, what are you doing?" Mario asked.

"Fighting, what else? After my adventures at the Christmas Gala, I've learned it's never too late to-"

"I'm going too!" Link said impatiently "Come on, I wanna fight!"

"WA-HOO! That's the spirit!" Peach clambered up the ladder, Link behind her.

"Alright, no one else aboard. The chopper's roof can really only handle two people," Pikachu said.

"But what's going to protect us from the Godzilla wannabe?" Falco asked.

"Everybody stand back!" Pikachu said. She let out a huge thunderbolt that encased the bridge in an electric shield.

"I learned that on my way back from Kanto," she said proudly.

I touched the shield and snapped my hand back, my fingers smoking.

"Whew! Nothing's getting through that!" I said "But how are Link and Peach supposed to fight?"

"It's too much energy to encase the top," Pikachu replied.

"PICHU! **OOH! Here it comes**!" Pichu squealed, biting his fingers nervously.

The helicopter's side swerved close to the giant scary Yoshi.

"My visor's analyzer says this thing will reach town pretty soon…" Samus told Pikachu.

"Then grab a cockpit seat and join the party," Pikachu said, tossing Samus headphones, and then placing some over her own ears.

"Listen, Link, Peach, we've got three salvos, or three missile bombardments we can use. Make sure you give a clear signal from up there if you get into any trouble and I'll help out," Pikachu said.

"Understood," came the muffled reply from Link.

"Okay! Then let's kibosh this thing into the ground!" Pikachu said.

The whole chopper agreed excitedly.

Marth ran up to Pikachu.

"Listen. Roy's irritating, but he's my best friend and you need to pick him from the lake ASAP. He can't swim so well…" Marth said sombrely.

"Roger that," Pikachu said, getting off the cockpit.

"Listen, we need another brave character to partner up with Marth and get Roy from the lake bottom," Pikachu said.

"Say WHAT?" Marth asked.

"Well, if anyone's going to get Roy, it's you. Okay, Falco, you go with him. You've got experience with tech support," Pikachu said.

"Just scoop him up, right? Can do," Falco said "Come on, Martha."

Falco and Marth hopped into a random, convenient submarine cockpit and dropped into the lake.

**At the Top of the Chopper…**

"Here it comes!" Link said.

"Oh, how exciting!" Peach said.

Link drew his sword, Peach drew her umbrella.

"Darn! It's still too far away! I can't strike it with my sword. I guess bombs will have to do…" Link snapped, taking out a bomb.

"Projectiles aren't strong enough, I should think," Peach said.

"Then what are we going to do?" Link asked.

"Do you know why I can float, by any chance?" Peach asked.

"Uh…" Link stammered.

**At the Bottom of the Lake…**

"Okay, water pressure is 87 percent," Marth said.

"Okay, what's the range? Check the scope," Falco said.

"Hmm…" Marth said from the periscope of the mini sub. "Hey, I found Roy!"

"Great! Now let's fetch him!" Falco said, grabbing a seat. He hummed as he looked through the cockpit and his pupils shrank to pinpricks.

"M-Martha…" Falco began.

"Yes…?" Marth asked, still looking through the scope.

"H-have you ever wondered if the legend about the Fanged Octopus at the bottom of Smash Lake is real?" Falco stammered.

"Not really," Marth replied.

"Well it turns out…it's no exaggeration…" Falco stammered.

Marth looked away from the scope for a second and the blood instantly drained from his face as the gargantuan octopus swallowed the mini sub whole.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they both screamed, with Falco giving a 'Hey, Marth, can I borrow your pants? I think I just wet mine.'

**Back with the Brave Fighters…**

"Man oh man…I just had to ask!" Link said, dressed in Peach's royal blue dress, complete with gloves and heels, and was, for no apparent reason, wearing make-up.

"Because of the magic dress you'll be able to float! Isn't that just wonderful? Besides, now you look absolutely adorable!" Peach gushed, clasping her gloved hands together.

"Let's just kill it," Link said, blushing, and jumping off the helicopter, almost falling to his doom if Peach hadn't caught him.

"No, no. You have to hold your petticoats up slightly so it's more like a parachute," Peach said, carrying him back to the helicopter top for a retry.

"Okay…here goes…" Link said, suddenly quite afraid of heights. He pinched his petticoats between his thumbs and forefingers and jumped off the chopper, and noticed he hadn't died yet.

"Hey, Peach, Peach, I'm doing it! I'm floating! I'm…." he said, as he floated for a split second before he fell "….FALLING!"

Peach caught him again.

"It's only temporary. Make sure you make it to the monster and back before the floating wears off. And don't strain the dress like that; it makes it harder to float."

"Dude, this is a real-time game, not Final Fantasy," Link grumbled irritably, pouting.

"Oh, now don't ruin the make-up!" Peach said.

Link sighed and jumped out to the giant Yoshi, who was steadily moving closer to town.

"HA!" he said, smiling as he slashed at the Yoshi with one hand and somehow made it back to the helicopter shaft.

"WAHOO!" Peach cheered, nailing it right in the eye with her painful umbrella.

"OUCH! That smarts!" the monster cried, tears leaking out from both eyes. "OOOH that made me really mad!" It took a deep breath and breathed fire. Link knocked Peach to the ground before they were both burnt to a crisp.

"Hey, guys….can you hear me?" Samus asked.

"Aside from the maniacal roaring of a crazed Yoshi on 'shrooms, and the whirring of a nasty pink helicopter I'd say you're doing pretty well!" Link replied.

"Good enough. Listen, that thing has swallowed a Yo-translator. It can talk. So if things get a little too ugly, you might want to reason with it. But you still have a lot of time, about twenty four minutes until it hits town," Samus said.

"That's plenty. But we need it to stop going Bowser on us. Fire at it, Pikachu," Link said.

"Can do!" she replied, and a barrage of missiles hit the giant Yoshi, stunning it.

"Now's our chance!" Peach said, floating out there and dealing some heavy damage with her Peach Bomber.

Link floated out there next doing a Sword Spin.

And so the fight raged on.

**At the Bottom of Smash Lake…**

"It's so dark…" Marth whimpered, shivering in his underwear.

"Look's like that octopus tore the mini sub to shreds…" Falco said, pulling up Marth's pants a little higher. "We've got about two hours of life support left but I'm not sure that's enough."

"Great. Two hours till we're dead!" Marth snapped.

"Oh, it's not so bad," a familiar voice said cheerfully. "I rather like it in here. I found food. And it's dry enough here to make a fire! My goodness, this octopus is dangerous dehydrated…"

"Only one half-dragon half-human in the world is this dumb…Roy, where are you?" Marth asked.

A fire brewed in a far, even darker corner, revealing Roy.

"HI GUYS!" he cheered, with horse-shoe eyes. "I have jerky!"

"Roy, you do know that your making a fire inside a giant octopus is against the laws of physics?" Falco asked.

"Physics? Naw, I gave that stuff up years ago," Roy replied, roasting jerky on his sword. "Jerky?"

"Our first priority should be getting out of here…" Marth said.

"Hey, look what I found!" Roy said, pointing to an old yellow oxygen tank strapped on the skeleton of a diver.

"AHHH! A SKELETON!" Marth screeched, jumping to the top of whatever 'room' they were in.

"Hmm…" Falco hummed quietly, as the gears in his head began turning ever so slowly, churning an escape plan…

**Back at the Smash Chopper…**

"Oh no! Three minutes till that giant lizard hits town!" Samus said.

"We've got just a cannon left since we used up all our salvos! You guys had better have a darn good plan up there," Pikachu snapped into her com-link.

"AH! We're all gonna die!" Ness screamed randomly.

"Don't bother me, I'm getting a back rub…" Young Link mumbled, his face buried in his seat.

"Beep…Beep…" went Mr. Game and Watch's Nintendo DS.

"Hey, cool, you hooked up your head to the DS," I commented. "Man, my camera needs action. I'm going up there."

Hauling the camera up, I ran up the ladder to the top of the Smash Chopper, and saw Link and Peach panicking.

"It's no good! It's flown into a rage; we can't stop it from continuing its berserk!" Peach cried, as her umbrella held no effect.

"Then we'll have to concoct a different plan!" Link said.

"Link? Is that you?" I stammered, unable to keep from breaking into hysterical laughter "WA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is the funniest thing I've ever seen! Hoo man, the whole world's gonna see this!" I cheered, still giggling, holding up my camera. Link pressed his hand against the lens.

"Don't film this, you annoying pink ball of lint!" Link snapped, hitting me across the head. "Tell you what, go smack that thing with you hammer. I'm done." He tossed the dress over his head and threw it over mine.

"GAH! I'm a transvestite! Granted, I don't wear clothes but C'MON! And I can already float!" I snapped. Link disappeared off the top of the chopper.

I sighed, already used to Peach's clothing, floating out to the Yoshi and smacking it with my hammer.

"OH GREAT! Now I'm really hurting!" the Yoshi snapped, hitting everywhere and nowhere. His fist connected and I was sent soaring back to the chopper's deck.

"OW! Man, it made damage but we need someone stronger!" I replied, gasping for air since that hit really knocked the wind out of me.

"Hmm…" Peach said, tapping her lip in thought.

**Not Much Later…**

"Guys, this isn't funny! Lemme go! WHO'S FLYING THE CHOPPER!" Pikachu yelled, and was carried, kicking and screaming to the upper deck.

"You know that Thunderbolt that sends Team Rocket blasting off again every episode? We need that! We've hooked the Smash Chopper's batteries to your cheeks, we hope that's enough. Just go and be a hero!" Peach said, patting Pikachu on the back.

Pikachu sighed.

"Oh well…here goes!" she said, and summoned the biggest Thunder in all creation. The Yoshi was electrocuted promptly and landed on the ground with a THUMP and a squeak, twitching every now and then.

"Wow. Some battery," Pikachu commented.

Then, quite suddenly, something shot out the lake with a 'YAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' and a 'THIS ISN'T SANE!' With a POW and a SMACK, Roy, Marth and Falco landed in their respected seats, dripping in black ink, with pieces of an oxygen tank and the mini sub lying around.

"What did we miss?" Falco asked.

"Not much. Just a giant Yoshi nearly destroying the city. What happened to you?" Fox asked Falco.

"It turned out that Fanged Octopus under the lake isn't just a myth. We used an oxygen tank as fuel to carry the mini sub out. And it wasn't easy. Roy never got his leg off my neck!" Marth snapped, cracking his neck irritably.

"Jerky, jerky, I love jerky…" he mumbled.

"Hey, that looks good. Can I have some?" Dr. Mario asked.

"MINE! MY PRECIOUS!" Roy snapped, growling and foaming at the mouth.

"Hey, hey, keep the noise down ya punks! I'm sleeping in a tanning bed here!" Young Link said, in his shorts and wearing sunglasses.

"Hey…how come our seats don't have such cool stuff?" Luigi asked, pushing buttons and finding only normal seat stuff.

"Hmm…something's missing from the chapter footage…" I realized, checking the camera.

"Oh yes! We forgot to ask the Yoshi why it attacked the village!" Peach said.

"Does there have to be a reason?" Link said.

"This is a video game. There's a reason for everything," Peach replied.

"She got me there," Link said, snatching his dress back from me and running up the ladder with Peach.

"WHEEE!" Peach cheered, jumping off the chopper.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Link screaming, jumping down to the Yoshi.

"LOOK OUT BELOW!" I yelled, jumping off the plane.

Peach rushed over to the Yoshi.

"Why did you try to destroy the village?" Peach asked.

"I've been slashed, poked in the eyes, whacked with a hammer, hit with lasers, AND bombarded with missiles! And on top of that, I was electrocuted! Destroy the village? I just wanted…" the Yoshi continued.

"Yes?" Link asked. The Yoshi waddled awkwardly over to SSBECF, who were still hanging around the town square, and snatched a box right out of Blazing Fool's hands.

"Donuts," the Yoshi said.

Everyone in the village, even the Smashers, stopped breathing.

"DONUTS! That's it! I'm kicking your butt even harder, you SONOVA-" Link began yelling, but then Peach dragged him by the collar back onto the Smash Chopper.

"Alright y'all! Why don't we take the long way home?" Pikachu asked.

Everyone gave their shouts of joy as Pikachu turned around and began cruising home.

And I switched the video camera off, hoping never to shoot such a pointless chapter, much less such a pointless TAG TEAM chapter. Well, at least until I ended up destroying the world with Jigglypuff.

**_Author's Notes: It was fun for me to write, to tell you the truth! Pointless, yeah. Weird, yeah. Not even that funny, even. But just you wait. NEXT chapter, something unexpected happens to do with extreme debt and some VERY disgruntled Smashers. _**

**Reviews: **

**See, I ain't dead! Sorry for the long wait!**

**Smiley Anonymous: I know maybe a little something about Earthbound, but thanks for the heads-up! **

**Fayt: YUP! Of course it's confusing! Because, if you met me in real life, I'd confuse you a little there too…**

**Hmm…Fayt…is that name from Star Ocean? **

**Urby: LOL! Your review was the longest! **

**Oh, I'd swear so much right now. I KNEW I said that to two people…consider you the first because I always do your review first! I'm not joking. **

**Hands and knees? Didn't see too much of that. But I can tell you there are people who are darn good! You can't even see their feet man, they're masters! **

**Hey, I'm starting to get jealous! Yggdrasill Rainbow! I want some! All I have is Martel Green…**

**You know, there's no such thing as too long a review. Not urging you to do this, mind you, but I once saw a review that was PAGES long, you just kept scrolling and scrolling…that girl must have written for hours! HOLY! If you want to see it, there's a story in the FF VIII section called Whispered Screams, don't read it, don't ask why I was there in the first place, LOL, just check out reviews for Chapter 17 and you'll see it's darn long… **

**Psychogunner: I managed to convince my daddy to lift the ban, so I'm safe. Say…isn't Psychogunner the Jap name for 'Jinzo' in Yu-Gi-Oh or something? **

**AshRB: SHUCKS! I'm blushing, such high praise! You earned it though; you're the best secretary at SSBECF who mysteriously has a bazooka…**

**You've always reviewed for me, so I figured I should repay the favour. **

**Blazing Fool: Man, you really got to get exorcised. And for the record, I was busy having steak with my two nutty pals! By the way, Tesla says she can exorcise you. **

**Tesla: YUP! I'm good that way. Now hold still, I need to remove your eyelids momentarily or the whole gothic ceremony is down the hatch! **

**Blazing Fool: AAAH! I'm getting out of here! Kojay, let's go back to Pasadena!**

**Yikes. There goes another reviewer. **

**Doubledude: Hmm…how would you like a new weapon to go with the guns? In fact, all reviewers can send in weapon ideas. For example, boomerang blades! Huh? Huh? Pretty sweet! **

**New reviewers can just send in a review asking they wanna join SSBECF!**

**Yoshizilla: LOL! That makes me laugh! **

**Peppy: MY REAL NAME IS PEKERDINE! I admit it! Happy now? Where's my eggnog… **

**RoyalFanatic: THAT'S the spirit! I'm banned from WRITING, but I still get away with it! HA! **

**We're both heroes. We can't give up. **

**Punkrocker64: YAY! COOKIES! Munch…**

**Hey, these are good! Did you make em? They're like subway cookies…**

**Xiao Dark-cloud: ACK! Sorry I gave ya such a scare…it wasn't made up. I was heartbroken! And if you're wondering why I was banned, it had something to do with an accusation of writing something slightly homo. But that's all I plan on telling! HA! **

**ANYWAYS, you're still the evil genius of the group who attacks the other villain slightly crazily…LOL.**

**Nice tongue twister! I tried it right now, and I must say 'MOO' was caught somewhere in between. **

**Demon of the Black Fire: **

**Yeah, the people's genders were difficult…I guess you could say I unconsciously wanted the genders clear, for the other reviewers who don't wear mini skirts! Yeah, I'd be mad about that too, but hey. At least you kick butt. **

**Elfbrat: A New Year's chapter huh? I'll have to think about it! But it's a good one! I can see it now…**

**Mario House Party! Now with Less M-rated stuff! **

**Thanks for the review, and for the record, I hate the idea of being a bridesmaid, even though I'm only fourteen and none of my friends are getting married quite yet. Grade eleven's a different story though…half the girls in there have engagement rings! **

**Anyways, being a bridesmaid must suck because the bride often gets to choose the dress and they often SUCK no offence! PLUS you have to help the bride out when she needs the bathroom! Imagine holding up a million-pound dress while your pal tinkles! So you see, the only reason anyone wants to be a bridesmaid is probably the free food and stuff like that…random vignette, I know… **

**This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out! And I'm not gone! I WAS, and I was darn near crying too. But I'm not so WOO! **


	14. Eat Till You're Dizzy!

**Caliban's Chattering: **

**Yeah, talk about taking a million years here! I was busy, writing up some other super-long, uninspired chapter when I should have been writing this most excellent Luigi chapter. Yes, it's that good that it's excellent. So good the ESRB rated it 'H' for Humor. So good it'll make the poor sick Elfbrat feel better, to whom the chapter is dedicated to. Yes, that good. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Brother Melee until I devise another stupid plan to infiltrate the Nintendo building! **

_**I Regurgitated a Luigi! **_

Yes, it's me, Luigi, the lean mean fighting machine, and I suppose it's my turn to make an unholy chapter in this weird fic.

So, with the flu flying around and the colds, I managed to come down with the stomach flu, eating nothing but those nasty Wheat Thins and ginger ale, you know how it is. So it's not surprising I was absolutely STARVING at breakfast the next day.

**Caliban: Anyone who's ever been sick before knows how you can't eat much anything but dry foods and ginger ale…last time I was sick, my only friend was a box of Wheat Thins and a 2L bottle of Pepsi…sigh…I was so hungry afterwards…**

"Hmm…it's a nice morning," said Dr. Mario to Fox.

"Yes, it is. More honey on your crumpets?" the fox replied, suddenly hearing muffled screaming above him.

"AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-OOF!" I yelled, hitting the table face down.

"AH! Intruder alert, intruder alert! All systems lockdown, repeat, all systems lockdown! The sky is falling again!" Peach yelled, scurrying every which way "Oh, Luigi, it's just you."

"What's up with you?" Samus asked.

"Oh, someone messed up my-say…are those bagels?" I asked, licking my lips.

"We have bagels every morning," Mario said, downing some more sausages.

I emptied the basket in my mouth.

"Hey, pancakes! Oh, and sausages! And toast, and cereal…" You can imagine the Smashers abandoned ship pretty fast, with chunks of food flying every which way and that smoking crater in the dining table was left unattended.

Let me take the opportunity to explain breakfast at the Smash Mansion, at least, when it's not a free-for-all in here.

Roy never uses a napkin, or a fork, or knife or even a chair when he's eating. He goes right there and next thing you know the food is gone, the platter is missing, the forks are bent out of shape, the table has skid marks…

He eats like a sumo wrestler on hunger strike, only when he's not eating, it IS a hunger strike!

So with this scary human lawnmower devastating the south rim of the dining room, and me now practically eating the table…

"My oatmeal!"

"My oatmeal!"

"Mine!"

"Mine times infinity!"

"MINE!"

Finally, Roy gave up piecing up so much coherent thought while hungry and made a dive for the oatmeal.

Think about it people! I had stomach flu for a week! A week of Wheat Thins and ginger ale! At least there's only a little foam on my mouth.

Before a cheesy reenactment of Star Wars could happen, Dr. Mario and Roy's gloomy counterpart dragged us away from the table.

The Smashers instantly garnered more food and continued having breakfast.

"Did you see what he did to the table?" Bowser stage-whispered to Young Link, as they stood just off the dinner table.

"We could actually win for once!" Young Link replied, hopping up and down.

"Yeah! We've finally got another eating machine in this house! Roy passed out last time…now Marth won't let him go, but with Luigi…" Bowser trailed.

"…we don't have to even train him, and there's no strings attached!" Young Link finished.

They began doing the 'Ring Around the Rosie' thing while chanting "We're gonna wi-in! We're gonna wi-in!".

I just stared at them. They didn't even notice me standing right there!

"Oh, uh…Luigi…" Bowser stammered nervously, trying to act natural by leaning on a wall but accidentally leaning on Young Link's head, falling over.

"Heh, we were just talking…about…" Young Link tried, trying to sit on a chair but sitting on Bowser's most painful scales instead.

"Milk!" Bowser finished, still on the ground.

-_Crickets Chirp-_

"Uh huh…right…sure…Why don't you just tell me what's going on instead of making some really dumb lies?" I asked.

"Uh oh, he's onto us!" Bowser panicked, getting off the floor.

"Bag him quick before he reacts!" Young Link yelled.

Before I even knew what was going on, I saw burlap and heard rope. Something other than the up-and-down told me we were going somewhere.

"HEY! This is so dumb! Why don't you act your age, not your shoe size!" I snapped.

"Hey! I happen to wear size eleven!" Young Link snapped.

"Yeah, in size Little Fudgee Cookie Elves!" I snapped.

"He got you there…" Bowser said. Young Link glowered at him "What?"

After a while, Young Link cut through the sack and I was let free.

"WHOO HOO! All you can eat buffet, here I come!" I cheered, about to hijack a car.

"Hey, not so fast," Bowser said, dragging me over by the suspenders to a big sign.

_**-SMASH ESTATES EATING CONTEST! The Theme This Year: FIRE! We don't care where you're from, just eat until you're dizzy! Third Prize: Cool Flaming Boomerang Second Prize: Cool Flamethrower We So Did Not Steal First Prize: All of the Above AND A Fire Stone That Gives Some Cool Fire Power! Fire Bribes Only.- **_

"Eating contest? I can't eat!" I snapped through.

"You're eating a foot long as we speak!" Young Link snapped.

"Hey, you're right! I call the Fire Stone!" I cheered.

"Aw man…" they both groaned in unison.

A Fire Bribe Later… 

"Welcome to the flaming hot Smashing Estates Eating Contest! I'm Steve Snorlax, former contest judge and reporter for this event! Today we've got a wide range of contestants!" he said, brandishing a pudgy stump of an arm at the contestants on stage, all of which were a lot fatter and looked like they could eat a lot before passing out than I could.

"And they all look like worthy contestants! The contest ends when someone has completed all the food set before him the fastest! Who's the hungriest?" Steve said.

The crowd started cheering along with Steve.

I saw Bowser and Young Link there as well.

"Hey, you guys are here too?" I asked.

"We wanna know who's the hungriest," they both answered.

"Let's find out then! Bring in the main course!" Steve said, clapping his hands.

They brought out eighteen platters of enormous fettuccini.

"Oh, looks like they brought out the big guns with this dish! It's Silly Spaghetti, one of the hardest dishes and-holy smokes. Looks like one of our contestants already finished!" Steve said, double-taking, then nervously wiping his forehead with a hanky the size of a shower curtain.

I licked my plate clean.

"Okay…bring in the next dish for contestant seventeen!" Steve said. Another small burp came from a contestant "And some for contestant twenty three!"

Contestant twenty three wasn't as fat as the others, in fact, he wasn't fat at all. He was pretty lean, wearing a tee, shorts, and a headband with the Japanese flag on it.

"Oh no…they didn't…" I stammered. He swallowed an entire steaming lobster whole, without any butter or salt. "They did! Crud! They set the crazy Japanese kid on me! No one can beat him! He's that guy who kills the hot dog eating contests all the time!"

The sailor person next to me belched loudly, then said "You got that right. The gods don't make metabolic systems so perfect anymore but that kid…They call him 'Jap the Ripper' 'cause he tears the competition to shreds. You'd best pull out. I just came for the free food, not to win." He stroked his thick, bushy beard, and continued eating, face in plate.

"The competition's in full swing at the Mexican Enchilada dish!" Steve said.

"That's right Steve, and it's also a tricky one. Look at the gooey cheese layered on the-and we've got a fainter!" Celebi snapped, swiveling the camera to some poor chick whose face pounded into her plate, and she didn't seem so alive.

Egg-shaped Pokemon nurses wearing professional, business-like sanitation gear surrounded her, one holding a deliberator.

"CLEAR," she said, and a shock resuscitated her.

"Ah, we've got top of the line Chanseys at work here! Born and bred Nurse Pokemon, they help anyone and everyone in need!" Celebi said "Back to Steve…"

"And The Ripper tears right through Grandma's Southwest Stuffed Bell Peppers! I'm not sure if the competition will be able to glue itself back together in time!" Steve the Snorlax commented with his annoying mike.

"Oh my god! I better catch up!" I said, quickly stuffing my face full of bell peppers, Italian meatballs, and Californian mushrooms.

"Who is this mysterious green eating machine rising through the ranks! He'd better slow down before he actually catches up to The Ripper!" said Celebi, who seemed to co-report with everyone nowadays.

A little later, most of the contestants forfeited due to chronic heartburn, upset stomach…the whole deal they put into Pepto-Bismol commercials. Bowser regurgitated food after the Indian samosas. Young Link lasted longer, his heart stopped after the American cheesecake. The sailor had fallen asleep after the German potato salad; there was no one left but The Ripper and me.

"And it's the last dish, and what a doozey! One thing's for sure: only one immune-to-indigestion incinerator will be left after this!" Steve said, throwing his rounded paw at the new dish, which had a platter whose lateral distance was so mind-bendingly large, it cast a shadow over the stadium.

"AH! Complete darkness…ominous aura…It's the Rapture! We're all gonna die!" a random man said, trying to jump out a window from his seat but landing in grass.

The theme for the Dawn of Time was playing as they brought IT in.

"And it's Iron Chef Sakai's famous three-storey cake! Literally!" the Snorlax said, a mere ant compared to the huge, seventeen-tiered cake before him.

"Now that's just silly," Bowser said in the stands.

"It's huge! I didn't know they could make cakes that big," Young Link said.

"Who so manages to finish the most before passing out wins!" Steve cheered, the audience exploding.

"Jap the Ripper, Jap the Ripper, Jap the Ripper!" the crowd cheered.

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence," I grumbled darkly.

Instantly, The Ripper dove into his cake. It didn't even sound like eating; he sounded like a chainsaw. He FINISHED the cake. He left maybe a spoonful. The thing was, he would have eaten that last spoonful too, but his head hit the table so fast and so hard he probably forgot where he even was.

The medics swarmed around him, checking for a pulse, an ambulance rearing painfully on the grass.

"Oh dear…not good at all," the head Chansey said, checking her watch "He contracted the stomach flu from eating so much food. Sigh…we'll have to trolley him in for treatment."

"Stomach flu!" The Ripper asked, suddenly turning deathly pale.

"That's right young man. Nothing but crackers and soft drinks for you, young man!" said the Chansey. And with clockwork co-operation, the team of Chanseys carried him into an ambulance.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The Ripper cried "Must win for cool reputation, must win for cool reputation!"

"Yes young man, must win for dangerous stomach ache," she replied, and the ambulance sped off in the distance.

"And so our beloved medic Pokemon take in another victim of stomach virus," Steve said "Looks like our green contestant is the last one standing. If he can eat that last spoonful and live, then our Ripper's winning streak is through!"

Those few seconds where I wasn't eating had made my vicious hunger all the more. I downed the spoonful easily and began taking the bows and that bouquet of flowers from that lady in the dress.

"AND LUIGI BEATS THE RIPPER! LUIGI BEATS-" Steve began screaming into the mike, but someone in the crowd snapped "Who cares about some fat people trying to out-eat each other and see who can break the scale first! Get on with it man, give him his prize!"

"Okay, okay. You're not exactly a Slim Jim either. Celebi, show the lucky fatso-uh…I mean, contestant what he's won!" Steve cheered.

"We've got a Fire-Grade boomerang with heat-seeker that automatically turns off when the owner is near, a flamethrower we stole from-er…I mean DIDN'T steal from Blazing Fool…" Steve said, trying to cover up the nametag on the flamethrower.

"AND the Grand Prize: A Fire Stone. Not only will it make that Vulpix evolve into a Nine Tails but it'll also give the bearer some cool fire powers like Witch Hunter Robin!" Celebi said, grabbing a gift basket stuffed with the prizes.

"And a special mystery prize! Bring down the hats!" Steve said, and suddenly, a stage rose from the grass, displaying three top hats labeled one, two, and three.

"Pick a prize!" Celebi said.

"Uh…three 'cause it's my lucky number!" I blurted, and instantly, the hat dispersed.

"And he's won a year's supply of hot dogs, courtesy of Osaka Hot Dog Concern!" Steve yelled.

"And that's it for…"

"THIS YEAR'S SMASHING EATING CONTEST NOW WITH MORE FIRE!" Steve screeched into the mike.

"Join us next month for the Mudkip Mud Pie Exhibition! First a hundred win free cherry pies!" Celebi cheered, ignoring Young Link, Bowser and I jumping up and down with glee singing 'We won, we won, we won, WE WON!' on national television.

Quite suddenly, before I could enjoy my cool new prize, I slumped.

"What's wrong with you? You just won a cool fiery stone thingy," Bowser said.

"Hungry…Anyone up for some crab ramen? The sukiyaki restaurant gives free chop teriyaki with every bowl!" I said.

"Guh…" they both yelled woozily, falling over.

"Ah, who needs 'em. I wouldn't like sharing eighteen bowls anyways. Too skimpy," I said, and left to go eat a restaurant into the ground.

And I never fell into another eating spree again. Well, except for when I got lost in the Cadbury Factory…

**Reviews: **

**Urby: It LOOKS lazy, but just think about it. Was that a Kirby Chapter or a Pikachu Chapter? I was just thinking, and thinking, and thinking, and then I realized, it's more of a Kirby chapter. Keep in mind, no matter if I ever decide to make some weird tag team chapter thingy, whoever is behind the I symbol is the main character. So, it was a Kirby chaptah. I have a better idea for Pikachu about her finding Kirby's fabled costume storage closet and then screwing around with the wigs…but I've said too much already. My goodness, I spoil too much. **

**Punkrocker64: I can't bake, so I'm loving an edible cookie…they were so yummy. Coincidentally, about the time you gave cookies for everyone my dear sibling baked some chocolate chip cookies…keep giving me cookies, they're wonderful, I got another M and Ms one today. **

**AshRB: I hope you liked the chapter, because if you didn't I'd have to answer to your scary bazooka! **

**Demon of the Black Fire: Yup, I'm alive…I hope, that school is killing me! LOL…**

**Elfbrat: For the last time, it isn't a tag team chaptah! It was a Kirby one, HE should have been involved more, but that just says how good I am about putting them in my shoes…I'm definitely not Marth, or Kirby, and I didn't even TRY to put Roy in first-person, at all, because he's so nuts and I'm so nuts and I was scared I would like it too much and make the whole story Roy. **

**Well, anyways, I feel for you, you poor girl. Being sick AND wearing lavender! I hope your friend's wedding is a success though, and I hope YOU enjoy the cake though you're sick. **

**Psychogunner: I can see why you're 'Psychogunner'. That sentence hurt my head so much it was like you were LITERALLY attacking my head…psychically! Wait…are you saying I was RIGHT? **

**Xiao: Sell the footage, sell the footage! You'll get so much money! **

**Blazing Fool: You hero you, you saved us from being B6 mind slaves! And here we thought it was donuts, you're so humble! Have a cookie, which, by the way, ACTUALLY sends cookies your way in real life! Dear Punkrocker64 gave me a cookie twice and I got a cookie twice today! YAAAY! **

**Have another cookie. Chocolate chip. **

**Hope this possession spell you've had for a while goes down! **

**RoyalFanatic: Thanks for the cake, although I didn't like the raisins much…**

**Have a whole box of cookies, I feel so bad about leaving you out of the action! You can have the next chapter, okay? **

**Totallystrange: Oh yes, good luck with your story! I checked out the email…have yet to read the story! And I'm online as well too! **

**Have a newbie author gift basket. It comes with cookies, cake, a milkshake, and a machine gun added personally by yours truly! Smiles! **

**Now, I hope this chapter was good…This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out! **


	15. Handyman Falcon to the Rescue!

Caliban: I know, way to take a million years! Just be glad it wasn't two million years :P!

Tesla: The truth is, she's a slacker.

Um…don't hurt me! Especially you Blazing Fool, don't kill me for your precious flamethrower! I'll even dedicate the chapter to you! Although this chapter is mostly for people who hate toasters. Since I got mine, I've had to stick a fork in it about eighteen times, no exaggerations. Not to mention they're murder with the smoke detector…

Disclaimer: HA-HA! My next great plan to own Super Smash Bros. Melee. Wait no, I forgot about the guards again. So I still don't own the darn video game!

_When Electronics Fight Back. Starring Handyman Falcon! _

It was an ordinary day at the Smash Mansion, in fact, a really nice one. Bowser wasn't causing much trouble since he was beaten severely by a rabid Blazing Fool who wanted his flamethrower back. Peach and the Pokemon were walking around the courtyard. The Ice Climbers actually left the never-ending battle in the rec room to go frolic, like this author has done many times when outside. Link, Mario, Fox, DK and any other main characters of video games were having a big golfing match to settle who was the best of them or whatever. When it comes to Smashers, it's all about blind competition and fighting.

Point-blank, everyone was enjoying their day. But what's this? Where's the Smash Mansion? It's just a big pile of smoking rubble! Can't you people go even three days without a demolition derby?

Oh, wait, never mind. I was looking the wrong way. The Smash Mansion was OVER THERE. One thinks that it was rebuilt in an incredibly short time, some place away from the smoking crater where it first used to be.

But what happened here?

One looks closer and finds a figure covered in ash, nearly dead, wearing a HOME DEPOT apron and holding one static-covered, but still working toaster.

Earlier in the morning…

I am Falcon, handyman of ultimate fix-itness, and for my chapter I shall film my handy-man escapades!

"What escapades? You never fix anything," Samus cut in.

Being the focused hard working handyman I am, I shall ignore that last comment and the way she just cut into my chapter. Get your own, it's chapter eight!

Okay, for my first job…

As you don't know, the toaster has been broken for many months. How do I know this? It ate Marth's cape, it burned my English muffins, it keeps shaking and sparking every time you touch it, and sometimes it growls at you if you look at it for too long. We were forced to keep it in a cage because of our inability to unplug the little monster, and for the longest time since, no one has been able to experience the joys of frozen waffles, bagels, and of course English muffins. Many have tried to best it, and I think I'll give it a whirl.

"I've come to fix the-"

"Shush, shush, it just fell asleep!" Luigi whispered, quickly placing a towel over the cage "Maybe if we're lucky we can unplug it!"

"Don't worry. I'm here to fix it," I replied, looking like the heroic handyman.

"Are you crazy? That thing will eat your tool belt, and maybe even you too! It's vicious, and it doesn't like you," Luigi whispered fiercely.

"How do you know?" I asked, confused. Everyone likes a handyman!

"It growls AND sparks when it sees you. It knows you want to dismantle it," Luigi replied.

"Now that's just creepy. Just give me a few seconds and this baby will never burn another English muffin again," I said, whirling out my trusty screwdriver.

Luigi tossed me the key to the cage and ran out of the room.

"Don't say I didn't warn-oh no! It woke up!"

True to his word, the toaster had woken up. Now, I remember seeing the little bugger asleep when everyone was pitching in to cage it, but I'd never realized how truly evil it was, or how big it was, until just that moment.

And then it growled and lunged at me!

"Are you sure that thing's a toaster!" I asked, gasping and trying to put it back in its cage.

"It's gone beyond a toaster a while ago, but it used to be one!" Luigi yelled over the sound of static.

"It's got a face and it's spitting microchips at me! WHOA!" I yelled, trying to fight it off with the screwdriver.

"It's attacking because it can smell your fear! Try throwing it in water! It's a toaster! It hates water!" Luigi replied.

"OW! It's whipping me with its plug, I can barely move!" I yelled back, as the toaster bit my screwdriver in half and chucked it away.

"It must have paralyzed you with its venom-I mean electric static stuff! It never goes unplugged, it must really hate you!" Luigi yelled.

"Thanks a lot! But-OW-how-OW-do I stop it! It's like a rabid dog here!" I yelled, and it spat another microchip at me.

"You're the handyman! It's your problem now!" Luigi snapped.

"That term has gotten too vague! We need freaking Bill Gates to stop this thing! That's it! I'm using your worst enemy against you!" I snapped, brandishing a fork. I jammed it into a slot, and out came one pitiful microchip, which the toaster choked out miserably.

"So THAT'S what was bothering it! This chip must have been viral, and it messed around with the battery-generator thingy, that made it go berserk! It's a normal toaster now," Luigi said, as he plugged it in casually and made an English muffin, dusting the toaster off.

"That's one good toaster, if it can survive the evils of a fork," I said, and then stole Luigi's English muffin, munching it. "Good stuff. Consider that payment for fixing the toaster."

Roy walked into the kitchen as I left it, and started whooping loudly.

"YEAH! The toaster's fixed! Frozen waffles here I come!" After that, all I heard were several packets of waffles being opened, loud beeping from the smoke detector, and then menacing, static roaring.

"GAH! It's alive! Cage it, cage it! AAH! It's spitting microchips!"

"Roy, you fool! Why did you put sixteen waffles in at once? The toaster can only handle fifteen!" Luigi snapped.

"GAH! It's whipping me with its plug!"

I was going to go help them but then…

"Screw it, let them fix their own toaster," and I continued on my merry way.

Then something happened which I definitely couldn't ignore. A huge blinding bolt of static erupted, and then suddenly you hear whirring. And buzzing. And cutting. And more sounds which didn't come from a toaster, not at all unless…

"THE TOASTER INFECTED ALL THE APPLIANCES IN THE MANSION!"

The color drained out of my whole body. In the hallway I was standing in, all the light bulbs exploded. The tall lamp in the corner began walking of it's own accord, trampling people. The stairs-what? The stairs?

Peach ran by and suddenly opened her walkie-talkie.

"Listen up people! This is Peach on the intercom! Evacuate the building! It's not safe here! The static's infected the mansion's mainframe!"

She closed her walkie-talkie and then it was her turn to pale.

"Oh no…I didn't know it was this serious!" Peach gasped, as she saw the stairs whipping people who tried to go on them.

"What are you talking about? It's just a little infection in the mainframe. So the internet will be down for a little while, big deal?" I asked.

"No…it's much worse than that. The whole house is connected to a super mainframe. Everything, and I mean everything in here is one hundred percent electronic: living things, inanimate objects, the Hands, even the village. A minor infection usually just means a few Internet connections like you said. A major one means we won't be using any computers or television. An even worse one means we won't be able to turn on the lights, use any appliances, telephones, or running water including toilets. But when the mainframe is this heavily damaged, the furniture goes wacky, the doors and windows don't open, the floor tries to eat us, and the walls fade randomly. But then there's worse, way worse. If we don't fix the mainframe soon, the whole mansion collapses. And we Smashers won't exist anymore because the mainframe supports us living here together without messing with the fabric of reality. But if the mainframe dies, we'll be stuck in pockets of non-reality forever!"

"Then whose bright idea was it to connect our lives to a computer? We're living beings, not computer programs!" I snapped "So I guess we'll have to destroy that toaster…"

There was a sudden explosion coming from the kitchen.

"The toaster!" I gasped, and ran into the kitchen, which was in ruins. The sink faucet had burst, the stove was on flambé mode, the refrigerator was roaring with the door opening and closing. Luigi and Roy were cowering on the floor with saucepans on their heads, shaking spatulas.

"Guys, what happened in here? Where's the toaster?" I asked.

They fearfully pointed up.

"It…escaped through the ceiling. It growled something about the roof and left," Roy quivered "Now can you please get us out of here? The food processor hasn't stopped staring at us since it got infected…"

I sighed and tossed them out the window, which thankfully was still working.

"You guys go out there and get as many electrical jammer rods as possible," I said.

"Electrical whosits?" Roy asked.

"STUN RODS!" I snapped.

"Oh…well why didn't you just say that in the first place?" Luigi asked.

"Just go," I sighed.

"Okay, two down, twenty three to go," Peach said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, we have to get the Smashers out of here before the doors stop opening and the floor tries to eat us. That's going to happen in an hour and a half. Any later and we're dead," Peach said calmly, checking her nails.

"Great. You should really tell me these things sooner," I grumbled.

The first room we went to was the living room. The TV was trying to eat people, chanting 'Must. Destroy. Humans.'. The lamps were sparking like a Pikachu with a cold, and the hyperactive DVD player was stalking poor Pichu who was cowering under a cushion. Jigglypuff and Ness were there too.

"R-Roy was going to get snacks for the sumo match when suddenly the TV ATE Samus like a candy-coated a-a-apple!" Ness sobbed.

"Jig-Jigglypuff! We had to make a fort out of the couch to survive!" she squealed.

"PICHU! Yeah!" Pichu agreed quietly.

"Don't worry kids! I'll get you out of here!" I said. Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"In a second, I'm being heroic," I said. It tapped again "I told you, I'm-" I turned around, and saw the ferocious TV roar.

"AAAAAHHHH!"

And so a chase very similar to Tom and Jerry occurred, before I got lazy and just smacked the darn thing.

"Bad dog!" I snapped. It growled confusedly. "Sit…" It sighed and stopped moving. This is where I got confused.

"Roll over!" It rolled over. "Okay…spit back everything you ate and go sit against the wall. The sumo match is on."

Like the good doggy it was, it spat out Samus, walked back to the wall, and plugged itself in, turning to Lola Likitung's commentary about Vicious Venusaur.

They turned the couch upright again and watched the game, yelling 'VICIOUS VENUSAUR!'. Same old same old. Well, almost. The lamps still had problems, but a glare and a growl quickly fixed that problem.

"Alright! Six down, nineteen to go!" Peach cheered.

"Would you stop that?" I asked.

"Uh…TO THE UPSTAIRS!" she yelled heroically.

"Have you forgotten going upstairs means going UP STAIRS?" I asked.

"Yes. But we can just take the elevator! Now, TO THE UPSTAIRS!" she said again, dashing out of the room.

"That's terrible grammar," I thought, but went anyways.

Needless to say, it was pretty awkward in the elevator.

"I didn't know we had an elevator! All the wasted trips up the stairs…hey…wait a second! If the STAIRS aren't working, why on earth would the elevator work? That makes zero sense! It should be the other way around!" I snapped.

The elevator stopped abruptly, like it suddenly realized something.

"Uh oh…you just had to remind it! Well, we're on the second floor anyways. Let's get out of here before it compresses!" she squealed, and we both jumped out at the last second before the elevator shaft crunched together.

"Well that just about does it. We're not going back down there again," I said "And I really wish I could because it's a MAD HOUSE OVER HERE!"

This was true. Not only was it dark and scary, but there was menacing laughter, screaming, crying, and lots and lots of exploding. Worst of all was the explosion that erupted out of Young Link's room. That one actually blew the door down.

"I think we'll go to that one first," I said, grabbing my wrench.

"Now be prepared. We might see anything in-PEACH?" I yelled. She just frolicked her way into the room without any caution at all! One day she's going to end up a pink smear on the wall, let me tell you.

"HELP MEEEE!" I heard Young Link scream.

I ran in and saw the two of them hanging on to the chandelier while Nintendo Game Cube controllers circled around, growling like dogs.

"I'm going to squish you flat for mashing my A- button, you berserker! This kid won the Button-Masher award sixteen consecutive times in ONE sitting!" went one controller.

"I'm going to give you bruises for playing so many R-and-L button Mario games! You know this kid practically breaks those buttons in every time he touches them?" said another.

"I'm going to hurt you for killing my joystick with your stupid fishing in Zelda! That game is a controller's nightmare! My joystick's so off I can't even teach my C-Stick how to move a character any more. My own C-Stick!" yelled another.

The other controllers agreed.

"Yes, fishing is the top of the controller hate list," they all murmured.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm just addicted to video games, that never hurt anyone!" Young Link tried, as the controllers jumped for them.

"It sure hurts us when a kid fishes for three hours!"

"Now, Young Link, have you really been fair to the controllers? They're beings too. They need time off just like the rest of us. And one controller can't even teach his C-Stick anymore," Peach said. The controllers all agreed.

"No, ma'am…" Young Link grumbled.

"And controllers, have you ever actually TRIED asserting your problems before it got out of hand?" Peach asked.

"Well, now that you mention it, no. But then again, we've never been given otherworldly powers due to a burst of infected static electricity, so we never had a chance," a controller replied.

"So, what do you propose is a solution?" Peach asked.

"To hang maybe just a smidgeon lower so we can beat the tar out of you. But that's just us," the controller said.

"Well, alright then," Peach said, about to let go, when I stopped her.

"No! Are you crazy? These controllers are evil!" I snapped.

"But what are we going to do then?" Young Link asked.

"Simple. It's SMASHING TIME!" I roared, taking my hammer out.

"Bring it!" the controllers yelled.

One by one I smashed the controllers into the carpets, caught the giant fish in Zelda with them, threw them against walls after being frustrated in Wario World, and lastly, stepping on them with a satisfying crunch.

"You can come down now," I said.

Young Link gratefully dropped down onto the carpet, along with Peach. The closets rattled.

"Oh great. More appliances…" I snapped.

The closet fell open, revealing Fox, Falco, Link, and Zelda.

"YAY! They're gone!" Link cheered.

"What are you guys doing in my room?" Young Link asked.

"Technically, it's Link's room too. And we were just…making ourselves scarce for a little bit since our room was filled with menacing, living electrical devices! And then the controllers came to life, and we've been here ever since," Fox said.

"I see. You people have got to be the biggest chickens in the whole mansion," I said.

"We've got our reasons," Zelda said.

"I really resent that big chicken comment. Do I look like a bird to-wait, don't answer that," Falco said.

"Whatever," I sighed, leaving.

"Ha-ha! Eleven down, fourteen to go!" Peach cheered.

"That's really getting annoying. And didn't I tell you to stop?" I asked.

"No, you asked me. And I never answered, and oh did you hear that? Someone's in trouble!" Peach snapped.

We were in the hallway when we heard screaming.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!"

"I know that scream of utter terror! That's Marth!" Peach said.

True to her word, Marth suddenly made a sharp corner, screaming and waving his arms, and no wonder. Possibly the most vicious evil appliance yet, the washing machine was spinning FOOD PROCESSOR fast, and it didn't look happy.

"I'll turn you into porridge. You're always overworking me, dumping your nasty capes in without any thought at all, or even worse, CLEAN clothes that you put in there only to torment me or feed your hypochondria tendencies!" the washing machine roared.

Caliban: I feel like annoying people with my dictionary words today. Hypochondria: is a phobia of dirt and germs. Examples: Tohma Seguchi , obsessive-compulsive cleaners etc.,

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay? You're my best friend, really! I'd be lost without you!" Marth screeched, still running.

"No, you ARE lost with me, because I plan on turning you into porridge! Besides, the blow dryer is your best friend, not me," the washing machine said.

"Then who's Roy?" Marth asked.

"That's easy. He's your-" but the washing machine never got to finish, because it saw me. "Oh no! A handyman! You're not getting in my way!"

"Who me?" I asked.

It then started chasing me.

"Uh oh…AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

That thing chased me a long, long way, and considering it was the third most infected appliance in the mansion, the first and second being the toaster and the mainframe, it had all the other evil appliances chasing me too, roaring.

"Peach, HELP!" I yelled.

"Hang on, I need to count how many you saved! Twelve, thirteen, fourteen…"

"PEACH, screw the counting and help!" I yelled, hitting a dead end.

I was doomed. So doomed. The army was catching up when suddenly…

The washing machine was smacked into a wall with a door.

It turned out to be the men's room door, and out was Mario.

"Whew. I finally finished fixing the toilet that takes you to new dimensions. Hey Falcon. What's up?" Mario asked lazily, rubbing his sleepy eye.

"Nothing. Except you just saved my life!" I said.

I peered behind the door.

"Well I'll be. You took out all the appliances," I said.

"Of course. Never underestimate the power of a good door! Now, I need to sleep…" Mario said, walking through a wall, which then faded.

"Huh? Uh oh…"

The mainframe was still infected, and at this rate we were going to end up in pockets of non-reality!

Peach ran over.

"We have to get to the mainframe and stop the infection before-oh no!" she checked the doors and windows "They don't open!" She looked down, and the floor suddenly grew fangs "The floor tries to eat us!" She looked at her hand, which was see-through "AND WE'LL CEASE TO EXIST, FOREVER TRAPPED IN POCKETS OF NON-REALITY!"

She let out a piercing scream.

"Calm down…just calm down and tell me where the nearest exit to the roof is!" I snapped.

"Don't you get it? There isn't one! We're doomed!" Peach snapped. She collapsed into a thumb-sucking fetal position.

"Great. What a great time for her to go loony. You! Pansy! You're my sidekick now," I snapped, grabbing Marth.

"W-what? I'm no one's sidekick!" he snapped.

"Then do you want to find out what that washing machine was going to say? Over the mansion intercom?" I asked.

"Fine," he instantly said.

"Okay. Then I need you to help me turn reality upside down somehow, so that we fall through the ceiling," I said.

Marth pointed to a red emblem on the ceiling that looked oddly familiar.

"Hey, isn't that from Zelda?" I asked.

"Who really cares? Just throw a light bulb at it or something," he replied.

I wasn't sure if a light bulb was going to work, but it did, and soon the ceiling was the floor and the floor was the ceiling.

Caliban: If anyone has ever been to the Stone Tower in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, there's this red emblem thingy you hit with a light arrow and it makes reality go upside down somehow so that if you fall, you fall into the sky. Really weird, I know, but it's the coolest part of the game LOL!

It took more minutes than it should have, but I used my tools to break through the ceiling. Which unfortunately, resulted in the longest fall I'd ever had. Lucky for me, neither Marth nor I fell through the actual sky, but were lucky enough to end up on the roof.

If you scroll back up to Roy cowering in fear in the kitchen, you'll notice he talked about the toaster being on the roof. Well, that's true.

It was there, in all its static, menacing glory.

"Time to dismantle it!" I cheered, and then realized I had no tools. Well, except for an exact-o-knife, but you really only use those to get rid of pesky nails and stuff. It's as useful as a butter knife in terms of weapons, or dismantling tools.

But at this point, I was just SO frustrated, SO tired, SO annoyed, and almost completely faded, I just snapped.

"I don't care if you never make another darn English muffin again! You're more trouble than you're worth! I'm taking you out!"

The toaster actually looked scared when I grabbed it. I didn't use a fork. I didn't negotiate and then use a tool or something. I just smashed it against a wall, and boy, did it work.

"Falcon, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't do it, you'll-" Marth began.

"Explosion imminent. Countdown from ten begins. Ten. Nine. Eight," the toaster's mechanical voice began.

Well, it almost worked.

I tried everything I could to turn it off before it exploded, even though there wasn't much left of Smash World to go down along with it.

"Four. Three. Two," the voice continued.

There was just one idea left!

I carefully placed it under my helmet and sat on it.

"One. Sayonara. I really hope you aren't here to hear this," said the mechanical voice.

The resulting explosion was too massive for words. Perhaps it coincided with the collapse of the universe, I don't know.

All I knew was that when it was over, everything was back to normal, I was still incredibly alive, and so were the Smashers.

Samus walked over to ask me about what happened.

When I told her all I knew, she couldn't stop laughing. This is Samus mind you!

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"You saved the Smashers, the world, the universe, and yourself. You did everything, but the toaster's still busted," she said, laughing some more. "Hey, Falcon, are you alright? You look like you just popped a blood vessel. Now you look like you fainted. Hey, he's really down for the count. Wow. Ah well. Time to make some English muffins."

She grabbed the toaster, and walked toward the mansion.

And that was the last time I ever tried to fix anything. At least, until the TV busted on the day of the sumo final.

_Author's Notes: You people will hate me for this, but this chapter was originally finished ages ago. But I tweaked it a little…and it instantly went from six pages to ten. How 'bout that? I just can't help myself! Personally, I don't think it was too bad this time 'round, but just to make sure…_

Reviews: Long time no see!

Urby: Yes, I take forever, Urby. So long, that I don't try to sneak out of studying for exams to finish this chapter off. I suck! Seriously, I only have four exams. It's not like I didn't even have enough time to get near a computer. Okay, yes, I'm so sarcastic. But hey, you have a flaming license since you review every chapter!

Thanks for the spelling tip, it's been a while since I encountered the spelling of any Pokemon! It's mostly just guess work…hehe…

If I made it Zelda that wouldn't have been fair! I know some people who really hate her, so I'm going to do something even funnier with her! Or maybe I did already. I don't remember.

Blazing Fool: I'm glad you aren't possessed anymore, I was sure they were going after me next! That's why I locked myself in my office during the Christmas ball. Not even Demon of the Black Fire could drag me out.

You got your baby back, don't worry. And it's flaming even better than ever.

Totallystrange: I based the Japanese eater on that guy in America who kills hot dog eating contests! My sibs and I were sure he wasn't human. I swear, they aren't human. Maybe the Japanese are perfect elves or something like Legolas! And maybe I'm just crazy. Whatever.

I could go on forever, I've missed writing so much, but I'll MSN you later, I guess.

Elfbrat: You're welcome! And I hope you enjoyed the wedding. Wait…author alert tells you when it's updated? Oo I'm so doing that! Yes, I'm weird.

Xiao Dark-cloud: Let me start with YOUR FORUM! It rocks! Seriously, it's the best. It's growing real fast too. I just made a forum because I love Link, but you think about the greater good and made the ULTIMATE SSBM forum! Good for you!

Yes, sorry for taking so long.

Fayt: Well no DUH you can join! You can even give your ideas, which weapons, what you look like…and if you bug me enough, you can be a permanent addition to the wacky team!

Black mage Jr.: Nope, not many do. It's a creepy, scary show that I try not to watch, and is for the mature, I suppose. But I watch it anyways. Besides, we all know it has something to do with witches, and possibly fire…as for the Ice Climbers, would you like them separate or them sort of together, because I've got this Ice Climber: Part One thing going in my head…

Demon of the Black Fire: AT LAST! I wrote something! I hope it wasn't too long, I get so carried away. Anyways, whether you reviewed or not, or whether I just don't check enough, thanks for the feedback! Have a cookie!

Punkrocker64: Thanks for the gender check, I can never tell. Seriously, I have problems. I'm a chick, and yet on the lab exam I labeled the female parts with male parts! And I suck at housekeeping of any kind! I can't clean, and I almost burn down the kitchen three times a week. Just yesterday I killed a pot making custard! So I ramble a lot too.

Psychogunner: Hmm…I think it's actually Psycho Shocker, but what do I know about Yu Gi Oh? It's a cool name either way.

AshRB: Tell me about it. I'm ALWAYS hungry. I eat like a horse. Everything makes me hungry. TOOTHPASTE makes me hungry! Yup.

RoyalFanatic: I've made up my mind. YOU are my new commentator for the stadium in the Smash Mansion! Yes, YOU! I need more, and you're just about wacky enough. See you in next chapter!

All of you, I LOVE you people! Have cookies, chocolate chip! Kisses and hugs, this is Caliban the Wizard, signing out! I'll never take this long again, I promise. No, I'm serious, I'll give you all a week's notice or something before exams. High school sucks, doesn't it?


	16. STREEEEEET BRAAAAAAAAAWL!

Caliban's Chattering: Yup, I'm alive! Now, I know some of us are freezing their butts off. It is February after all. So here's a little chapter that'll warm you up better than a hot chocolate. Okay, maybe not. It's around the same time as the Link chapter, all the way back to Chapter Two.

Disclaimer: I don't own SSBM. Too lazy to be dramatic today…

_Popo's Ice CreaMobile! Now with More Brawling. _

Yes, it's a hot day. A sweltering day. A day so hot you can cook an egg on the sidewalk. At least, that's what Celebi is screaming into the mike. I wouldn't know. In fact, I'm just SO COLD IN HERE I'd KILL for a heat wave or something, if there wasn't already one.

How so? Well, when you're locked in a freezer, it's difficult not to be cold.

There was extreme banging on all sides, swaying the truck back and forth.

"Hey you animals! Watch the paint job! And let me out of here!" I snapped, but no avail.

How do I get myself into these things!

Much Earlier…

The Smash Mansion was sweltering. The precious mansion-wide air conditioner spontaneously combusted due to overuse, so people were fighting over electric fans and what precious few box air conditioners they had. But the heat was so bad DK scorched his fingers trying to lift a metal barbell. It was so bad the toilets wouldn't flush because the water evaporated too fast. It was so DARN HOT it zapped Link into another dimension! Okay, maybe he was gone that day, I don't know, but I didn't see any trace of his existence, not even Young Link, for the whole day.

All that was left was talk of a new event match and his beloved hat.

But I can't talk either. I was scarce that day as well. AWOL. Gone. Nana felt somewhat lost without me, like she suddenly lost her left hand or some such thing.

But if she knew I was working on THE greatest ice cream truck in the whole entire universe, she wouldn't mind much, not at all. I'd put up a bunch of flyers over the week.

You should have seen how people reacted when they heard the tell tale ice cream truck music.

It was like they stopped breathing.

The frantic ice cream vendors breathed a sigh of relief and then…

"Ice cream…"

"Ice cream!"

"Ice cream!"

"Popsicles!"

"ICE CREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" the whole of Smash Estates yelled.

"ICE CREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!" Roy roared, jumping out the nearest window.

What happened next was a scene similar to Rat Race. Little kids jumped into motorbikes, cars, school buses, wrestled tiny unicycles from clowns, threw very ill patients out of wheel-chairs, piled into pedicabs, wheelbarrows, rolled on actual barrels like lumberjacks, whatever they could get their hands on. Horses were stolen right off gambling tracks. DOGS were stolen off gambling tracks. Farms suddenly had no livestock, as Young Link wannabes even grabbed chickens to hover for a few seconds.

Even so, that still left an ample stampede of heat-stricken children, running, RUNNING AS THOUGH THEIR LIVES DEPENDED ON IT!

The Smashers were there, several civilians in bathing suits joined in, and of course, Roy was at the front of it all, with a few kids on his shoulders trying to get ahead.

"Can't you run any faster? This is ICE CREAM we're talking 'bout! Not Popsicles. Not frozen yogurt. We're talking bout the REAL DEAL ICE CREAM stuff here!" a random bossy kid yelled.

Poor Nana was huffing and puffing at the front of the crowd.

"Why don't you slow down?" Sheik asked.

"If I slow down, I'll be trampled to death! The force of the stampede is the only thing keeping me up right now!" Nana snapped, and suddenly rushed forward, as though the stampede increased.

Sheik simply sighed.

"LOOK! It's the ice cream truck! Take out the money!" Roy yelled.

Several cha-ching noises were created as people produced wallets.

"Line ready…" Roy began.

Everyone zeroed in on the truck.

"CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!"

In what looked like an explosion, people rushed forward, yelling out their purchases.

"Frutti-Tutti Sherbet!"

"French Vanilla low faa-at!"

"Caramel French Vanilla Surprise on a sugar cone!"

"Praline Explosion on a waffle cone!"

"Three scoop mint sundae!"

It was, to say the least, a crowd I struggled to please.

And there was this one REALLY annoying kid who was bouncing around screaming for his Raspberry Jubilation.

Surprisingly, I actually managed to get all those orders in and for a while it was nothing but CHA-CHING in the cash register.

Roy skipped on individual servings and bought the whole canister of Lime Sherbet, much to the crowd's dismay.

"You monster! That was a best-seller!" some lady in the crowd snapped.

"What are you yelling at me for? Seems to me you've eaten enough ice cream to last you a life time," he replied. The woman turned brilliant red and grabbed the hardest thing she could, whacking Roy over the head.

This, unfortunately, happened to be Fayt's war hammer. And Fayt, unfortunately, happened to be part of the most insane group of sugar-addict, temperamental maniacs ever. After reading this story, I don't think I need to tell you who exactly they were.

"HEEEEY!" Fayt snapped "That was my mallet! Get your own!"

"What's wrong Fayt?" Urby asked "Get back in line before you're trampled."

"She stole my mallet!" he whined.

"Look, we don't have time for-hey! You stole my spot!" Urby snapped at the annoying Raspberry Jubilation kid.

He simply stuck his tongue at her, which was bright pink.

"And you already had an ice cream!" Urby snapped again.

"And a five finger discount too, swimsuit lady!" he replied very annoyingly.

"S-swimsuit lady?" Urby asked. She grabbed Fayt's war hammer from the lady, and smacked the kid, who took out a yo-yo and started strangling her with it.

"What is this, a wrestling match? Can you try and be a little calmer? Your stupid fight is aggravating me!" a man snapped.

"Aggravate this," the Raspberry Jubilation kid snapped, throwing a painful baseball square at the man's nose, causing an even more painful CRACK!

"Oh yeah. It's on," the man snapped, taking out nun chucks, twirling them around threateningly.

That part of the line formed a ring.

"Two quid on the Jubilation kid!"

"Ten on the Angry Chick!"

Everyone started roaring and pulling bets.

Blazing Fool sighed, knowing that yet again, he'd have to get the ice cream for EVERYONE.

True to that, Xiao, Royal Fanatic, and Yoshizilla joined the betting pit, as well as Demon of the Black Fire.

"Fifty bucks on the Angry Chick!" they yelled.

"Twenty on the Angry Chick!" Demon of the Black Fire yelled.

And as for me, well, let's just say the line isn't so patient.

_-Looks at Murderous Faces -_

"Um…FREE ICE!" I yelled.

The line turned back into a massive jumble, as more people were rocking the ice cream truck than betting on the amazing fight between the annoying Jubilation kid, the Nun Chucks fighter who turned out to be the only karate teacher ever to jump from a sky scraper and survive, and the famous mercenary.

"We want ice. We want ice. We want ice!" they all chanted.

"Uh oh…"

I tried jumped out the window the exact same time the truck fell on its side.

Now I was mad. The ice cream had mixed into a nasty, vomit colored blur on the scorching asphalt, and I was really making a mint there.

"No more Mr. Nice Climber!" I snapped, taking out a paintball gun.

"Ooh… a paintball gun! Please don't shoot, I'm too young to-" the gangster began sarcastically, and was pummeled with a paint bullet the size of a beach ball.

I charged my gun again.

"Want seconds?" I asked.

Suddenly, the guy who made the first bet, suddenly the impromptu fight host, grabbed an abandoned toy mike and yelled 'STREEEET BRAAAAAAAAAWL! Winner takes all!"

Has anyone ever been caught in a street riot before? It's not pleasant. I'll guarantee you'll find more teeth on the pavement during a street brawl than you will at a dentist.

You probably won't find more yelling, screaming, and hilarious battle cries anywhere.

"CHU-YI-YI-YAAAAAAAAAAA!" the Jubilation kid roared.

"WA-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" Urby yelled, smacking her hammer on the pavement so hard it broke through solid concrete.

"EEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" the Nun Chucks Guy snapped.

Surprisingly, the worst brawl wasn't near Urby and the other two random civilians, but over the last surviving canister of Praline Explosion.

"Back off! I left my office for this exact moment!" Caliban snapped, grabbing a stray bloodied crowbar.

"I want that ice cream!" Roy snapped, whirling around a chain like a maniac.

"I want out of here!" Blazing Fool said, desperately trying to save the several ice cream cones he had on a tray.

While the fight between Caliban and Roy began, with plenty of flying kicks and hits to the noggin, Blazing Fool slowly began creeping away to find the other team mates so he could get out of here.

"Totallystrange, you have to get out of here before the ice cream melts and you die," Blazing Fool snapped.

"Did you say 'and you die' or 'or you die'?" totallystrange asked, firing another round, not caring the place was full of children.

"AND YOU DIE! If you think I went through all that just to have your extremely expensive ice cream melt before you even have a taste I will personally burn you to a crisp!" Blazing Fool snapped.

"At least gimme a minute. I've never had so much fun. I've been waiting for an estates-wide street brawl since I joined the SSBECF!" he cheered, shooting more people, and even someone who was sneaking up behind with one of those decapitation strings.

Blazing Fool and grabbed totallystrange, heading for Royal Fanatic, who was in the direct middle of the brawl with Xiao Dark-cloud.

"WA-CHAAAAAAAAW!" she snapped, throwing some guy over her shoulder with her amazing judo.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YA!" Xiao yelled, flying-kicking someone so they ended up like a star in the sky.

"Guys, we need to get out of here. Oh, and take your dumb ice cream cones. You now owe me twenty three bucks each," Blazing Fool snapped.

"What? I thought they only cost three bucks each," Royal Fanatic said, punching someone, knocking them out.

"Yeah, but the twenty bucks is for the difficulty of keeping them. Now pay up," Blazing Fool said.

"No way," Xiao said, head butting someone, causing them to faint.

"Hey, that was pretty good," totallystrange said.

"Okay. Then you have to help me get Urby and Yoshizilla AND Caliban," Blazing Fool snapped.

"What about Fayt?" Royal Fanatic asked.

"Fayt's strong enough. He'll live. But the other three are going to fight themselves into the ground," Blazing Fool said "And Flamer was too dangerous to bring in this heat."

"It's okay. We're dangerous enough anyways, even unarmed," Royal Fanatic said, brandishing her claws, and Xiao showed off her secret shuriken boomerang.

"Aw man…how come you guys have such cool weapons? We didn't get anything!" Blazing Fool whined.

"Correction. YOU didn't get anything. I got smoke bombs," totallystrange said.

"Snap," Blazing Fool said.

Meanwhile, at the ice cream truck, things were getting worse.

"Take that!" I yelled, shooting a paint rocket "And that! And take some of these…!"

Suddenly, the launcher stopped firing.

"Uh oh…"

Brawlers gushed forth, throwing me into the truck, which somehow had me locked in the freezer.

"Hey! The crazy rocket launcher kid got locked in the freezer! Every man for themselves!"

The whole brawl suddenly stopped, and gathered on the truck, hopping up and down till Popsicles came out.

"Every year. Every year I open the truck, THIS HAPPENS! A brawl breaks out, my truck gets trashed, and I stop making money after the first twenty minutes! EVERY YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!" I roared, so loud my lungs nearly burst.

In fact, the whole truck burst. Right into flames, the whole place erupting in smoke.

"Okay, who threw the smoke bomb?" I asked.

The brawlers all had the same fearful, paralyzed look on their face, but none guilty.

"Quick, quick, get the money! Before the smoke clears…" Caliban whispered fiercely.

"We're grabbing, we're grabbing," the SSBECF chanted, and next thing you know, they were gone.

"Hey! Where's the canister of Praline Explosion?" Roy asked.

"Where is the free ice?" the annoying Raspberry Jubilation kid asked.

"WHERE THE HECK IS MY MONEY!" I yelled.

"Where's the SSBECF?" Sheik asked, and people that actually got a reaction out of people.

Then realization dawned.

"Oh, I don't care. This happens every year," I sighed "No harm done. I didn't lose any money out of opening the ice cream truck."

"Let's go to the ice cream store!" Roy yelled, and led the children to annoy the heck out of the ice cream store staff.

"Let's get back to the pool," the civilians said, stowing away their weapons.

And soon the day was back to normal. Well, except for all the people who were trampled. And all the cracks, teeth, and remnants of explosions in the pavement. And the flaming ice cream truck.

Somewhere outside the city, the SSBECF were laughing their butts off.

"Man oh man. That was the best plan ever, Urby! We got like six hundred dollars out of that deal!" Royal Fanatic cheered.

"Enough to finally buy some limited edition Sheena Dark Purple!" Xiao cheered.

The girls of the group all cheered.

"I can't believe they wasted our time like that!" Fayt whined.

"Hey, I got a little fun out of it," totallystrange said.

"And I got a whole canister of free ice cream!" Caliban cheered.

"And I made a mint off betting!" Yoshizilla said.

"And they all have a death wish anyways," Blazing Fool said.

I can't say I never opened the truck again, but I can say that a huge street brawl never erupted again. At least, until the Smash Olympics came to town…

_Author's Notes: That was fun to write! More on the way, hope you liked it! Send your comments and questions via review! Oh, and there are still openings for SSBECF! If you've suddenly been 'omitted', complain and I won't forget to add you in. _

Reviews:

Love you all, you're so patient.

Demon of the Black Fire: Thanks a lot for the review! Have a whole box of cookies. Trust me, those things really send you cookies. Someone sent me a cookie and I got a real one that same moment I read it. Creepy huh?

Wow! I can't type in the dark. In fact most of this story was created by staring at the keyboard. At least I'm fast though.

Xiao Dark-cloud: Yes, you're a fine moderator. You actually go on your forums. I never go on, even on my own forums. Yes, I'm a bum.

Osilus: It's pretty difficult to hang on to every character, but I don't think it should be really a factor, 'cause if you sign up as a SSBM writer, it's kind of a must…thanks for reviewing!

AshRB: YEAH! Tell me what flavor cookie you like…I'll send you some.

Psychogunner: I hope your balloons of destruction don't reach this computer, or I will get non-stop pop-ups! Ha! POP-ups! Get it? Get it? Ha-HA!

…

I'm entitled to my cheesy joke, okay?

Oh, and as for Majora's Mask, my favorite mask would have to be the Sun's Mask. It took me forever to get it, and I didn't even want to trade it for the stupid Couple's Mask. It took that long.

Elfbrat: SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS MY PLIGHT!

I've always hated how toasters always act up. At least in Britain, the only edible breakfast food, for me anyways, was toast, so of course the toasters there are darn good…but here in North America? NOOO, it's all about the stupid forks!

Hey, maybe your toaster is viral too? Mine's mostly well-behaved, but it hates the flavor of my bagels. What's wrong with cinnamon raisin huh?

Totallystrange: THAT'S so TRUE! You know, I seriously just figured that out on Wikipedia! Poor me…'kay, MSN me!

Royal Fanatic: I've got a special chapter for Mr. Game and Watch, just you wait…and here's a hint. It isn't about milk!

Yoshizilla: By the time I read this, Popo's chapter was done in my head. Uh huh…and a Fox chapter is already done in my head…and a Falco chapter is already done in my head…and a Nana chapter is already done in my head. So you can see, I've been actually thinking out my chapters…Shocking, I know.

Anonymous: Yes, exams suck. Surprisingly, the easiest one I had was Math, 'cause it was only FIVE pages! Our unit tests were harder…

Punkrocker64: Thanks for the oatmeal raisin, they're not as bad as everyone thinks and sometimes the whole chocolate chip deal gets old. I mean, I eat enough chocolate in a day, I'll live…

Okay, I think that's everyone, everyone who reviewed, anyways. I love you people for waiting, hope you liked the chapter…This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out!


	17. BOBOMB SQUAD ATTACKS!

Caliban: I have my reasons for taking so long. I was, in fact, working on Urby's birthday present, but…it's a lot longer than I expected. A LOT. Try only half-way through and it's twenty five pages, no exaggeration. So while I toiled away and away on this surprise which I won't reveal even if you kill me with the MSN, I missed something. Something buried deep in my head. Something I missed sorely. MY STORY! I missed writing it! So here's a new chapter! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: Me no own Super Smash Bros. I love writing this! **

_**Ganondorf and War! **_

It's me, the evil emperor of…well, I'd add more, but today I'm just too…lazy believe it or not. Hey! Don't give me that look! It's hard being evil! You have a reputation to uphold here. You have to make weapons and guards constantly, and think of new, more ingenious ways of trapping your enemies in accursed dungeons. And everyday you must not just think of how to be evil in general, but your own special way to revolutionize the business! It's rough!

So every once in a while, I like to kick it back in the garden.

Besides the rockin' patio and the pool and the privacy and the fact most of the Smashers have dangerous allergies, I like to spend my time there, gardening away.

I suppose you think I'm strange. But I don't cultivate anything CLOSE to ordinary plants.

Peach does all that stuff. She plants the regular flowers and such, and it's not very creative at all. She only plants three species: roses, tulips, and Chinese bellflowers, and they're all relatively close to the mansion. She never uses greenhouses.

But as for me? I use the greenhouses and the fancy plots of land in the just before the fence so everyone can look, or rather…get hurt.

I make bomb flowers and poison ivy and especially Bowser's vicious Venus fly traps. I add some stinging nettles for good measure, plenty of thistles, and my personal favorite, electric-exploding vines. All over the fence, so if anyone touches it, or tries to touch my budding evil flowers as they germinate, they'll get a nasty shock. Literally. I also planted some Mexican fighting trees. Those are always fun.

Ah yes. Mind you, I'm the one who started the greenhouse thing in the first place.

I figured that if this was a house of fighters, we'd need a garden just as vicious, and asked for some seeds to start off.

Surprisingly, everyone agreed, even the heroes of the house, saying the garden was just too…boring.

Fox and Falco sent me some intergalactic bean sprouts, saying they were what the laser energy came from, and they were right too. Those things glowed eerily from the inside…and I had to wear fire-proof clothing. Just the perfect thing a destructive garden needed.

DK asked to have some bananas planted, a special kind that were so huge most often the tree snapped in two if you didn't pick them fast enough. They made good prank material, apparently, and he used them in the Mario Kart games a whole lot.

Mario and Luigi gave me Fire Flowers, unsurprisingly. I'm glad though. Those are really that dangerous. I had to keep them in their own special greenhouse so they didn't burn down the mansion by coming into contact with ordinary grass. I had no idea they could be so… cool. Makes my heart get even colder.

The rest of the Zelda team sent me the most plants. They weren't Bomb flowers, because I already had a whole greenhouse of them. They were Magic Beans, and currently they're the most popular way of getting around the mansion. Even I have to admit they're fun to ride around on, and they're good if you want to prank someone from the air. Not bad at all…

The Ice Climbers sent me some of those fighting vegetables from their mountain. I was surprised. I didn't expect them to have anything at all. The best part is those vegetables are RABID! They said they wanted them to be there just in case the SSBECF came back. I didn't answer, just thinking of all the evil that was in that mansion.

Ness sent some of the most dangerous plants ever. Alien plants. I didn't know what to do with them. I still don't. I don't even want to think about the evil cackling I heard in the safe they're locked in. And I especially don't want to think about what will happen if they somehow germinate, because they're bad enough as seeds.

Kirby sent some giant apples. He wanted some for the item stock. I told him I better not hear that someone broke in a stole any apples as a midnight snack or I'd throw bomb flowers at him.

The Fire Emblem team finally stopped arguing long enough to give me some strange sort of super fruit they said must 'NEVER FALL INTO THE WRONG HANDS OR IT'S THE EEEEENNNNNDDD OF THE WORLD!' Yeah, weird, I know, but that's what they said. I don't even know what it is yet. I plopped a seed into the ground. I water it every day. A whole three months and nada. But whatever. They only gave me two seeds.

Samus gave me a Chozo seed. She said it's where the Screw Attack came from. Supposedly the seed turns into a Chozo statue and POOF! Out comes the Screw Attack. I could hardly believe it. A statue REALLY pops out of a seed. Right… Imagine my surprise when it turned out she was right.

Captain Falcon gave me perhaps the strangest seed of all. Weirder than even the Fire Emblem one, because it turns into a tree in three days, with really flashy, fancy orangey-red tendrils for leaves, burns up three days afterwards, and then a new tree always pops back up three days later. The whole process takes nine days. It should be called the Phoenix Tree, but he called it the Three Tree. He said they grew all over Planet Falcon. I decided not to ask WHERE exactly his bounty hunting career had taken him.

The Pokemon gave me some pretty hilarious stuff! Pokeberry, Pokefruits, and my personal favorite, Pokehedges. Each seed had a label. For example, the Vulpix Pokeberry tasted like cherry and instantly turned into the shape of a Vulpix. Same with the Pikachu Pear, and the Snorlax Hedge. I didn't put them in greenhouses. They grew really fast so I kept them in the courtyard. Everyone liked 'em, and it was fun making those sharp Scyther hedges, the really sour Scyther berries, and even more sour Scyther Granny Smith apples.

Yoshi asked me to plant balloon seeds. They turned into Yoshi-shaped balloons. I only planted them for like…outdoor parties and stuff. Pretty wussy stuff, but at least they weren't boring, and made Yoshi noises when you popped them, with little stars and fireworks…

Mr. Game and Watch didn't have anything to give, so sometimes he helped around the greenhouses. He watered all the plants. They never needed weeding because the fighting trees always took care of that.

So yep. Gardening was a full time job. Not all too hard, and definitely worth it, and I got some peace and quiet too.

That is…until little invaders tried to take the garden's evil, vicious contents for themselves.

Caliban: Alright, alright, I suddenly feel like a suspense writer here, so I'm going to GASP! Break to the SSBECF headquarters.

It was an ordinary-okay, we all know this place is anything BUT ordinary. Blazing Fool and RoyalFanatic where fighting over the good controller, Urby was counting her bottles of nail polish to see how many were left before she had them all, totallystrange was at the training grounds where Demon of the Black Fire was trying to get him to NOT destroy everything for once, AshRB, Fayt, doubledude and Elfbrat were playing exploding poker, where if you had a bad hand, they exploded like firecrackers, Xiao Dark-cloud was raiding the fridge, and Yoshizilla had a little problem on his hands…

"Let me join!" black mage jr. snapped.

"No! Your weapon is too dangerous! Go home already, and STOP FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE!" Yoshizilla snapped back.

Yoshizilla, after unsuccessfully attempting to shake the youth off, was now desperate running around in a circle, getting dizzier and dizzier…

"You wish. Look, just sign the darn contract and I'm off your butt. And besides, my Roulette gun is SO not that dangerous. Not enough to kill anyone, anyways," black mage jr. said.

"Really? I must be imagining that gaping hole through the wall then," Yoshizilla said, pointing to a gaping hole that went through ten walls.

"Look! I'll show you!" black mage jr. said. He lifted his gun, spinning the revolver barrel like it was a roulette circle.

"Roulette option: LIGHTNING! Yeah!" he cheered, jumping up and down.

"WHAT? That's the one that killed my wall!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped, as soon as she heard lightning. "I'll be right back, totallystrange. For once, DON'T SHOOT!"

She appeared too late, and ZAP! A huge torrent of lightning shot through the kitchen, destroying the fridge and almost turning Xiao into a burnt sliver of a person.

Demon of the Black Fire just stood there with her mouth hanging open.

"That's it," she whispered, almost inaudibly.

It didn't seem so bad, and yet everyone paled and cleared out, leaving black mage jr. confused and a little scared.

"Uh oh…" Yoshizilla said, grabbing Xiao and heading for the hills.

"Uh oh…" went Royal Fanatic, grabbing Blazing Fool and heading for the trees.

"Sixty-two…sixty-three…" Urby counted.

"Let's get out of here!" totallystrange said, about to grab Urby, but noticing she just used a grappling hook and swung out the skylight.

Ash RB jumped out the window with the rest of the poker players.

Caliban, locked up in her office as usual, put on a pair of Smashing Ear Muffs, and continued writing this chapter while eating lunch.

"That's it…" Demon of the Black Fire whispered again.

This time black mage jr. really paled.

"Hey…it's not SOOO bad…I'm sure that after a few months of renovations, the electricity in the air will stop!" black mage jr. said cheerfully.

"GET OUT! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! NOW! BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR VOCAL CORDS AND STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM! OUT! AND IF YOU EVEN THINK OF COMING HERE AGAIN, OR TRYING TO SIGN UP AGAIN, YOU'RE DREAMING!" she screamed, cracking her whip so menacingly the lightning shock that went through the kitchen ran away.

"Wow," Blazing Fool said from a tree, as Royal Fanatic was still carrying him "I don't think I've ever heard her scream that loud. She's really pissed off."

"Whoa…Blazing Fool's right. It's even worse than that time we destroyed the world. Remember that?" Urby asked.

"Sure do. I never tried to fix the water heater again, after the way she screamed. But man, she seems extra-mad this time, even madder than when we skipped work yesterday. I wonder why?" Blazing Fool wondered.

"'Cause she has to try extra hard to scare him, of course," Elfbrat said "The kid may be crazier than the whole lot of us, but I'm sure he's just as brave as the best of us."

To everyone's surprise, Elfbrat was right.

Black mage jr. had stood his ground.

"No way," he replied, and that was that.

The SSBECF were silent as they watched.

"Please, just leave," Demon of the Black Fire said.

Black mage jr. was quiet for a moment.

"Hey, what's that?" he asked.

Demon of the Black Fire looked up to see a small black thing with a little parachute fall through the sky above Smash Mansion.

"Probably nothing, just a-"

He was gone.

"Oh, that's so cliché!" Xiao fumed.

The SSBECF walked back inside, and continued with their business.

But Demon of the Black Fire kept staring at the collection of BOB-OMBS dropping onto the Smash Mansion, and ran outside, leaving the team to their own devices.

Caliban: Now at the Smash Mansion… 

I watering in the greenhouses…

"There. The Bomb Flowers are all nicely coming along. By tomorrow, Game and Watch, they should be ready to explode. And what's this? Bowser's lovely Piranha Plants are getting more and more vicious by the day. Isn't that right?" I asked.

The Piranhas all cheered and blushed in agreement.

Suddenly, Mr. Game and Watch snapped, breaking into a flurry of horrified beeps.

"What? What is it? I can't understand a single thing you're beeping!" I snapped.

He snapped my head up, and I'm pretty sure my eyes turned into dinner plates.

Bob-ombs, thousands of them, dropping down from the sky via a huge ship.

"Oh…it's Bob-omb Squad, just like in Super Mario DS! Great!" I snapped.

"Beep?" Mr. Game and Watch asked.

"No, no. That won't work. And it'll destroy the Smash Estates. We have to use sling shots and shoot down that ship, because other weapons don't have enough reach or power. We'd better alert the mansion, because they're all over the place!"

I ran to the nearest intercom.

"Listen up you bums! Bob-ombs are invading the Smash Estates, and unless you want to end up looking like a burnt French fry for the rest of your life, you'll haul your butts out there and start smashing!" I snapped.

There was instant, panicked rushing to the courtyard, but mostly underground.

"Guys, you do know that if even ONE hits the Bomb Flower greenhouse, it won't matter if you're underground or flying a plane?" I asked.

There was screaming, and then more panicked rushing to the courtyard. Even the Hands came out.

"Alright. Time to bring out the Smashing Sling Shots," Master Hand said.

"Come on! Chop-chop! The machine is SOOO slow!" Crazy Hand snapped.

Suddenly, the Stadium deck came out laden with huge sling shots, and cannonballs.

"These are Smashing Sling Shots. They're state-of-the-art, and so easy to use a Hoppip could handle them. Now GO! Save our hides!"

The Smashers were at a loss. It took a good twenty minutes for some to finally use them properly, and even then, they were too busy dodging the bombs.

Remember when someone back in Chapter 11 said the Smashers weren't so smart? I fully agree. Too many knocks to the head, I tell you…

It was literally down to me and my old archrival, who instantly picked up the sling method, who was battering the ship while I fended off the surrounding Bob-ombs.

Unfortunately, I hate to say those cannonballs were like spitballs on that iron hull. Sucks, don't it?

Still, what choice did we have?

"Back off my vicious gardenias you menaces to society!" I snapped, hurling three at the same time and kyboshing ten simultaneously.

"I want to LIVE! I never had to chance to properly experience life anyways, what with all the world-saving!" Link yelled, giving the ship a sizeable dent.

Suddenly, as though the ship grew angry at the dent, it dropped a flurry of Bob-ombs onto a greenhouse. THE greenhouse, I might add. The one with all my Bomb Flowers in it. Yeah. The world has officially been destroyed, and I never even got the chance to properly rule it. What's seven years of world domination if you DIE right afterwards anyways, I ask you? WHAT!

Peach grew terribly anxious, terrified at the possibility of the world ending before she was through being its pearl.

"Dr. Mario, how exactly is this happening? I mean, WE OWN the darn Bob-ombs, so what the heck are they doing here outside the Items Closet?" Peach asked.

"I'm not entirely sure. That ship might be the explanation. In fact, it might be the explanation for a great deal of-" he ducked momentarily to escape a stray Bob-omb "…a great deal of the strange things happening so far! Like that giant Yoshi that attacked us, the virus in the toaster, B6, and that closet that leads to nowhere…"

"That might be pushing it a little," Peach gasped suddenly, and dived away from another stray Bob-omb. Little did she know one was about to drift directly onto her, and that means certain doom, people. Kirby, the poor sap, noticed and nearly had a coronary, too far away to do anything to help.

I believe it's high time for…

"We're SSBECF, the mercenaries who are probably your only hope right now! Yes, I have to explain WHY I'm here or else you idiots will never leave us alone," Urby sighed, catching the Bob-omb and crushing it with a stomp, without somehow getting hurt.

"We'll get rid of the bombs Princess and Evil can't while our weapons expert Xiao teaches you how to use those weird sling shots!" RoyalFanatic cheered, slashing a Bob-omb to bits with her vicious nails.

Xiao waved over.

"How can you possibly know how to use these?" Mewtwo asked, annoyed.

"I broke into the records room. Like my pal RoyalFanatic said, I'm the team's weapons expert," Xiao said.

The Smashers sighed.

Meanwhile, the rest of the team was battling it out at the front lines.

Although the team had some pretty nice grappling hooks, it seemed like Blazing Fool was the only one who could REALLY detonate those things without getting hurt.

"NOW do you know why we didn't give you some other weapon?" Urby asked.

"He'd better. Those things are dropping down so fast I can't even use my machine gun," totallystrange snapped.

"That's it. I can't take this anymore. It's too SLOW!" Demon of the Black Fire snarled, grabbing Blazing Fool's flamethrower and pushing the dial MUCH farther than it should have gone.

"Wait, you fool! You set it onto some unknown, highly devastating feature! It doesn't even go that far, forget that anything past the red tape could destroy whoever's holding the darn thing. Don't argue with me, I read the instruction manual!" Blazing snapped.

"Shut up! I wanna blow off some STEAM!" she replied, and suddenly a huge river of flames flowed out of the flamethrower like-okay, there's not really much of a comparison to a flamethrower, except that time these chicks set hairspray on fire. It was so powerful that Demon of the Black Fire almost smacked into a wall, except that said SSBECF member happened to have Blazing Fool behind her, who had attempted to wrench the weapon out of her hands before things…got out of hand!

The other members could only stand back, while Urby yelled "Aim for the ship. AIM FOR THE SHIP!"

Suddenly, JUST as Blazing Fool was about to turn the tip up just a little…THE THING DIED!

"WHAT?" Blazing snapped "What the heck just happened?"

"I think the battery just died," Elfbrat said, tapping the handle curiously.

"WHAAAAAT? Elfbrat, this flamethrower doesn't HAVE a battery," Blazing Fool said "No worries, no worries, it probably just overheated…"

"Dude, that thing is dead," doubledude said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Blazing Fool yelled. Suddenly, he turned onto Demon of the Black Fire, with a slightly…er…not-so-sane look.

"You killed Flamer. You WILL pay!" Blazing Fool snapped.

"Bring it on! I've been waiting for a fight ALL DAY!" Demon of the Black Fire said.

"She just smacked into a wall. Doesn't she get tired…?" Yoshizilla asked Urby.

"Yoshizilla, she runs SSBECF. Don't count on it," Urby said.

The group sighed as the two got into martial arts poses.

And then, something out of a Bruce Lee movie happened.

"You killed my flamethrower!" Blazing Fool snapped.

"Don't worry, YOU'RE going along for the ride too!" Demon of the Black Fire snapped.

Elfbrat smacked her forehead.

"No, no, let them keep fighting," Urby said "They're fending off more Bob-ombs unconsciously than the whole mansion combined.

The group sat down.

"Something's bothering me though," Elfbrat began.

"It better not be the fact we're literally three steps away from total annihilation," totallystrange snapped, eyes closed from behind his sun glasses.

'No…it's just that, I had no idea Blazing's flamethrower could DO that. That was one major fire blast. If we were anywhere else when that happened, someone could have really gotten hurt," Elfbrat said.

"Don't worry about it," Urby said "There's a good reason why he's got such a high rank, Elf. He's got a high awareness of what he's doing. Almost the exact opposite of a CERTAIN BLAST-HAPPY MANIAC whose name shall not be revealed but he knows who he is."

"I am what I am," totallystrange replied.

"However, once in a while, he loses his cool. I'll have you know I'M the one who picked the teams on SSBECF, and the reason he's with you is because you know what to do when he doesn't. Now go reason with him! I want my second-in-command back!" Urby said.

"I thought you'd never ask!" Elfbrat cheered, and took out her trusty grappling hooks, yes, both of them. "Rapid LASH!"

She tossed the grappling hooks out, and somehow they both grabbed dead onto the fighting duo's legs, dragging them across the grassy field.

"That's enough you two. Demon of the Black Fire, you need quiet time right now to figure out how to Boss out here. She's safer with us than whatever she's always doing in her office. And Blazing, I need you to grab a certain someone for me. You know who I'm talking about," Elfbrat said.

"You're crazy. Xiao is bad enough went she wants something destroyed," Blazing Fool replied.

"Just WHO are they talking about?" RoyalFanatic asked Urby, who didn't answer.

"Just do it," Elfbrat said. Blazing Fool left.

Suddenly, Elfbrat grabbed a grey cylinder out of Royal Fanatic's pocket, and tossed it into the air, with a resounding KA-BOOM.

"That should keep us safe for a little while," Elfbrat said, wiping sweat from her brow.

"Hey! That was MY ultra bomb! It took me months to get the explosives right," RoyalFanatic snapped.

"You were making EXPLOSIVES and you didn't ask Xiao for help! You could have killed us!" Urby snapped.

"Uh, guys, we have bigger problems right now…" Yoshizilla said, while kicking Bob-ombs so they could NOT fall and explode…and kill people.

"Oh. Right!" totallystrange said, rushing to his aid.

Meanwhile, the Smashers, thusly ignored so far, were pretty much less talk, more slinging cannonballs until…

Roy dropped, and he wasn't moving, like he had a coronary or something.

"Whoa…Roy, are you alright?" Zelda asked, waving a hand over his face.

He twitched, and pointed one shaking finger up. Zelda turned her head and her hair stood STRAIGHT up.

"HOLY SMOKES! I'm too YOUNG to DIE!" she choked out in a very unladylike way.

Above was a giant MASS of Bob-omb, like a huge net had gathered a whole bunch and just felt like dropping it. It was dropping so fast that Zelda paled and fainted right along with Roy.

It seems like they're being terribly dramatic, but none of the Bob-ombs so far had dropped THAT fast, and that much, and right above what they were desperately trying to protect.

Link and I were at a loss.

We just gave up.

"Well, old enemy, looks like this is the end. I'm sorry that I never got a chance to properly assassinate you even though we live in the same place," I said.

"Don't worry about it. Who cares if the struggle of evil and good is halted for the sake of fighting senselessly? I'm just sorry I never got a real voice," he replied.

We shook hands.

The SSBECF ducked as low to the ground as possible, as though an imminent, deadly explosion was very common to them.

The Smashers all cried, and held whoever was closest to them. Mario and Luigi hugged and cried, Pichu leapt into Peach's arms, Fox and Falco began humorously sobbing, Young Link and Zelda were thoughtful for a moment as they sat together, and DK and Bowser finally found some common ground and shook hands. Kirby, Jigglypuff, and Ness had a group hug, Samus and Dr. Mario shook hands, being that they actually understood each other, and poor Samus had her hand crushed by Captain Falcon. Marth, of course, fainted from shock but if either best friend were currently conscious they would have hugged. The remaining lone wolves were simply reflecting on their lives, Mr. Game and Watch on the monkey that lurked around his home, and Mewtwo on the fact he played second fiddle to a cat mutation.

All seemed to be lost as the Bob-omb Barrage drifted slowly onto the Bomb Flower greenhouse. The net brushed the glassy surface when a yell broke through the fear.

"Roulette option: FIRE! WOO-HOO! Go fire…it's your birthday…uh-huh…"

A huge explosion occurred, one that surely deafened everyone in the Estates.

"Hey…wasn't this explosion supposed to be a 'Kill Us All' one? What happened?" Young Link asked.

"Miraculously, the flame must have been strong enough to disintegrate everything it it's path," Dr. Mario said.

"Great. How come the greenhouse is FINE?" Young Link snapped.

"Oh, right. Well, in case of spontaneous explosion, I had a special shielding device on it that protects it…from…any….explosion…" my voice dropping down to a mumble as I realized.

"You mean we went through that crap for NOTHING? You've got to be kidding me!" Elfbrat snapped.

"You think YOU'RE angry. I had my weapon destroyed," Blazing Fool sighed. "No worries though. I've always got…a…spare…stashed…away…in…my…bedroom." His voice sank as well as realization dawned.

"Great. A wasted day, our complex still has a hole through the wall, the kitchen is GONE, and we fought FOR NOTHING," Demon of the Black Fire snapped.

"Oh, come on. It wasn't SO bad," Urby said, smiling cheekily as she produced a shopping bag of stolen stuff.

RoyalFanatic produced her wallet, now a little fatter than it used to be, totallystrange grinned as he showed off a million stolen Ray Guns, doubledude winked as he held the TV remote behind his back, and Xiao and Yoshizilla could barely move because of all the stuff they had hidden away on their persons.

"You two must be the only ones WHO didn't steal anything. Whoops, here come the attack dogs!" Urby cheered goofily, totallystrange throwing down smoke bombs and the whole group escaping with black mage jr. along.

I suppose recruitment is rather done than said when it comes to the kleptomaniac people of the SSBECF, and it took the whole day for us Smashers to realize we'd been robbed so badly the fridge was empty.

"Oh…when I get my hands on those kleptomaniac SSBECF people, I'll-" Mario punched his palm in aggravation.

"Don't worry. They won't get past the gate," I smirked, and it only widened as I heard electrocution.

"I won't even ask. I do wonder why those Bob-ombs came though," Link said.

"Don't worry. We just need to bolt the Items Closet tonight. The captive ones must have escaped. That's probably how they alerted their other pals. Besides, no REAL damage done that the system won't take care of," Dr. Mario said.

I never worried about the Bob-omb Squad again. At least until I realized the spare Fire Emblem seeds were missing…

_Author's Notes: What fun to write! Yes, it was fun, and just the sort of thing I'd write. In the original Bob-omb Squad mini game in Super Mario DS, Bob-ombs drift down from an enormous ship via parachute and as the dedicated Toad gardeners, you must knock them down with your slingshot. If all four flowers in your garden go down, you lose. Also, you hit a Lakitu to blow them all up. It's a really fun game, but beating my little brother's high score is hard! He hit 668 Bob-ombs down! _

**Reviews: I GOT SO MANY OMG! **

**Now, how will I respond to them all? Yes, black mage jr. is now part of the SSBECF for saving everyone's lives, although considering how darn strong he is…he'll only pop-up for the REALLY ROUGH stuff. His gun is indeed based on the four elements in Final Fantasy. I tried my best to make him funny like everyone else! Don't mess with the gun…**

**Fayt: You're currently at the office trying to stop the Bob-ombs from killing the Boss. Yeah, someone had to save her lazy butt. Thanks for the review. **

**Demon of the Black Fire: You yelled at them all right. You huffed and you puffed and you blew them away. The only way they got you to stop was when Blazing Fool gave you his ice cream. **

**Doubledude: Back and better than ever! Yes, you didn't fight much but you've always got your witty two cents. **

**Xiao: Good old reviewer…Yep. Thanks a lot, the number is just one away from 175!**

**Urby: You currently have ninety-four bottles of Tales brand nail polish. You only need six more to complete the collection! YAAAY! Have a KUCHINAWA TEAL. Another addition to the old collection. **

**As for your birthday present…it's long. And I personally believe it to be one of my funnier works. Yes, I actually consider this one funny. ME! **

**Psychogunner: You're a well-trusted forum-person. Yep. I've seen you at a lot of SSB forums. HII!**

**Black mage jr. :I'm saving the details for when I introduce you in the actual complex and you hafta tell Demon of the Black Fire your abilities. Don't worry, I have it under control. **

**Elfbrat: OOH! Fahrenheit! Teach me, teach me! In my country we use Celsius! What is thirty-two degrees? Below freezing point? In Celsius thirty-two degrees is hot, cause freezing point in Celsius is zero, and melting is a hundred! I like teaching…**

**Totallystrange: LMAOOO! I can't really relate, 'cause in my house you're required to make things big so everyone gets some. I love ice cream as well, and I made the chapter so people in North America can forget its FREEZING COLD outside! **

**AshRB: I want your bazooka…I completely forgot to give myself a weapon! Ha-ha! How's that for irony. Then again, I don't wanna self-insert myself so…**

**Blazing Fool: Don't get too mad at me! Flamer lives again! You bought a spare with the twenty bucks everyone gave you. Isn't that great? **

**Osilus: Did you want to join the team at some point? I always feel like I'm forgetting someone somewhere in these chapters…**

**Well, bye now! Caliban the Wizard, signing out! **


	18. Fox Scares Falco One

Caliban: I'm going to try again, and this time I'm going to finish this if it kills me. I'm way too annoyed to rewrite the original chapter…so I'm going to write a new one! I finally have a good Fox one!

It took FIVE tries to upload this, so enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I still don't own SSBM. Nope. **

_**Fox Scares Falco I: I Don't Care Who Started It! **_

Hello. I heard other Smashers have started this journal entry sort of thing. It's apparently very popular, and although the idea of complaining to the world doesn't appeal, this complaint is worth it!

My roommate. He's the most irritating person in the universe, and I can say that because I've been all over the universe for my old job.

When we were working together he was just your average grumpy adventurer, and there's nothing wrong with that. But ever since we entered this tournament, he stopped being formal. For most, loosening up is a good thing. With him, it's not.

In his spare time, Falco Lombardi likes to prank people. That's the most annoying thing about him, because I'm usually his little guinea pig, and with some big comedy convention about to roll into to town, his pranks have gone from annoying people to trying to scare the tar out of people!

Just this week he's stuffed my mattress with nails, set a really poisonous snake into my pillowcase, turned my slippers into red-hot toaster grills, dunked my bed sheets in pranking slime, and messed with my alarm clock so I thought the world had somehow ended. And that's just my bedroom.

He annoys you anywhere, really. He replaces the text of your favorite book with some nasty romance novel and he can really stitch up that binding so you can never tell. I spent an hour yesterday looking through the romance section in the library for the text of my book.

While I was taking a much-needed shower he screwed with the plumbing so that it went between icy water and scalding water in perfect three-minute intervals. I'm not sure how he did it, and it's driving me crazy. Maybe he just kept flushing a toilet somewhere, I don't know. But I looked like a push broom for hours.

That's not the worst of it either.

When I was starving at lunch he filled my chicken sandwich with jalapeno sauce. And when I reached for the orange juice it was filled with motor oil and milk. Have you ever tasted motor oil? It sucks the life right out of you. Not even Roy could probably stomach it.

You can mess with my bedspread. You can mess with my books. You can mess with my showers, but you don't mess with my food. EVER.

"I can't TAKE Falco anymore!" I complained to Sheik in the library "He's too annoying for society."

Sheik didn't look up from her newspaper, but simply picked up her mug of coffee.

"This week he's messed with my bed, my books, my shower, my FOOD, everything! Why does it not bother you I'm being outsmarted by an idiot?" I snapped.

"Oh boo hoo. He took my mask away. Now I can't deliver sardonic comments from the comfort and safety of a mask. I have to deliver semi-sarcastic observations from behind a newspaper. Newspapers suck," Sheik replied, still drinking her coffee.

"So! You don't have to deal with him ALL the time! He's my roommate, and I'm his stupid guinea pig. All because of that stupid convention!" I sighed, yanking my hair.

"In a week or two, you won't remember him being this annoying, so until then don't do anything drastic. I'm serious. If I find out from the news Birdbrain is missing you'll join him," Sheik snapped.

"Whoa. I know you're grumpy without the mask but…ouch," I replied.

"I don't trust you to be smart when you're mad. That's why. Now go away. I want to read my horoscope in peace," she replied, and set her mug of coffee down.

It was times like these I had a painful urge to see what was behind that newspaper. Then again, who really cares? I knew her gender, and when you think about it, that's all you really need.

But I was pretty mad about Falco. She knew how annoying he could be. Why wasn't she going to let me kill him?

I left the library, grumbling about my sad situation.

I saw Mario in a similar stance, grumbling about his sad situation, whatever it was.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked.

"Oh, the usual. Someone in the house screwed up the plumbing. They made it so one of the showers in the house sprayed opposing temperatures in perfect three-minute intervals. Really annoying," Mario snapped.

"What are you complaining about? I was on the receiving end of that one. If you must know it was Falco's idea. He's gone prank-crazy ever since he heard about the comedy convention coming to town. He's not even that funny but he thinks he is, and now he's experimenting his painful pranks on me!" I replied.

"If you ask me, he needs a taste of his own medicine. If you want I can help you pay him back for the painful shower," Mario said, twirling his wrench.

"I'll hold you to that," I said, and with a grin, I ran off to my room to plot.

Sheik said I wasn't allowed to hurt him, but she didn't say I wasn't allowed to prank him.

Pranks could be painful, and yet you could get away with them. So I'd have to think up a prank non-painful enough so Falco didn't die, but painful enough. The man had pain coming since the day he was born. It was time to met justice!

My first ever prank was a simple prank. Frame him for breaking the remote. Smashers are people who love their remote. If I make it look like Falco broke it, the living room would do the killing. Hey, give me a break. I'd never pranked anyone before.

Falco moseyed into the living room, with not much purpose except to mooch the snack bowl while watching sumo with the others.

For some reason or another, the remote was left unattended, surprising since the Smashers are such control freaks.

The instant Falco picked it up, he was electrocuted and the remote burst right in his hand, covering him with bolts and wires.

Roy was the first to notice.

"Hey guys! Falco broke the remote!" Roy yelled. All eyes instantly fixed onto the broken remote.

"Uh…no I didn't! Ness did. Him and his dangerous baseball bat…See, this is what happens when you fiddle too much!" Falco snapped, throwing all evidence onto Ness.

"Ness really broke it," Roy said quietly, and then began cheering "YES! Now they HAVE to buy that awesome new remote with the little hand cushion! Excellent work Ness. And you made it look like an accident too! Let's buy him lunch, guys! Maybe that place that sells the noodles with the crab!"

The whole living room burst into cheer, picking up Ness and showering him with affection, with Falco yelling that HE really broke the remote, but no one listening.

I, of course, was watching everything from the hall and I couldn't believe it.

Well, Falco passing the blame, I could believe.

Time to try and have him hurt some other way.

Well, I could just do multiple evil tasks, plant his identity there, and have THOSE people kill him.

Definitely beneath me, but sacrifices must be made to get Falco.

I ran over to Ganondorf's garden and killed his Piranha plants. Chopped their heads RIGHT off, and then I left little scraps of Falco's clothing at the scene of the crime.

Then I ran to Dr. Mario's clinic. I threw open his cabinets and found bottles and bottles of colorful pills. Spilling them all, I mixed in a few of Falco's feathers into the mess.

I saw Captain Falcon's room wide open and defaced every poster inside, and 'accidentally' tipped over his F-Zero trophy collection. I left a spray-painting of Falco's face on a wall.

The most evil deed was yet to come.

I went to Peach and Zelda's rooms, blindfolded, and set their underwear cabinets on fire. Then I left a note in Falco's bad handwriting, saying that was for the terrible cheesecake you made.

Then for good measure I wrecked the Mario Bros. Room and just…I don't know, I figured mob psychology would lead them to think it was Falco.

It was a wreck like no other. If Falco was aware that I'd destroyed so much and put the blame on someone else as a 'prank', he would have been proud.

Then quickly I ran to my room and got rid of any and all evidence that clung to me, and there was ENOUGH. Muddy shoes, pills, red face paint, that smell that you just burned something, destruction…

Pretty soon, I heard an angry mob amass outside, around Falco. They didn't tear him to shred, however. I was disappointed. Negotiations? He just destroyed something important that belonged to you!

Suddenly, that angry mob walked inside…upstairs…towards me! Oh crud! Who could have seen me? I was foolproof!

"Fox, open the heck up! We'd like a word!" Dr. Mario snarled. I opened the door, and played innocent.

"What ever is the matter? I'm in here enjoying a grilled cheese sandwich and you bang on my door?" I asked. Wow. I didn't know I could be so smooth.

"Finish your sandwich and keep your crazy roommate under control! Keep him on a leash from now on, and for his safety, keep him away from anyone else! I managed to convince the crowd that Falco's just an idiot but from now on it's your job to make sure he doesn't prank ONE MORE PERSON for a week or they will kill him!" Link said.

Great. Now not only do I have to keep him in contact at all times, I don't get to kill him and they didn't! What does someone have to do to get a death wish around here? There's no doubt that if THEY kill him I'll go with.

I grabbed Falco's leash and dragged him into the room, sighing.

How will I ever get rid of him? I tried sending angry mobs twice and they didn't work.

Falco opened the closet for clothes, ignoring the frightening bloody zombie nailed to the other side of the door.

Scary pranks don't work on him either. NOTHING WORKS! I'll just have to ignore Sheik and kill him.

But then I'll go down with him.

I guess I'll just have to get him killed like the other two times.

But how? I need something foolproof!

I waited until Falco decided he wanted his leash tied to a tree outside when I opened the phone book.

By chance it opened on an S page, but there was something on it that didn't start with an S.

Curiosity piqued, I read the ad.

"Flirt Squad. We fight as well as we flirt. Trio of exceptionally good-looking mercenaries looking for manager, mascot, and new clients. For more information call our toll-free number," said the ad.

Wow, that was weird. But they were mercenaries. Maybe they could fix the Falco problem.

I dialed the number instantly.

"Welcome, honored client, to Flirt Squad Hotline. We fight as well as we flirt. How may we help you in your evil endeavors?" asked the receptionist.

"Yeah, I need to have someone taken care of for a little bit. He drives me crazy so I was hoping you could pretend to take him on a date or something so he can get off my back," I said.

"Oh, we get clients like you all the time! So let me guess…he's super-annoying and likes those stupid pranks?" the receptionist asked.

"You hit the nail on the head. So how much does it cost?" I asked.

"For you, it's free! You're our first client. Business has been real slow since the head of the squad had the place moved from the big city to this cozy little place. She said she needed some time to clear her head. Anyways, we'll take your friend to a nice restaurant! Then maybe the amusement park and then you won't have to worry about him anymore! Just make sure you recommend us to all your friends. The squad will be ready in about an hour. They'll meet your friend at the front of the gate," said the receptionist.

"Alright! Thanks a lot," I said, hanging up.

Finally, Falco would be in someone else's hair for a little while.

What a relief!

Meanwhile…

Blazing Fool was walking alone through the crowded late afternoon street. The day was waning fast; things were turning from golden to deep orange fast. Surprisingly, his mercenary garb was nowhere to be found, nor were his weapons. Only shopping bags, lots and lots of shopping bags…

"Ah…I love it that it's my day off. Nothing beats Japanese stores. Elfbrat's gonna love this giant panda in her office," Blazing Fool said.

Suddenly, he saw a trio of girls crowded around the gates of the mansion…and walked right past them.

A palm pressed into his shoulder.

"What's the rush, handsome? Why don't you stop and smell the roses with us? We've got lots of time…" a girl asked. She was tall, tan, with wavy blond hair that was expertly combed.

"And I don't. I'm not about to make time for someone like you. Now if you excuse me, I have a date with the markets," Blazing Fool said.

The other two girls approached him. They weren't as tall as the first girl, or as tan, but they were both blonde and similar in terms of appearance.

"Aw…too busy for us! Oh, you're breaking my heart!" the second girl said, twirling a strand of her oddly streaked hair.

"Yeah, handsome! You slay us!" the third girl cried, her bracelets twinkling in the dusk.

"Just stay a little while! We'll have lots of fun!" the second girl said.

"We can get to know each other, handsome!" the third girl said, hopping up and down excitedly.

"Stop calling me handsome. I don't want anything to do with you freaks. Now get away before I burn you to cinders," Blazing Fool snapped.

The first girl's eyes widened as she saw REAL FIRE shoot out of the barrel of a concealed flamethrower.

She pulled back.

"Forget it, guys. He's got a girlfriend. We'll see you around, handsome," the first girl said, and went back to the gates with her friends.

Back at the Mansion…

Falco was talking to Sheik in the library.

"I've got a date!" he cheered, and was fixing his ascot, and his shirt…

"Really," Sheik said with little to no interest.

"Yep! They're taking me to a restaurant and then maybe an amusement park," Falco said.

"There's more than one?" Sheik asked.

"Yep. I got three love letters," he replied, fixing his pants.

"Falco, do you know what kind of girls they could be?" Sheik asked.

"It's not important. If they dump after this date then at least this will be a date to remember. They said there wouldn't be any worries after this in their love letter, or that someone's problems would finish when I'm gone," Falco said.

"That's really freaky. I'm worried. You shouldn't go if you want there to be a funeral," Sheik said.

"RELAX. It's just some ramen. They won't get anywhere near me. Anyways, I'll be late. Bye," Falco said, and left the library.

Sheik shrugged, and went back to her newspaper.

As for me, I was busy spying on the date to make sure that if a hitch happened, I'd be in there to smooth it out.

They took Falco to Bangkok Noodles, the place with the famous crab noodle bowl, while they listened to Falco's cheesy jokes and told some of their own.

"The food here's great!" Falco said.

"It sure is. Would you like to know our names?" one girl asked.

"Sure. I almost forgot since we were having so much fun!" Falco said.

"I'm Diane," said that girl.

"I'm Elaine," said another.

"I'm Blaire," said the third.

"We all like crab ramen, you, Latino music and amusement parks. Want to go after the ramen?" Diane asked.

"Uh, sure," Falco said, finishing off another bowl of ramen.

"Alright then. We can go on the Ferris wheel first. It has a history of mysteriously breaking down. I hope we don't get stuck at the very top, where no one will see what happens when you're alone too long," Blaire said.

Falco shrugged.

"Sounds good," he said.

"Why don't you have another bowl, Falco? A man needs his ramen," Elaine said. She ordered another bowl of crab ramen, and spooned some brown powder in.

"What's that?" Falco asked.

"Just some five spice. It'll make your ramen a hundred times better, I guarantee it!" Elaine said.

Falco shrugged and slurped it down.

At that moment, I felt a strange pang of guilt. Falco had no idea what was going on. He didn't even know the date was supposed to be romantic, for heaven's sake.

Falco's head hit the table after just one noodle.

I opened my cell phone.

In the restaurant, a Latino ring tone blared.

Diane opened it.

"What's going on down there? His head hit the table!" I hissed into my Moto.

"Relax. It's just gonna calm him down a little so he won't scream before we kill him," Diane said, giggling a little.

I gasped.

"You're really serious about killing him! I think there's been a HUGE misunderstanding," I said.

"No, there hasn't. He's GONE. He was gone the moment you forked him over to us. There will not be a funeral, comprende? He belongs to us now. It's what you wanted, isn't it? To get the freak out of your hair a little. Now no one will ever worry again," Diane said.

"But I don't want him dead! I just wanted him to have a really, really exciting experience, so he'll be tired for the next few days and not annoy anyone until AFTER everyone forgets about today's fiasco! I just wanted to PRANK him! Do you understand? PRANK HIM!" I yelled.

Diane simply hung up and stepped on the cell, making sure to sweep it away with her heel afterwards.

Falco was shaken awake.

"Falco, sweetheart, it's time to go to the amusement park! We'll have lots of fun," Diane said. She nodded to her friends, who picked him up.

They left the restaurant

All I could do was watch in horror.

There was NO WAY I could tell Sheik about this to her face. She'd gut me. But Falco needed help! I had to get a messenger…

By some really odd coincidence, I saw a Pokemon reporter walk out of Bangkok Noodles. What was his name…Chad the Charmander. He did the sports when Lola Likitung couldn't.

"Man…I ate too much crab…" Chad said.

I cornered him.

"Now listen here Chad. You're about to play messenger. I'm in too much of a rush to be polite, so here's money. Go over to the scary ninja lady behind the newspaper in the library at Smash Mansion and tell her that someone named Birdbrain has been deemed missing on the news, and that a trio of crazy girls will rip him to shreds on a broken Ferris wheel. Got all that?" I asked.

Chad pocketed the bills and said Aye.

"Good. Now run your butt off. Work off the ramen. Just get there before I have to go personally, and if I have to go personally and I'm killed I'm taking you with me," I said.

Terrified, he ran so fast down the street that he tore through the paving.

The message was on its way. All I could do was try and slow down a triad of paid mercenaries before they killed my best friend!

They'd already made it to the gates of Smashing Fun Fair.

I grabbed a sledgehammer a worker was using to demolish a sidewalk nearby and hit Diane in the back of the head.

"She's still standing! How?" I asked myself.

"I'm blonde. My skull can withstand a missile barrage," Diane answered "Now, you're a really cute fox so I might let you go if you give me the sledgehammer. I left my less lethal weapons at home and I've got nothing to kill the bird with."

"Not a chance!" I snapped, and hit her again. She finally fell back, but her two accomplices were pissed.

"Forget me. Just take the idiot to the Ferris wheel and finish him off! I'll take care of the fox!" Diane said. She looked ahead and saw I was gone.

The other two look at their arms and found them surprisingly empty.

"I can't believe we were jacked like that!" Blaire snapped.

"I know! I'm going to kill that fox and use his fur to warm up on frosty nights!" Elaine snarled viciously.

I ran into the brush and they followed me right through it. I jumped over the teacup ride and they followed suit.

I burst through a tree and they just wouldn't stop.

"What are they, machines?" I asked.

"You can't stop us with that lame route! We train everyday! We're tough!" Blaire yelled.

"Yeah! We've got special weapons and everything!" Elaine added.

"We eat those SSBECF wannabes for breakfast!" Diane snapped, "We can sure handle you."

"Back up. You're not part of that crazy gang? That's impossible! They're the only team of crazy mercenaries in this town, and they're the only ones who cause trouble like you do!" I snapped.

They stopped running, and looked amongst each other.

"I think it's time we told you who we REALLY are!" Elaine said. "In case you haven't guess, our names aren't really Diane, Elaine, and Blaire!"

They smirked amongst each other.

"Rosanza!" said the girl who wasn't Diane.

"Leone!" said the girl who wasn't Elaine.

"Teselle!" said the girl who wasn't Blaire.

"And we are…THE FLIRT SQUAD!"

The trio revealed their REAL costumes, and I almost died laughing. Dark pink trench coat, black clothing underneath, bright white boots, and dark cerise hair accessories in blonde hair. The girls were more like Barbies that mercenaries.

"We are mercenaries-for-hire, and we're darn good looking too. We're not part of your stupid SSBECF. In fact, Caliban owes me money! And we actually change our costumes! This is costume design four!" Rosanza said.

"We were a huge hit in the big cities we've been to. But then we wanted to meet our fashion idol, Princess Peach!" Teselle said.

"So we moved here and left our manager, our mascot, everything! We left it all behind! Now we're finding more clients, more employees, and most importantly, more people to join the squad!" Leone said.

"Now cower in the fear of our superior weapons!" Rosanza said, and whipped Falco right out of my hands.

Teselle threw a noxious smoke bomb, and POOF! They were gone.

"Today is the most humiliating day ever. It really, really is," I said.

They were taking him up to the Ferris wheel. Man, when they want a job done, they want it done.

I saw a kid about to use a grappling hook on the rock-climbing wall and yanked it out of his hands.

"Sorry, must save friend!" I said, and ran to the Ferris wheel.

At some point, everyone has used a grappling hook. I used one while I was out rock-climbing with the team back in the days of Star Fox adventurers-for-hire. Lucky thing to, or I would have never made it to the top of the Ferris wheel when Teselle threw a dart at the controls.

They were gathered around the tied-up Falco with evil looks in their eyes. Wow. They tied him up pretty fast. If it wasn't for the fact they were about to kill Falco, I'd have been impressed.

"Get away from him-" I growled when Teselle decked me. Hard.

They should have entered the tourney because that REALLY HURT! It was like she smashed my face in or something.

Then she pushed me out of the car headfirst.

"Told you we're tough!" she called out after.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I screamed. Too young to die, too young to die, too young to die…

I managed to survive, of course, because somewhere in that scream I remembered I'd been in situations like these many times.

However, upon reaching the ground safely, something inside me died, because right THERE as soon as I got up was Sheik, and she didn't look happy. She had a glare on that said: 'You're dead. Don't even bother to arrange a funeral because there won't be time.'

"What? I tried," I said.

She didn't stop glaring. Eventually, she stopped paralyzing me with fear and punched me in the back of the head a hundred times harder than Teselle ever could.

"Come on idiot. We've got a bird to save, but just know if he turns into grilled chicken anyways I'll let Leone go right ahead and use your fur to warm up on frosty nights," she said.

"But they're too STRONG! Their weakest nearly smashed my head in with a single punch," I said, while she dragged me by the shirt collar.

"Look at it this way. If they don't kill you, I will," Sheik said.

"For real?" I asked. Her answer was a needle stabbing my neck...so painful…

"I believe you," I replied.

She jumped up to the top car, startling several trapped patrons in the process.

"How do you DO that?" I asked.

"Please, don't turn into the annoying hostage. Just go in there. We can't defeat them with speed alone. We need to be a little smarter," Sheik said.

"Negotiate…I get it!" I said.

She broke a car window and jumped in.

"Rosanza, you can let go. The client has withdrawn," Sheik said.

"Aw…Sheik, we can't! This is our first job in this city! We can't blow it. You can understand. It's been so hard without a manager since ours was taken by those rotten jerks. The bird dies now. Then everyone will see what great mercenaries we are," Rosanza said.

"I understand, but you're scaring the crap out of everyone by doing this. Your clients, they're right here, at this amusement park. You let him go and people will see that not only are you competent and obedient, but you're compassionate too, and that's the most important. I promise you that if you let Falco go, you'll get some business. I'll see to it personally," Sheik said.

Rosanza seemed torn for a moment.

"Just get me an interview with Princess Peach. That's the only reason we really came here. Our manager…if she wants to stay with the other mercenaries, then we've got no business stopping her. She can take care of herself. I won't say I stopped hating the SSBECF, but I will say that I don't have to stay here anymore," Rosanza said.

The team agreed.

"You're really going to be alright?" Sheik asked.

"Sure. We found a mascot. All we need is a manager. And we can find one just fine later," Rosanza replied.

She opened a window, and threw Falco out.

"Fly bird!"

I left to go catch Falco.

"So looks like it's time I left. Who's you're mascot?" Sheik asked.

"Really cute guy we saw walking past the mansion! Had a flamethrower, didn't like us much, but I sure like him! He is SUCH a goner!" Rosanza said cheerfully.

Sheik knew exactly the guy Rosanza was talking about, but didn't react.

"Bye now," she said, and left.

We walked out of the amusement park, with Falco slung over my shoulder.

"Sheik, how did you know them?" I asked.

"We do girls' night out sometimes. Everyone's invited. It's lots of fun," Sheik said.

"Wow. Didn't know you were so social," I said.

"There's lots behind the mask you don't know. And speaking of which, I finally got it, which is why I went outside at all. That Charmander wanted me out fast, enough to give me a mask of his own. Makes me think he was threatened," Sheik said.

"Probably. The Flirt Squad…jeez, you'd think I'd have heard about them at some point," I said.

"Their manager was kidnapped a while ago, and hasn't been seen since. They've been laying low, trying to find her. They don't really bug much people like the SSBECF do. I feel bad for Blazing Fool though. He somehow attracted their attention, and we won't be seeing him again," Sheik said.

"Huh?" I asked, not really paying attention.

"Nothing. Let's just get Falco home. That sedative will make him easy to scare," Sheik said.

At the Mansion…

Falco finally came to, but like Sheik said, was freaked out.

"What if those crazy girls come attack me? They could be anywhere…" Falco said, ducking behind plants.

"Falco, relax. Just change into your PJ's and go to sleep," I said, reading my book.

"Good idea," Falco said, finally calming down.

He opened the closet, and saw the bloody zombie nailed to the door.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! THE HORROR!"

Falco's body hit the carpet.

"Wow. He fainted," I mused. "I guess I should have taken that down."

I never scared Falco again. But you can bet he was plotting his revenge, which would prompt me to scare him again…

_Author's Notes: Fun chapter to write! I had a Doc chapter in the works, but it was deleted. I'm so mad about that! So I wrote this. In a day. I'm proud of myself…HAHA! It's so long. I wasn't expecting this. Ah well. _

**Reviews: So many! **

**Xiao Dark-cloud: I've got a little something planned, actually. That super-long thing for Urby, I'll release it when I get two hundred reviews here! And…that's probably very soon so I better start writing. I'm so close…**

**Fayt: LMAO! Thanks! I love it when someone says I have an imagination! I'm afraid I'll lose it…**

**Black Mage jr.: Thank you for the compliment! It brought sunshine to my day. Don't worry. Your gun was modified so that you aren't so dang strong no more, because in that case…it wasn't working so well…**

**Doubledude: Yup. Everyone wins. I always like to do that, because in the real world, everyone doesn't always win, so it makes me happy to write that. **

**RoyalFanatic: Your list helped. A LOT! Trust me. I was lost as to what to do next. I must have rewritten several character chapters before your review came to me. So thank you. I was hoping to do Doc first but…didn't work out. And YES, there will be a Sheik chapter. Come on. Sheik's a character that fixes everything, why wouldn't I give her a chapter? **

**Punkrocker64: No biggie. I never review! Dang, did I actually write that…? Ignore that! **

**AshRB: YES! You named your weapon. It is SO a character now! It now gets its own chapter. Come on Bob. Let's go save the day. **

**Blazing Fool: Man…I died reading that, just from laughing. I wonder if it's actually possible to die from laughter…hmm…**

**Now, the Don is pleased with your review and says that you are suddenly a favorite to write about. The Don does not understand why you have suddenly become more popular, only that you are! And Urby wants her Loni Grey back. She says her collection is crying right now because of the lack of its most sophisticated color. **

**Elfbrat: While I died from all the ice cream you gave me, it was very delicious and made this chapter possible. And we're still wondering where the Fire Emblem seeds went. Did YOU take them? Tsk, I'm very disappointed in you! **

**Wow. I didn't know you were so blunt. The batteries just died, good tell him like it is! **

**The Don now believes Elfbrat has become more popular! Her bluntness amused me! LOL. **

**Yoshizilla: Dr. Hoshi was in the chapter that got deleted. It's really Chad the Charmander that has the spotlight here. He's my reporter in Urby's birthday present, and he's in this chapter. As for Peppy, I'm saving her for the mayhem in the last chapter, the Master Hand one. Wow, this story is getting long. **

**So many chapters! **

**Urby: Hey…rereads chapter…you're RIGHT! What's going on here? **

**If you want Loni Grey, check out my vault. I never wear nail polish, but I bought enough to last a lifetime. Or, just bug Blazing Fool, but he's not sharing! **

**As for details on your present, I finally caved. Check my profile for a very brief description. **

**Demon of the Black Fire: I might make a sequel, or just one really long one shot of everything happening in one day, converging into a strange series of events that effects everyone. And once I've done a chapter for all the Smashers, their alter egos and etc., there will be a Master Hand chapter and then a bonus SSBECF one because I love you so much.**

**Okay, Caliban the Wiz, signing out. Bye. Ouch, my head. Never write a whole chapter in one sitting. **


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